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Archer and Their Hollywood Look-Alikes

21 Sep

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Archer has become one of the most popular cartoons on television in recent years. And, there are even talks of a real-life movie based on the characters of the cartoon. Well, here are the actors that would best fit the cartoon aesthetically.

Archer – Henry Cavill

archer look-alikes - sterling04

Lana Kane – Gabrielle Union

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Pam Poovey – Samantha Anderson (For so many reasons)

archer look-alikes - pam

Mallory Archer – Pia Gronning

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Cyril Figgis – Stephen Colbert

archer look-alikes - cyril

Cheryl Vandertunt – Anna Kendricks

 

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Dr. Algernop Krieger – Michael Fassbender

archer look-alikes - krieger09

Ray Gillette – Vincent Cassel

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How to Get Laid

20 Sep

ladies man

1. Be a Dick

The pun here is fully intended. In order to use your penis, you sometimes have to be a dick. This does not mean that you should act like a  total douche bag to every woman that you meet in order to get in her panties. That would be completely counterproductive. But strangely enough, women like a little bit of a challenge so a little aloofness and sarcasm works wonders with the ladies. Ironically, the guys that really do not care if a woman is interested in them get the most action from women.

2. Be Quiet

Men tend to talk about themselves incessantly in their first encounters with attractive women, which is problematic because women really only want to talk about themselves when they meet a guy that they like. That is how they “connect” with men, by talking about themselves. So, be quiet. Women will love that you listen to them. After all, you are nothing like Roger, her ex-boyfriend, who only talked about his job and only wanted her for her body. In fact, you are unlike all the rest of the men in the world, you sly dog. Keep your mouth closed and she will assume that you are stoic and mysterious. Mystery is intriguing.

3. Be Humble

Somewhere in between breaths, this woman is going to ask you something about you. This sounds like an invitation for you to tell her about all of your greatest achievements in life including the time that you ran for a winning touchdown with your third grade football team, however, she is just being polite. This is also not the time to regale her with stories about the time you unjammed the copy machine at work like good ole’ Roger. This is when you say something cryptic about loving to spend time with your family when you are not with friends. It makes you sound wholesome, and Doggystyle Debbie has to feel good about you as a person in order to sleep with you on the first date. Leave all your real accomplishments and your salary out of the conversation because you may sound boastful by mentioning how much you earn. Redirect the conversation back to her. You are such a good listener.

4. Wait for the Magic

If you have listened intently, and given her a few related comments for extra points, then there will be a moment when she is ready for the first kiss. When the train of words finally stop pouring from her mouth and she looks into your eyes intently, go for the kiss. Do not wait for her to kiss you, because a lot of women will not make the first move. Do not mouth rape her, it is a death sentence for sexual activities. Give her a soft, passionate kiss on the lips and wait for the magic to happen. If she likes you, then she will reciprocate. Ignore the compulsion to drop your pants here, keep kissing her, and up the ante with a little light petting.

5. Be a Master Swordsman

Okay, so you have finally convinced her to do the “no-pants” dance with you. You have to impress her if you ever want to get laid again. Do you know what the G-spot is? If you do not, then Google it. It does exist, and it is your friend during foreplay. If you do not know what foreplay is then kill yourself. Foreplay is the most important part of any sexual encounter with a woman. She has to be kissed, touched, and caressed before Mr. Happy makes his first appearance.

These are the 5 simple steps for finding your way into a nice young lady’s naughty parts. Follow them closely, and you might just end up with your first walk of shame the next morning. Ignore them, and you will have to spend another night with your mom’s Victoria Secret catalog, a bottle of lotion, and your dominant hand.


Batman Is Overrated

19 Sep

batman sucks

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We have all heard the hype surrounding Batman. Batman is the best tactician in the world and he is smarter than all the other superheroes and villains combined. Batman is the best superhero ever. And, though he has no special powers, he could still defeat all the superheroes in the Justice League. He has compiled a contingency plan for each superhero in the Justice League just in case one or all of them go rogue because he is smarter and more prepared than everyone. Well, all the stories that we have heard about the Dark Knight are a lie, he is extremely overrated as a superhero, and there is no way that brains and a gadget belt beat genuine superhuman abilities. The story of Bruce Wayne is only beloved because people love the narrative of the underdog who wins despite being less talented than his opponents. A billionaire genius who secretly fights crime with an arsenal of high-tech gadgets and superior strategic and tactical advantages would make a terrible hero in real life. And, even in the land of fiction the Dark Knight falls short of the mark. The idea of Batman is even more fantastical than say the story of an “super” man who possesses mid-blowing abilities disguising himself as a dorky reporter. The narrative of Batman says that an average human being with a lot of money could defeat the aforementioned super-powered alien simply by being smarter, and that narrative rings hyperbolically unbelievable. Batman is completely over-matched physically against almost everyone that he faces, his story is ridiculous, and – here is a surprise – he is completely ineffective as a hero. To put it quite simply, Batman sucks.

Batman’s lack of any real power would be his downfall if comic books read anything close to reality.  There is no way that a guy with no superhero powers could compete with villains that are faster, stronger, and in some cases just as intelligent as he is. Superior intellect can be an advantage, and superior tools help close the gap between the naturally gifted and the average guys, however there is no substitute for brute strength, raw speed, and agility in a physical competition. No one hires a team of intellects and philosophers to move lumber at a construction site. And, there is a reason that weight classes exist in professional and amateur fights. Big strong guys who are trained to inflict punishment on others usually beat up smaller guys regardless of their intellect or training. Batman would be no exception. Though he is larger than the average human and well trained in an infinite number of martial arts and combat disciplines, Batman is limited by his humanity. Here is a list of Superman’s abilities. He can move faster than the speed of light, his body is impervious to any known material except kryptonite, his physical power can only be compared to the strongest “beings” in the universe (other super heroes), he can fly, he shoots lasers from his eyes, and his breath can freeze objects. Batman is on the other end of that spectrum and only has a lot of money and a lot of gadgets. Batman would get destroyed if he ever faced Superman in a fight outside the comic book world, and his lack of real super powers would have gotten Batman killed while facing Gotham’s worst villains.

Batman could not have survived in the real world against insane criminals, and if he was not killed by an actual villain in his adult life, the tragedies of his childhood would have stopped him from becoming the most beloved “superhero” of this generation. His childhood mirrors the depressing upbringing that leads people to lives of crime. When a nine year old witnesses the murder of his parents, there are only a few outcomes that could feasibly come from that situation. Bruce Wayne eventually would have hung himself and left his body for his butler to find after years of self-loathing, stress eating, and several anxiety medications if he watched his parents die as a child. And, if there was no suicide, then he would never mature past the age of nine mentally and emotionally and spend his time banging strippers and snorting cocaine until his fortune ran out or he overdosed. And, even if Wayne got past these inevitable obstacles and became a vigilante crime fighter, he would either be killed by real villains or spend years in prison after being arrested for multiple counts of assault with a deadly weapon. No person with his profile could function as a vigilante for years without being caught or killed.

But, none of those shortcomings in the narrative of Batman come close to his largest deficiency as a superhero. His biggest failure as a hero has nothing to do with his lack of real super powers. Batman’s most extensive failure as a superhero is the fact that he has never really stopped crime despite spending a lifetime fighting against it. He is essentially a vigilante criminal working as an unlicensed peace officer while putting other criminals behind bars. And appropriately, like the real police force he is powerless to keep them there. The Dark Knight astutely solves mysteries that no other hero could solve because of his superior intellect, and with his superior technology, he defeated villains that had numerous physical advantages over him. But, literally every villain that Batman arrests ends up back on the streets committing the same crimes that they did before he arrested them. How many times can you fight the Joker, the Riddler, Cat Woman, and the Penguin before the story gets old? How many people have died as a result of Batman’s inability to stop the villains of Gotham City? The same code that does not allow him to kill criminals (even as a “criminal” vigilante) cripples his ability to propagate any real change, and that is the largest failing of his character.

Batman is not a real hero or a champion fighting against crime. He is a mild deterrent to villainy at best, and his story is completely unbelievable. Batman is fundamentally the story of a kid who watches his parents’ murder and instead of spiraling out of control, becomes the symbol of hope for a city and more powerful than literal super humans. It is the tale of a man with an excess of wealth who has a dream for a better world and changes things for the better through a personal crusade fighting crime with nonlethal weapons. A billionaire would be more worried with continuing to build his empire than arresting criminals. If Bruce Wayne could be Batman, then so could Donald Trump. Batman is wildly overrated.


Reasons Your Marriage Will Not Work

18 Sep


Marriage embodies ideals of compromise and perseverance, and maintaining a marriage requires a lot of patience and commitment. But, you have probably heard that all before. Counselors and clergymen constantly talk about the extreme sacrifices that people must make in order to make a marriage work. Marriage boils down to two simple tenets, compatibility and communication. Without these two ideals no relationship can progress. Compatibility and communication ultimately strengthen or destroy a marriage, so every couple should check how well matched they are and how well they express themselves to one another before they wed.

Compatibility

There are several compatibility issues that will either complete or corrupt a good marriage. Compatibility is comprised of physical, emotional, mental, and sexual components, and each category represents a potential obstacle for every couple.

Physical attraction stands as one of the most underrated yet most important pieces of gauging compatibility in couples. People believe that dating someone based solely on their looks is shallow and narrow-minded. They think that choosing potential mates based on appearance means finding the most attractive person in their lives and wooing them. However, being physically attracted to someone does not mean marrying the prom king for ladies or some exotic supermodel for men. It simply means finding a person that you find attractive even when they are at their worst. When you are single, you put your best foot forward on all occasions. Ladies are always made up and wearing sexy outfits, matching underwear, and heels. Men wear their designer shirts, shave regularly, and spray cologne to impress their dates. However, in a marriage, you will eventually see a person when their guard is down and they do not have the energy to make their appearance their first priority. You will see your spouse without the grooming that you grew accustomed to when you were dating. Someday, your husband or wife will be unshaven, without makeup, sick, depressed, and unkempt. This is why basic attraction is more important than most people will admit. Physical attraction can distract couples from some of the lighter emotional trials that they will face. If you have a specific type of man or woman that turns you on, then your partner should share some or most of those traits. People are kinder to a person to those whom they are attracted. It may seem shallow, but you have to look at the face of the person that you marry for the rest of your life. It better be a face that you enjoy seeing.

Emotional compatibility weighs more heavily than physical attraction in relationships because the bonds made through emotional connections are stronger than aesthetic ones. Most people think that opposites attract when it comes to emotional attributes, but quite to the contrary, similarities in both looks and personality are what bring people together. People like and respond to people who are like them. Commonalities forge relationships. Men and women from similar backgrounds usually have similar values and parallel goals, so they also have common ground on which to stand. They relate to each other better than people with less congruent upbringings. Though people of dissimilar experiences can be attracted to one another, they have a smaller foundation to build their relationship upon. Emotional connection is the main pillar of any marriage, and the strength of the union is determined by how intuitive each member of the couple is.

Compatibility is necessary in almost every part of a marriage, from physical to emotional to intellectual. And, the level of intelligence of each person in a relationship directly affects how well they connect, so the mental aptitude of the couple has to be similar. Most stable couples share a similar intelligence quotient (IQ). IQ does not have to be exactly the same, however people who stay together have to be within a few standard deviations of intelligence of each other. To stay in a marriage people need to be able to hold meaningful conversations whether there is an emotional investment in the topic or not. Again, men and women associate with the people with whom they can relate. And since conversation is paramount to communication, people who are attempting to connect must be relatively equal intellectually.

One of the most underrated areas of compatibility is sexual compatibility. A couple’s sex life can serve as a good gauge of their happiness. When couples stop having sex, there are generally some other compatibility issues between them. Sexual compatibility lies somewhere between the physical, emotional, and mental categories. It encompasses all of the subsets, but can not be grouped easily into any one of them. Good sex requires physical attraction, emotional connection, and a certain amount of intelligence to come to fruition. A person has to excite their partner mentally and emotionally, physically motivate them, and keep them engaged. Each person has their own set of needs and desires, so couples have to have connate passions in the bedroom, but be willing to compromise. The best couples have complementary appetites and inclinations. Any sexual relationship can be broken down into how good the sex is, how much the couples desire to have sex, and the unique mystery of what turns each person on. Sexual compatibility is mostly about quality, quantity, and quandary.

However, one of the least considered factors in sexual compatibility is the desired frequency of sex between the couple. How often each member of the couple wants to have sex can weigh heavily for or against any relationship, because sex drive has to be similar in any successful relationship. When the amount of sexual desire is different, the partner who has a lower sex drive usually feels pressured by their significant other to have more sex than they require. This leads to less desire to have sex, performance anxiety, frustration, and ultimately resentment. The partner whose drive is higher feels frustrated too. They feel sexually frustrated, undesired, and ultimately become just as resentful as their partners.

People should invest their time and energy into other people who have similar sexual desires. Your sexual needs have to be fed by your partner for the relationship to work. Similar sexual interests promotes more sexual activity between lovers. Conversely, dissimilar tastes lead to less sex. The woman who wants to crap on her husband’s chest before sex should probably not marry a germaphobe. She will be left unfulfilled sexually and he will be disgusted. The quality of sex weighs more heavily than both the frequency of it and the type of sex that a couple has. Good, passionate sex bonds people together. In humans, sex works to ease tensions between people by releasing endorphins. Women get a cocktail of hormones that includes oxytocin, the hormone specifically related to bonding, when they engage in sexual intercourse. Sex literally does emotionally connect women to their partners, so a man’s ability to please his partner is essential to connecting in marriage. Good sex helps strengthen relationships. Whether couples engage in break-up sex, make-up sex, or good old-fashioned scheduled Saturday night sex, the quality of the intimacy counts most.

Communication

Being able to communicate with your spouse is equally as important as being a good match with them physically, emotionally, intellectually, and sexually. Couples that can not talk to each other candidly and effectively about both important and menial issues will eventually split. People in a healthy relationship must be able listen to the issues of their partner and to convey their feelings about their own problems. For any couple, sharing is paramount to their thriving relationship.

And contrary to what most people believe, communication starts with listening. People think that communicating is telling someone what they think and feel. But, the most important requirement of a good communicator is the ability to actively listen to people. Actively listening involves hearing and internalizing the words that are being said and repeating what you have heard back to your partner. It takes discipline and understanding. The easy thing to do in a talk or an argument is to react to what your partner has said and rebut immediately, however a person who values their partner’s opinion will listen and mirror the sentiments that they have heard back to their partner.

This simple action validates the partner and makes them feel understood at the least. So many disputes amongst couples boil down to he or she does not listen or they do not understand. Actively listening solves that issue. When it is your turn to air your problems with your significant other, you need to use language that is not accusatory and inflammatory. Speak about what you have done wrong in the situation, and then give suggestions about what both of you can do in the future to reach amenable results.

Communication is about relaying your ideas clearly to your spouse and letting them know that you have heard and that you respect their beliefs.