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What Not to Say to Women

19 Apr

never say - slap

1. Yes, you look fat in…, that dress, that top, that skirt, nothing, those earrings, or whatever – A significant amount of women are overly insecure about their appearance. By answering their question truthfully, you have confirmed all their insecurities about themselves and started a few new issues in your relationship. The issues include, but are not limited to: “If he thinks I’m fat, will he leave me for someone prettier?”, “He must not love me enough, if he thinks I’m fat.”, and “Did that bastard just call me fat?” The truth about her weight is more harmful than a slight deflection or even a blatant lie. The correct answer to “Do I look fat in this?” is, “You look good to me, but I don’t know anything about fashion.”… unless your name is Ralph Lauren, in which case you are screwed.

2. What are those? Double D’s? – First, you should not ogle a woman’s breasts no matter how perfect and pendulous they might be. You should not stare at them regardless of how they sway majestically as she glides towards you in slow motion. You should not focus intently on them in an attempt to see the outline of a brassiere or the complete absence of a brassiere. But, if you do all this and the woman that you are now “boob stalking” has not kneed you in the groin, then you should not further embarrass yourself by yelling out the most socially inappropriate question that a man can ask a woman.

3. How old are you? – No woman over the age of 25 is going to tell you the truth about her age initially. If she likes you and thinks that she is older than you, she might tell you a younger age. If she feels like she’s getting older too fast, she might tell you an older age. If she feels younger than she actually is, she might give you a younger age. Just wait until she tells you her age or shows you her driver’s license.

4. What are you, like 45-50 years old? – This is only acceptable if she is clearly 70-80 years old. And since you are not that perceptive, you still should not say this.

5. Congratulations, when are you due? – Strangely, women are not pleased when people mistakenly congratulate them on being pregnant. Instead of focusing on the positives of pregnancy like the glow of an expecting mother and the cute waddle that they have, they generally perceive your compliment as you calling them fat. It must be the hormones.

6. You sound just like your mom. – You are searching desperately for a knee to the groin.

Even if your mom is a former supermodel…

7. Your mom is hot. – No woman wants to think about you fantasizing about her mom, even if their mom is Christie Brinkley (shown above), Demi Moore, or Heather Locklear. Knee + Groin = Pain

8. She’s hot (when standing next to any woman). – Unless you are standing next to a lesbian who is staring at the same woman, you are being disrespectful. If you are standing next to your mother, then you are being aloof and disrespectful. If you are standing next to your sister, then you are being gross and disrespectful. If you are standing next to your boss, then are being disrespectful and getting fired for sexual harassment. And if you are standing next to your girlfriend/wife/significant other, then you are being disrespectful and will soon understand what happens when a knee meets your groin. See #7 if you have forgotten what happens.

9. Are those real? – If you do not know if they are real, then it is none of your business.

10. It’s not you, it’s me. – Leave this line at home locked in a vault never to be spoken. Women know that 9 times out of 10 times, when a guy breaks up with them, it is not because he needs time to discover himself. It is because he thinks that she is crazy, boring, or not hot enough. Save yourself from the endless tears and groin pain.


A Lesson About Your Reputation

18 Apr

man with his goat

One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing….

“I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. We had to cut down trees to build the support structure. We dragged boulders from the mountains to help sustain the foundation. Then, we drove the pins into the bridge with sledge hammers to make sure that it did not fall apart. That bridge was built on the sweat of my back, but people won’t call you ‘the bridge builder’ if you do that here. No, no, they don’t!”

“I remember building that house over there when I was 30. I traveled out of state to cut the lumber for that house. The proper trees for that type of house do not grow here; they only grow in swamps. It took a week to get the wood back here, and months just to get the frame set perfectly. The actual building of the house took me two years. Most houses today are up in months, and they have to be torn down and rebuilt after twenty years. That house is still in pristine condition. But people won’t call you ‘the house builder’ if you do that. No, no they don’t!”

“I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. I have been drinking there fifty years. The stills that they use to make their own special house bourbon were built by me. The barstools and chairs were made by a specific technique that only twelve people in the world know. My grandfather taught me how to make the joints when I was a teenager. That tavern was one of my best works. But, if you do that people won’t call you ‘the tavern builder’ either. They sure won’t!”

“But, you fuck one goat…….”

 

Lesson: Your reputation is hard to build, but easy to sully. Be careful about what you do.


Reasons You Should Wait to Have Children

17 Apr

wait - responsibility

Children are the most wonderful gift that any couple could be given. They are little bundles of joy that make their parents more responsible, happier, and better people than they would have been without them. However, no person fully understands what it means to be a parent before they become one. Having children changes your life in ways unimaginable.

 

1. You will have no time – Your parents tell you that your children will take all of your time from the moment that they arrive, but you cannot totally comprehend what that means to the way that you live. From the very first day that your child is born, your child will be with you or your partner which means that you will have to factor the time it takes you to get your child ready into the time that it takes you to leave your house. For an infant, that could easily mean an extra hour between changing the baby’s diapers, getting the baby clothed, and feeding it. Once they reach school age, you will have programs and games to attend. Your children do not become self-sufficient until they are teenagers. All of your free time goes to the care of your child once you become a parent.

2. You will have no money – Kids cost money. Plain and simple. Those aforementioned programs are  financed by parents. In addition to the fundraisers and drives that you will be forced to participate in, you will have to pay for the costumes, uniforms, or nice clothing that your child has to wear. In fact, children require a large amount of clothing without extra school functions. Girls grow steadily and will need a continuous flow of clothing throughout the years. Boys grow sporadically and can completely outgrow new clothing that was purchased a month ago. If your child gets sick, you have to pay for the doctor, and they will get sick. Insurance rarely covers over 80% and you have to pay the deductible too. Your finances leave your pockets once you have children.

 

3. You will never be alone again – Raising a child is not like having a puppy. With the latter, you can stick it in a cage when you need some alone time or put it outside. Your son or daughter will be in your home, with you, until he or she is at least 18 years old. This means that you and your significant other have to schedule babysitters to regularly spend the necessary time that it takes to maintain a relationship. Your child will be attached to one of you until they get out of the house, so any extra-curricular activities have to wait until they are sleep.

 

4. You are responsible for another life – Your children are your responsibility. Parents have to know where their children are at all times, especially in the infant, toddler, and prepubescent stages. Younger kids have natural curiosity and find the most dangerous objects and chemicals with ease. Older children play roughly with each other and injure themselves and others. Kids in puberty are still difficult to guide because their changing hormones make them more likely to take risk and make poor decisions. Your life will become a vicious cycle of worrying about your children. How is this affecting them? How are they affecting others? What can you do to affect anything? Children are the leading cause in adult anxiety.

5. You decide your child’s success in life – You are responsible for guiding your child’s decisions. Every word that you say and every behavior that you show them molds their actions toward a goal and thus shapes their future. You become an example of  how to live whether you choose to or not. Their actions reflect your ability or inability to teach them sound reasoning and decent morality. Suddenly, every one of your actions affect the person that is closest to you. That is a lot of pressure for anyone.

 

6. You are selfish – Honestly, you are too self-centered to have a child. All the attention and focus of your life shifts when you have a child. You can no longer spend quality time with your partner and your sex life will be non-existent for the first few months after their birth. Think about that for a moment. No sex. You are in the prime of your canoodling years, and the baby will force you to go thrustless for months on end. Women can not see past the baby’s needs. Men can not see past the their insecurities.

Having a child transforms your lifestyle into a shell of itself. You will be worn out, penniless, sexually frustrated, and completely engulfed in the life of your little one, and so will your partner. If you can afford to wait to have children, then wait. They are the most precious gift that you will ever receive, but once they are on the way into this world, your life will never be the same.


Why “SlutWalk” is Stupid

16 Apr

slutwalk03

Feminists may very well be both the most intelligent and the most clueless collection of people on the planet. They are generally well-educated, delusional women with a chip the size of a boulder sitting on their shoulders (Yes, that misogynist pun about shoulder boulders was intended) The world is against them, and men specifically are the enemy. To feminists, women are victims who need to be protected from the abuse of the patriarchy, and yet they are somehow also smarter, more well-rounded, and more powerful than the men that oppress them. It makes a lot sense, right? Women should be treated as equals to men in the workplace, but they also should be allowed special treatment in the workplace in specific cases. According to feminists, men purposely ignore or intentionally take advantage of females by keeping the inherent power that comes from being a man in a system that caters to men. For them, men are hell bent on keeping women out of power. And though these women have some valid points about the plight of women, their message about men is unfounded and fantastical. Every year, there are a collection of rash, misguided attempts to normalize the female breast and to fight against sexual assault through baring female breasts in public. Their belief systems about sex and the female body regularly cause radical public displays of nudity that alienate the people whom they are attempting to persuade and simultaneously gives the debauchees and perverts whom they are protesting exactly what they want. And though there is a solid set of ideals behind these protests, the actual protests are imprudent, offensive, and ineffective.

The SlutWalk campaign champions the rights of women, and the basic premise of their events is to bring attention to women’s rights by any means necessary. They aim to stop the persistent blaming of victims of sexual assault for the crimes committed against them and to protect women – and more specifically protect sex workers - by normalizing and desexualizing the female body. However, the creators of the event made one major mistake on the most important premise of debate when planning their protests. The message that they want to bring to the masses is lost on their audience. In an attempt to empower women to reclaim the female body and humanize the female breast, the organizers of SlutWalk formed an international movement where women walk scantily clad or even topless through major cities around the world and protest against inequality. however these women are giving the misogynistic men who ogle, disrespect, and sometimes assault women more ammunition to be surly and unkempt.

slutwalk04

“SlutWalk” is the physical manifestation of an ironic dichotomy. The problem that these women are trying to address with their protests causes the opposite intended affect on the people whom they are trying to get their message. They need to find a better way. The message of SlutWalk is simple and profound. Breasts, clothing, and even overt sexuality do not cause rape. Rapists are the only cause of rape. And though that sentiment is completely true, rapists do not commit their crimes because of the sexualization the female body. Rape is about power, and generally those who commit sexual assault were victims of assault too. The women behind the cause are well-intentioned, but the men who will actually listen to their protests generally do not commit crimes against women. The men who these protestors are attempting to reach do not respect women because they do not respect themselves, and women exposing their bodies to these men will not help their cause. SlutWalk could actually be exacerbating the problem that they are attempting to solve. This is the problem with angry, overzealous feminists attacking perceived slights against women.

Feminists are so wrapped up in yelling their message publicly that they often fail to see what is right in front of them. Their message is flawed at best, and stupid and grossly irresponsible at worst. It is idiotic to put your body on full display to protest against the people who take advantage of women who show their bodies. It is ridiculous to try to reason with criminal deviants. And, it is pointless trying to change an established culture by using only shock and awe. SlutWalk attempts to fix a problem that has been systematically entrenched in our society over the course of history by exposing themselves instead of working to expose the problem. The feminists behind the event should spend their time and resources creating legislation that helps their cause and getting people who are sensitive to their cause in office rather than showing their boobs and yelling at people who only showed up to ogle them.