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Things a Man Should Know

8 Nov

things a man should know

Being a man is a special honor. You will earn more than women during your adult life, because you get better pay for doing the same job that a woman does, you are considered to get better as you get older like a fine wine, and if you study hard and keep a clean record, or have a father that was a former president, then you can become President of the United States. It sounds like a pretty good deal, right? It is pretty nice being a man, however there are a few things that every man should know how to do by the time they reach the age of 25 if they want a relatively easy life.

al bundy03

1. How to throw a football/baseball - Put your fingers on the seams (with a baseball only your thumb, pointing finger, and middle finger should touch the ball), bring the ball up, slightly behind your ear, and move it quickly toward your intended target. Release the ball when your arm is fully extended. There are many occasions when someone will ask you to throw something to them or come play an impromptu game. As a guy, your manhood will be judged if your throw does not reach its destination.

2. How to tie a tie - There is no good reason for a grown man to have to ask his girlfriend, parents, or even worse, another man to tie his necktie for him. There are numerous ways to tie extravagant knots in your tie, but you should learn to tie a Half-Windsor knot at the least.

3. How to change a tire - Men that call AAA to change a tire for them should be offered to a firing squad. Socially, most men are raised to be prepared for life’s little nuances like an unexpected flat tire. In most cars, there is a standard produced tire iron that matches the bolts that hold the tire in place. Use it. There is also a doughnut tire that comes standard in most cars. Replace the flat tire with that and tighten the smaller replacement onto the car. This is not rocket science.

4. Have and know how to use jumper cables - On more than one occasion now, an adult male has asked if he could get a boost from my car. Once I agreed and handed him the cables, he admitted to not knowing how to adhere the cables to the car properly. This is unacceptable for a fully grown man. Men should always have a pair of jumper cables in their car. And the cables are usually color-coded with symbols. You hook the positive cable which is indicated by a plus sign to the positive terminal (plug) on the battery, and the negative cable to the negative terminal. Make sure that the two cables are not touching anything that conducts electricity (which includes you) and you are safe.

5. How to shot pool - This skill will probably never help you directly unless you need a little cash in college, but men should know how to play a game of 8- or 9-ball. Seriously, you do not have to be Minnesota Fats, the pool shark, but learn the basics.

6. How to read a map - The only positive thing that I received from 12 + years of history and social studies is how to read a map. If you want to drive across this great nation or go backpacking in Europe, then you need to know how to read a map. GPS does not work in every part of the world, and at times it seems just as confused as you are.

7. Have a toolbox and know how to use the tools - Every man needs to know how to tighten or loosen a bolt. Every man should know the difference between a flat head screwdriver and a Phillip’s head screwdriver (hint: the flat head screwdriver has a flat head). Every man should know how to use a power drill and a hand saw. There are no exceptions to these rules.

8. Have at least one girl-friendly anecdote - A man’s general sense of fun is different than a woman’s idea of it. Men like strip clubs women prefer antiquing. So, concurrently, a woman’s sense of humor differs from a man’s sense of humor too. Keep the joke about the priest, the donkey, and the two blondes under wraps until the second date. Find a funny story that ends happily without mention of bodily fluids, gases, or violence.

9. How to unhook a woman’s bra with one hand - There is about a 5-9 second rule about getting a woman’s bra off of her. If you use any more time that to remove it, then it will not come off that night, and your happy time is over. Do not try to rip the bra over her breasts. It will hurt her and kill the mood. Unclasping a bra with one hand is actually easier than trying it with two hands.

10. How to give a woman an orgasm - Unless you choose the sluttiest woman in the room every time you leave the house, about one-fourth to one-half of the women under the age of 25 that you meet, may not know how to bring themselves to climax. You have your work cut out for you. The first and most important thing about getting a woman to orgasm is that a woman’s mind controls her ability to finish. If she is thinking about her sick cat, her grades on that college final, her boss screwing her over on that promotion, or even if she just does not feel comfortable naked, then you have to make all of that a non-issue. You have to focus her mind on the fun that the two of you will have together if you want her to enjoy herself as much as you will enjoy yourself. Secondly, between 60-80% of women only reach orgasm if stimulated on the clitoris. That means that if  fail to have foreplay, you probably will not get her there. Foreplay does not mean play connect the dots (lips, neck, breasts, then va-j-j) with your mouth. It means that you need to tease, excite, and entice her. Finally, learn to read her cues. Women show you what they want with subtle body movements, but rarely with words.

How to Know if You Live in the Hood…

6 Nov

boyz n the hood02

In these difficult economic times many people that once lived a nice, suburban life, have now been thrust into different social classes and thus different neighborhoods. Some people have had to leave their home and relocate to a different area that does not at all resemble their previous location. Some people had the living space change around them drastically. Do not be alarmed. You may have accidentally moved into the hood and there are many smaller indicators of this place that are available to you. Here are a few signs that you need to make some necessary adjustments to your lifestyle, like adding burglar bars and an alarm to your home.

  • There are burglar bars on every other house on your block – Burglar bars in every window of every house on a block is your first hint that there may be a little bit of a crime problem in your new neighborhood.
  • There is a liquor store on one end of your block and a church on the other end – one of the biggest ironies of poor neighborhoods is the close proximity of the churches that serve wholesomeness and ideals of moderation and liquor stores where vices are readily available. If you juxtapose these two things with the crime rate then you will find your new neighborhood is rife with contradictions.
  • Every convenience store in your neighborhood is grossly over-priced – Why does this bar of soap cost $8? Does it brush my teeth and make dinner too?
  • Every convenience store in your neighborhood is owned and operated by a family of immigrant Americans who just learned the English language – “Around here we speak American.”

If you know what Tampico is, you will not live to see 55.

  • The “convenience” stores only sell fruit drink – Fruit juice is healthy and wholesome. Fruit drink insures that you will have diabetes and/or a heart problems.
  • Everyone of your new neighbors knows what a “40″ is – If you are not sure what it is, ask Hector, Pookie, or Bubba depending on what type of hood in which you live.

  • Your children’s new school has a hole in the roof and in the ceiling of each of its classrooms – I hope it doesn’t rain tomorrow
  • The teachers in your children’s new school are over-worked, under-paid, and generally disinterested in the overall welfare of the children – Welcome to public education!
  • Everyone of the children and adults in your new neighborhood are not called by their government name – “Tell Spider, Peanut, and Thunderbird to stop sitting on my car.”
  • You have been stopped by the police for failure to signal when making a right turn when you stopped your car, used your turn signal, made a hand gesture, and then turned your car to the right – When you live in a bad neighborhood, you will be stopped more often things like failure to signal, failure to come to a complete stop at a stop sign, and first degree assault. The last one happens if you actually are a criminal.
  • Old men sit on the corner drinking and talking from sun up to sun down – When you are over 50, retired or out of work, and poor, the party starts whenever you get up.
  • People sit on the porches of their houses and watch you – In poor neighborhoods, the residents sit and watch each other. No one knows the reason this occurs.

  • People walk into an abandoned house at all hours of the night – Congratulations, you have just seen your first crack house.
  • Your neighbor does not have a job or rich parents, but has a new Cadillac Deville with expensive rims and tires, an extravagant house, a hot girlfriend that might be a stripper (you can’t really tell, but her clothes are very revealing), and a pocket full of cash – There is a strong possibility that he sells drugs. You should stay away from him.

Pinup Girls from the Past 2

5 Nov

pinup - betty brosmer

July 11, 2013

Anita Ekberg

Betty Brosmer

Claudia Cardinale

Jayne Mansfield

June Wilkinson

Lana Turner

Lynn O’Neill

Margaret Nolan

Marilyn Monroe

Patti Waggin

Raquel Welch

Rita Hayworth

Sandra Dorne

Vanda Hudson

Virginia Bell


Pick a New Director!

4 Nov

remake - feature

Spartacus (Stanley Kubrick, 1960) – In general, you do not mess with the classics. Kubrick’s Spartacus, with Kirk Douglas as the movie’s namesake, is the quintessential film of ancient Rome. Kubrick is a great storyteller and Douglas is brooding, stoic, and somehow still emoting. Peter Jackson possesses the skill of writing, the artistic detailing, and the type of vision that would do the preceding film justice. He has choreographed beautiful fight scenes in previous movies like The Lord of the Rings and has a firm grasp medieval times which should translate well to Spartacus. He could modernize the action of the movie, give it the spectacular scenery of his other movies, and install a visual grit and darkness that matches the original while not sacrificing the authenticity of the film.

Constantine (Francis Laurence, 2005) – Constantine was an entertaining movie lead by big stars. Keanu Reeves, Rachel Weisz, Tilda Swinton, and Djimon Hounsou all play significant roles in this screenplay adapted from a comic book. The movie is dark, but suffers from bad comic book dialogue. Guillermo Del Toro has adapted Hell Boy, another comic book, into a regaling, lucrative movie series. Del Toro excels with dark material and makes intriguing, genuine, visually stunning movies when given humble scripts. His dialogue always matches mood and he never kills mood with ill-timed jokes.

Blindness (Fernando Meirelles, 2008) – Blindness had the appropriate amount of darkness to deliver a chilling look into the psyche of people when all convention breaks down. It had a strong protagonist and an evil antagonist. The acting was stellar in the movie, however the movie never climaxed. Meirelles built tension extraordinarily well in the movie, but the crescendo never reached the heights that it could have because there were tiny holes in the logic of the people involved in the conflict. Darren Aronofsky would be the perfect director to take this movie to a fitting crescendo. His work in movies like Pi, The Wrestler, and even Requiem for a Dream show that he has the depth of content and story building to finish this movie in a way that belies the original premise.

I, Robot (Alex Proyas, 2004) – Steven Spielberg could take a movie that was overrun with awkward computer generated images and turn it into a breath-taking display of cinematic images. His eye for detail in action and landscapes would deliver a realism to an abstract, futuristic idea. And, Spielberg’s gift of vivid storytelling would provide clarity in the storyline and build tension throughout the plot. There was a great premise behind the movie I, Robot. The idea that being too dependent on the advancement of technology can ultimately ruin mankind is an applicable moral in day to day life, not just the movies. But, the original film fell short of driving home the point because the movie was not believable visually.

Robin Hood (Ridley Scott, 2010) – The plot was there. The actors were talented. But somehow, this movie had no teeth. This movie was advertised to be the second coming of Gladiator. It had the same lead and was set in a similar age where people used swords and bows and arrows as their main weapons. On paper, it should have been a blockbuster. Instead it was a disaster. The producers pushed for a PG-13 rating, which handicapped the director. Instead of well-choreographed, gory fights, there were underwhelming conflicts lacking the amount of grit to make the scenes credible throughout the film. Jean-Jacques Annaud, the director of The Name of the Rose, is adept at building a complex story without showing too much gore. His characters and costumes are consistent to the era in which the movie is set,, and he portrays the darkness and desperation of medieval times accurately to historical references. Annaud’s movies always have purposeful dialogue and thus well defined characters, which Robin Hood did not have.

Alexander (Oliver Stone, 2004) – Oliver Stone missed in a few places with his vision of Alexander. He picked a protagonist that could not carry the weight of the movie (Colin Farrell), his dialogue was awkward at times, the costumes did not look authentic, and there was a discontinuity between the cast. Stone’s vision of the general Alexander was a passionate man who happened to lead one of the greatest armies ever assembled. He attempted to show the other side of Alexander too, a lover, a son, and most importantly a king. What he put on the screen was a weakling that cried insistently at every juncture of the movie for any reason. Because his Alexander was so weak as a character, Alexander’s mother and father looked like caricatures rather than characters that connected with the audience. They seemed phony because of bad makeup and wardrobe, and over-acting to compensate for Alexander’s shortcomings. Brian DePalma makes compelling protagonists. From Carrie to Scarface, his leading person always causes a reaction in the audience. DePalma also has a gift for slowly revealing plot throughout the movie which fits such a long movie well. He is adept at both visual gore and implied violence which has a bigger impact on the viewer. DePalma could succeed where Oliver Stone failed with Alexander.

Shutter Island (Martin Scorsese, 2010) – Martin Scorsese always has great character development in his movies which is a sign that he uses dialogue well. However, he rushed the pace of the movie, and gave several obvious hints through dreams and character flaws that eventually spoiled the conclusion of the movie. In addition to this, instead of a deliberate unfurling of the plot, he just regurgitates it onto the screen in a monologue at the end of the film. Telling the audience what happened in a movie instead of revealing it, devalues the build-up of emotion that has progressed through the time in the theater. Alejandro Amenabar, the director of The Others, has an almost plodding delivery of plot. But, the reward of his methodical, calculated directing, is concise characterizations and overwhelming tension build up. He takes the necessary time to engage the viewer with his plot and lets them draw their own conclusions rather than shoving it at them at the close of the movie.

Red Dragon (Brett Ratner, 2002) – The two movies that preceded Red Dragon were excellent films. Though Clarice Starling changed from Jodie Foster to Julianne Moore, and the director changed from Johnathon Demme to Ridley Scott from the first movie to the second, the level of acting by the cast and the storytelling of directors remained high. The plot and conflict of Red Dragon, however, got lost in the flashbacks of Dr. Hannibal Lecter’s childhood. It was a muddled mess that tried to explain how Hannibal Lecter became the person that he was. Cameron Crowe specializes in expressing the interactions between characters in various situations, and he told an entire story as a dream in Vanilla Sky. He could hypothetically direct this movie to be as abstract as Vanilla Sky or easier to follow like Jerry Maguire with darker content.

The Golden Child (Micheal Ritchie, 1986) – Guillermo Del Toro is the only director to appear twice on this list. The Golden Child was just dark enough to be believable and just light enough to appeal to most people. However, most great movies do not appeal to the younger audiences, and Del Toro is capable of making this movie even darker and more fantastical. He excels with fairytale movies and has a credibility that has been unmatched since Star Wars. Where the original Golden Child is almost unwatchable near the end of the movie because of bad special effects, the revised version could be incomparable with the right effects. The only problem would be finding a star who was as captivating as Eddie Murphy in the starring role.

Troy (Wolfgang Petersen, 2004) – The premise of the movie Troy was dynamic. The movie had good actors, an enormous amount of action, and an intriguing, and familiar story. But, it also had a confused plot, too many storylines, and poorly choreographed fight scenes. The plot of Troy was unclear, because there were too many side stories. Ultimately, the biggest star and the most engaging one, Brad Pitt, ended up being an intentional and ill-conceived tangent from the real plot of the film. The movie showed Achilles (Pitt’s character) to be the protagonist, but the story was really about conflict between Menelaus and Paris over the beautiful Helen. Muddled into this mess is Agamemnon’s desire to rule Troy and the conflict between Hector and Achilles. Ang Lee, the director of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon is perfect for this movie. His fight scenes in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon are some of the most aesthetically beautiful scenes in cinematic history. His movies are poignant, but still entertaining.

Hopefully, the studios can take these suggestions, cut through the necessary red-tape, and get some of these concepts into production. There or so many great ideas for movies that never come to fruition for a plethora of reasons. But, movies are form of expression and artistry that will never be matched in the entertainment field and any idea to better the industry should be considered.