Paste your Google Webmaster Tools verification code here

7 Reasons She Will Not Give You A Blowjob

20 May

why she wont blow you

The world is just a sadder place without oral sex. People, in general, can be much more difficult and much more irritable if they are not being laid regularly, and some people simply do not function as well without it. Sex clears the mind, it gets the blood flowing, and it offers both physical and emotional release to those who engage in it. But, sometimes, as a busy professional man, you do not have the time or energy for an all-night back-breaking session of mind-altering coitus. A good blowjob is the perfect substitute. But, your lady friend may be a little hesitant to oblige your request. Here are the top reasons that she may turn you down for a little special attention down there.


1. Lack of Manscaping

Some guys will tell you that they would never shave any hair from their bodies, and question your manhood aggressively and publicly if you ever mentioned grooming yourself out loud. Those guys are not getting regular blowjobs, so ignore them. Women do not like stray hairs from your ”crotchal” regions stuck in their teeth. That bush that surrounds your package like an afro swallowing a hot dog needs to be hacked back before you ask a woman to spend some face time in your lap. Take a razor, a machete, or a weed whacker to your man-bits and get your pubes under control if you want to give your lady a zipper dinner.

2. You Are Disgusting

You have all the subtlety of a sledgehammer when you are asking for a blowjob, and she is less than impressed with your colloquialisms for “rooster” blowing. You push the back of her head towards your groin when she is laying on your chest, you make sure that the front of your pants are positioned at eye level whenever she bends down, and you force fingers into her mouth at random times. Believe me, she understands you. She is simply ignoring your feeble attempts at getting blowjob. The only way to ask for a blowie is to actually ask for one.

3. No Really, You Actually Are Disgusting

Bad hygiene kills any chance of a woman putting her mouth on you where the sun does not shine. If you are physically disgusting in addition to being crass and tactless, then women will avoid your privates like the plague. The area between your butthole and your peehole smells like rotting garlic cloves vomited into ripe, used gym socks. And for some ungodly reason, you only feel the need to shower every other day. If you want your lady to stick her head in that cesspool of bodily fluids and odor, then you need to clean your taint. There is dirt, sweat, and the remnants of semen and urine hanging out in your underwear. Wash your balls before you show them to her.

4. You Think You Are A Porn Star

Unless you were lucky enough to hook up with Gabby “No Gag Reflex” Patrinelli from the neighborhood, or you actually married a porn star, then your partner probably does not want you to ram your pelvis into her face when she finally does decide to give you some head. When you are dating the average girl, trying to stuff your salami down her throat may be a bad idea. Besides the possibility of black eye if you miss your target, there is also a good chance that some previously digested food may reenter the picture. And, there is nothing sexy about vomit….unless you are into that. If a woman decides to charm the trousersnake, be a gentleman.

nun - hot1

5. She Does Not Like To Do It

Yes, these women still exist. She may have had a strict religious background or she may just not like the taste of penis. But, either way she has a deeply rooted aversion to your man meat which means no blowies for you. You either leave this woman or resign yourself to a lifetime without one of the most undeniably simple pleasures on this Earth. There is very little you can do to convince a prudish woman to be more adventurous in the bedroom. Coercion, bribery, and threats of violence will not get her mouth anywhere near your pants until she decides to make a change.

6. You Never Finish

To quote the late, urban philosophy of Bernie Mac on the subject of climaxing, “Stop all that hollering, and bust a nut!” Even if she loves you down to the fibers of your soul, no woman wants to work her hands, jaw, and neck for twenty minutes without a reward. Stop all that extra moaning and groaning. She is not impressed by your sounds of man-passion, and honestly, her jaw is probably starting to hurt. When a woman is blessing you with a little mouth-to-junk resuscitation, get in there and get it done. Stop all that hollering, and bust a nut!

7. You Are Too Big

You stud, you may just be too much man for her. Everybody does not have a ten inch “Richard” in their pants, but you do. Your girlfriend, wife, or the random stranger that you have convinced to do the no-pants dance with you physically can not accommodate your manhood with her mouth. You hit the genetic lottery with that baby arm resting quietly in the front of your slacks. Congratulations, having an enormous beef whistle that completely fills out a pair of Calvin Klein underwear earned you a lifetime without good blowjobs.

big rooster03

What Not to Say to Black People

17 May

what not to say to black people

In an effort to ease relationships between the races, has put together a more simplified approach for different types of people to understand each other. Public relations can be difficult to manage, especially when two types of people from dissimilar backgrounds are forced into close proximity with one another. Ignorance is not racism, but it can be perceived that way. So, we enlisted the help of several Black people and translated the most offensive questions and comments that they regularly encounter into what those comments really mean, what they were supposed to convey, and a useful alternative to the offensive language.

 tyroil smoochie wallace

“Your name is so hard to pronounce.”

What You Said: You are not important enough to me for me to attempt learning your name. I know how to say Saoirse Ronan (SEER-sha, RO-nahn), Charlize Theron (SHAR-lees, THAIR-en), Shia Lebouf (SHY-uh, luh-Buhf), and Zach Galifianakas (ZAK, GAL-i-fe-nak-iss) even though they are not native names here in America, but DeAndre Jordan (DEE-un-dray, JOR-duhn) eludes me.

What You Meant to Say: Your name does not sound like it is spelled.

What You Should Say: Could you say your name one more time? Let me make sure I have it.


“You speak so well. You’re so articulate.”

What You Said: I do not know a lot of Black people, and you do not fit into my perception of what Black people are. You are not loud, you seem intelligent, and you have a decent sense of decorum. That’s weird because all the Black people in the media are loud, ignorant, and acting like a fool most of the time.

What You Meant to Say: I misjudged you. I had no idea that Black people were educated and well-spoken.

What You Should Say: We need to talk more. I had no idea that you were so well-versed in this subject.


“You’re not like other Black people.”

What You Said: You, who have been relegated to all the negative stereotypes and criticism that are associated with being Black for the entirety of your life, are not Black enough to be intimidating. Black people are violent, scary people. You are friendly. I have never actually talked to a Black person before this exact point in my life.

What You Meant to Say: Hey, you seem like a nice, responsible person. And, even though I do not have any Black friends, I kind of want to be your friend.

What You Should Say: You’re cool. Let’s hang out/get a drink sometime.

 black people02

“Can I touch your hair?” (while touching their hair in public)

What You Said: Your hair is curly/kinky/stiff/coarse. My hair is normal. Therefore, you are a circus freak with hair that was put here solely for my amusement. Stand still while I ogle you.

What You Meant to Say: Your hair looks completely different from mine, and because I do not know a lot of Black people intimately and I feel relatively comfortable with you, I would love to explore the differences between the textures and coarseness of our hair.

What You Should Say: Are you wearing your hair natural? I love that hairstyle. What did you do to set it like that? (You may be able to sneak in a feel if you know the person)


“What’s up?” (after saying “Good Morning,” to all the White people in the room)

What You Said: You’re different from everyone else. I know this because of your strange skin color.

What You Meant to Say: I think you’re cool because pop culture tells me that you are.

What You Should Say: Good Morning. (Keep the greetings uniform with everyone in the office unless you have a closer relationship with the Black person that gets the “What’s up?”. As a rule, if you have not had a meal or a drink with the person, then “What’s up?” is inappropriate.)


“That’s ghetto.”

What You Said: Anything that looks poor, broken, and raggedy reminds me of poor Black people, because Black people as a group have shoddy things and live in ghettos.

What You Meant to Say: What you are wearing/doing/making is terrible.

What You Should Say: “The stitching on that dress looks cheap.” “That house is in shambles. It needs repairs.” “You really did nothing with your hair today.” (All the preceding comments are still descriptive and degrading, but none of them have racist undertones. Anything that accurately describes what you are seeing can be said without making unwarranted generalizations about that subject.)


“You are so pretty for a Black girl.”

What You Said: Since Black people are ugly in general, I am shocked that you are mildly attractive

What You Meant to Say: You’re cute.

What You Should Say: You look pretty. (Yes, it really is that simple.)


“I don’t see color.”

What You Said: I am so invested in convincing you that I’m not racist, that I will publicly make ignorant comments about race that are obviously not true and ultimately make you question if I am racist. (Darker skin color is a trait that any person of color has had since their birth and it is a defining physical trait. To say that you do not see it is discounting and dismissive.)

What You Meant to Say: I do not judge people based on their race.

What You Should Say: I judge people solely on their merit. The things that you say, how responsible you are, how accountable you are to your loved ones, and how well you work individually and with others will show me the type of person you are.


“All lives matter.”

What You Said: There is way too much focus on the unarmed Black people that are being shot by police. Black people dying does not personally affect me, so we need to shift all that media focus from that subject to the real problem in America, White people dying. I am not being inclusive. I am being an ignorant asshole. And, in case you were wondering about my socioeconomic status and political affiliations, it should be fairly apparent now that I am a poor Republican.

What You Meant to Say: My life is just as valuable as any other life.

What You Should Say: Let me get behind this ‘Black lives matter’ movement because even though all lives matter, other lives are not at as much risk as Black lives right now. (We should be calling for unity instead of separatism when these issues occur.)

 all lives matter02

“Why don’t we get a White History Month? Black history month is racist”

What You Said: I think that any event that has a racial connotation to it is an affront on White people. The other 11 months in the year when people focus on the history of White America is not enough. (By the way, there is no such thing as White culture. Being White was a way of separating from being Black in times of slavery. Black people are a specific set of people who were born slaves in America or who are descendants of those slaves. They are not African-American; African-Americans are immigrants from Africa. Black people did not migrate to this country of their own will, but have formed their own culture despite years of persecution and oppression here in the United States, the place where their culture was created. There is German culture, Czech culture, Italian, Jewish, Russian, etc., but there is no White culture. Everyone of those specific European heritages are worthy of celebration and they usually have their own annual festivals in every big city. Celebrating White history would be a celebration of your disregard for people of color; it would be like having a Hitler parade in Germany.

What You Meant to Say: Aren’t we all Americans? I feel neglected by American culture.

What You Should Say: Nothing. The idea of a White History month was born in ignorance, and the best rule when it comes to public relations is, if you are not sure whether something is offensive or not, do not say anything. It probably is offensive.


If There Was A White History Month…

16 May


There has long been a disparity in the way that culture has been celebrated here in America between the races. After the turn of the century and once slavery was officially abolished, the tables turned for White people and their culture. People of all ethnicities were given civil rights and eventually the individual histories of those people became part of American history. Today, Black people, Hispanic people, and Asian people all have months dedicated to their origins. But, the diverse history of White Americans has been ignored by the masses for much too long. White people need their own specific month to remind other races of their place in American history. And, if White Americans had one particular month to celebrate their rich, cultured history that month would have to be April.

The dreary weather of early Spring would serve to remind Caucasian people of their humble beginnings in England, Ireland, and the other precipitous parts of Eastern Europe. Those constant spring showers give women an opportunity to wear those “keeeyy-ooot”, designer rain boots, a national pastime for teenage White girls. And, there is just enough sun in April for everyone to break out their flip-flops and get started on their tans. April should be the official White history month. And, several days of the month should be dedicated to the heroes and ideals of being White, because being White is being American.


April 1st – Soapbox Day

If White people had a White History Month, April Fools Day should serve as a forum for White men to address the plethora of socio-cultural problems that only affect the majority. Few people know it, but White men are by far the most persecuted ethnic group in America. They face so many systematic institutional prejudices that political correctness will not allow them to comment on without social repercussions. But on Soapbox Day, White guys get to speak publicly about any of the governmental programs and socio-economic policies that antagonize and exclude them including, but not limited to affirmative action, border protection from illegal aliens, reverse racism, and welfare, the biggest threats to White men. Soapbox Day is the day where the plight of being an affluent White man can be heard by the general public.


April 4th – Appropriation Day

Nothing is more White than stealing culture from other people. And appropriately, the gross bastardization of other people’s identities should be celebrated on April Fool’s Day.


April 8th – Nutella Day

Any proper White History Month needs at least one date committed to Nutella. Nutella Day is an ode to the genius of Pietro Ferrero, who ate peanut butter and thought to himself this should be sweeter and more “chocolatey”. So, he dropped the peanuts and used hazelnuts, skimmed milk, and cocoa to create the tastiest food spread ever consumed in North America. The result is a hazelnut topping that no breathing person can resist. Nutella is a pillar of White history and an example of how our culture can always take something from another ethnicity (George Washington Carver, a Black guy, made peanut butter) and make it less healthy and more addictive – see also bread being turned into doughnuts and upgrading drug choices from cocaine to speed to meth.

starbucks uggs03

April 10th – Starbucks and Uggs Day

Two linchpins of Winter-time Caucasian attire are Ugg boots and a fresh, steaming Starbucks coffee cup. And though Spring time has officially arrived in April, any White person would be remise if they did not acknowledge the contributions that pumpkin spice lattes and obnoxiously plush boots have made towards society. There is something that is quintessentially American, specifically White American, about overpaying for items. And, what items are more overpriced than $5 cups of coffee and $200 leisure boots? Granted, Uggs are so plush that they feel like your foot is wrapped snugly inside the warm, furry backside of a baby unicorn, and science has shown that Starbucks coffee is brewed straight from purified angel tears, but people still pay prices that are too exorbitant for the product. These items have kept college-age White women temporarily satiated one walk to the coffee shop at a time for more than a decade now, and thus should have a day in White History Month.


April 17th - Confederate Heroes Day

Confederate Heroes Day already exists in a few Southern states, but White History Month will bring it to a National level. The government tried to hide observance of this day by putting it on January 19th - a day that often coincides with Martin Luther King Day – however, the day was put in place to commemorate the birthdays of Robert E. Lee and Jefferson Davis. Confederate Heroes Day marks a time in American history that most people want to forget. But, this country was built on the backs of slaves and it is reductive not to celebrate the White gentlemen who protected the medium that formed this great land. Slavery should be celebrated. So should the men who enforced it violently and courageously. White History Month should celebrate the lives of the Southerners who persecuted and exploited people to build this country. Also, it is totally not ironic, inappropriate, or purposefully insulting to any other race of people that this day is currently being shared with Martin Luther King Day.


April 22nd – Craft Beer Day

Another standard of White culture is turning something pointless and mundane into something unnecessarily important, so Craft Beer Day is completely necessary to White History Month. There is nothing on the planet that makes White men feel more important than having an excess of knowledge about a marginally popular subject. And, what better way to celebrate that knowledge than by brewing and imbibing your own alcohol. Brewing beers precedes a long history of bootlegging that was part of most rural Southerner’s past. And, as implied by the inclusion of Confederate Heroes Day, a big portion of White history is the relevance of the South.


April 23 – Lipstick Lesbian Day

Not surprisingly, the day after the celebration of making your own alcohol relates to what happens when women drink too much alcohol. There is nothing more representative of being an American than having a few too many and watching girls kiss each other. This is not a celebration of real lesbianism because that is too exclusionary of the male population. Lipstick Lesbian Day is a day for the women who get drunk and grab a boob or two and the men who watch them creepily in a circle of their peers. This day may also be known as Fraternity Day.

tom brady - gisele bundchen

April 29 – Tom Brady Day

Tom Brady embodies the spirit of the American dream for any red-blooded American male. He represents all of the capitalist ideals of the country and should have his own day in White History Month. Brady lived the ultimate story of personal success and cashing in on your talent despite the odds being stacked against you. He went to a big football school, but mired on the bench for three years behind seemingly more talented players. Then, in his last year of college, he tore it up as a senior. He should have been drafted in the first or second round and lived out his dream as a starting NFL quarterback, but instead he was drafted in the sixth round and was stuck on the bench again in the pros. But, when his opportunity for stardom came, Tom Brady delivered. Drew Bledsoe, the starter in New England, got injured, and Brady stepped in and led the Patriots to a Super Bowl. He went on to win two more Super Bowls in the next three years and the Patriots became the team of the decade. Brady became the face of the league, was its highest paid player, and led his squad to three more Super Bowl appearances and one more title. And in line with a common practice of White men, as his star rose, he left behind the people with whom he started his journey. He left his beautiful actress girlfriend, and married the highest paid supermodel in the world who is actually worth more money than him. His team regularly dumps the best players around him to replace them with suitable replacements, but he stays entrenched in his seat of power. Brady has three perfect little blonde children, models in his spare time, and pretty much owns the world. A day in White History Month has to be dedicated to this man. Tom Brady represents the American dream.

How to Get Into the Club

15 May

how to get in the club

how to get in the club04

1. Be a Hot Chick - Hot women just have an easier life, especially in their 20′s. And, the one place where hot women reign supreme is in night clubs. They can usually skip the line outside altogether if they are cute enough. Once they get into the club, idiots buy them drinks all night. And, once these women are liquored up, they even have guys and their hater friends to stop them from making foolish decisions. Women are the rulers of night clubs.


2. Be with Hot Chicks - If you are not a hot chick, then the rule of thumb is to be with hot chicks. This is also known as being cool by association, and it works if you are male or female. Ugly women actually gain more than men by hanging with hot chicks. Men get admission to clubs by being with hot women, ugly women get free admission and free drinks.


3. Chat Up the Bouncer - Be the funny guy at the door. Everyone loves the funny guy. If you read the Cosmo polls, women always rate a good sense of humor above good looks. Of course, that means be funny without being offensive. If you bother the patrons of the club or take verbal shots at the bouncer, then you get kicked out of line and possibly kicked in the head.

4. Bribe the Bouncer - The standard bribe is $20. Fold it into your hand and extend your hand to the enormous, inbred pig that stands between you and under-dressed girls with over-priced drinks. You chance losing twenty dollars, but it is a risk that I am willing for you to take. The bouncer may ask for more too depending on the city you live (Vegas could cost $50-$100). If he goes for your bribe, then he should usher you past the schmucks that are waiting in line to the door where you still have to pay an entrance fee. Lucky you.


5. Be a Regular - The best trick for getting into a popular club is becoming a regular. Almost every club has a few dead nights during the week. This is when you should get to know the bouncer and all the people working the door. They hate being there on slow nights and you have an opportunity to build a relationship with them then. Ask them a few questions about the club and themselves. Once you know them and they recognize you, try again on a popular night. You might get the VIP treatment without paying for it.


6. Check the Back Door - If all else fails, the answer to how to get in the club could as simple as walking into the unlocked back door. Clubs need a way to get food and drinks into the club and a way to get trash and drunk people out of there. Some clubs leave the kitchen entrance and back exit open and unguarded. Walk in like you belong and you may make it to the dance floor for free.