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Mailbag- December 2010

23 Jan

by AFM

Thanks to all of you for making 2010 a banner year for our website.  We look forward to even better things in 2011!  Here’s an expanded holiday edition of our monthly mailbag…enjoy.

Dear Answers From Men,

Which of these is most likely to happen in 2011: Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao fighting, Allen Iverson quitting on his team in Turkey, or Tiger Woods winning the Masters?

Allan; Las Vegas, Nevada

By far, this is the easiest question of the month. Allen Iverson quitting on his Turkish ball club is most likely to happen in 2011.  Pacquiao and Mayweather may never fight. Mayweather seems to be scared of Manny. But, he does a two valid points, one that Pacquiao seemed as fast as ever despite putting on weight, and two, that he would be administered the same test that Pacquiao would take. Tiger Woods is actually human. I’m just as surprised as you are, but he has been affected by his personal problems. Iverson has a long history of bolting for the door when he’s unhappy, so he stands to leave Turkey as soon as he figures out that it’s not in America.

Dear Answers From Men,

My husband and I have always been pretty adventurous in the bedroom. Recently he’s been asking me about bringing in a 3rd person (another woman). I’m not really comfortable with that, so I’ve been vehemently refusing. Should I be afraid that he’s gotten bored and is about to cheat on me?

Linda; Roanoke, Virginia

You should tell him that you were more so thinking of inviting another guy into the bedroom, and that it would be really hot if they made out while you watched. If he says ok, then divorce him, because he’s gay. If he looks at you in disgust, then tell him that you feel the same way about seeing or touching someone else’s lady parts. He should get the picture. Experimenting in the bedroom is only fun if both partners are into the new idea. And adding a third party, in a committed relationship almost always has terrible consequences, like heartbreak or break-ups. But Linda, I think that you have little cause for concern. Every man wants to have threesome at one point in his life. If he is trying to convince you to have one, even though he is obviously misguided, he still wants you to share in his adventures. And cheating does not happen because someone gets bored. It happens because there is some deficiency in a relationship, whether it be sexual, emotional, or mental.

Dear Answers From Men,

My buddies and I are excited about the newly single status of Scarlett Johansson.  Our debate is about who will have the pleasure of being her rebound romance.  I say it will be Justin Timberlake.  Some of the other guys say it will be Daniel Craig, John Mayer, Zac Efron, or Michael Vick.  Do you think any of us are right, or is it someone else?

Stan; Flagstaff, Arizona

who will have the honor of being her rebound boyfriend

None of those guys have a shot in hell of dating Scarlett Johansson. Daniel Craig is too old. Timberlake is still stuck on Jessica Biel, understandably. John Mayer can’t keep his mouth shut. Who in the hell is Zac Efron? I think Scarlett is a little older than 13. And Vick killed dogs. The rebound guy is always very similar to the ex or a stark opposite. My gut says that Scarlett will stick with the funny, All-American boy. Dane Cook has a better shot than any of those guys. If not him, then why not Michael Vick? Bad boys get the good girls.

Dear Answers From Men,

My old lady is making me stop one of my vices for New Years or she’s fixin’ to leave me.  Which should I give up: drinking, smoking, or chewing snuff?

Clint; Hico, Texas

Wait, you’re seriously asking which vice to give up? If that women does not love you enough to let you kill yourself daily, then you should get rid of her and keep your own personal, inanimate death squad. If you love her too much to enjoy the rest of your life in a smokey, liquor-filled room, then you should give up the tobacco. It is the only product that America sells that will assuredly fail you, besides condoms and weather forecasts. If you dip snuff or smoke regularly, you will die of emphysema or cancer of the mouth, throat, and/or lungs. Unless you are an incoherent drunk daily, your liver can withstand your self-inflicted punishment over time.

Dear Answers From Men,

Who do you think is the biggest sports goat of 2010?  I don’t really wanna talk about all the serious sad stuff that happend this year like the US economy still sucking, the earthquake in Haiti, the BP oil spill, or the end of professional politics.  Do you think it’s Tiger, Lebron, Favre, the vuvuzelas, Roethlisberger, Roger Clemens, Floyd Mayweather, or the NCAA and their hypocrisy?

Paul; Portland, Oregon

We would like to take this time to address all of our opinions on the sports world while answering your question, Paul. Tiger is not an addict, he’s a 30 year old with the maturity level of a 20 year old, that could not keep his pants up. He needs to grow up. LeBron James made the best decision for his career, but he could have handled the trade to Miami a lot better. He also needs to learn when and how to talk, and when to shut up. Yes, the quality of basketball games would be better with the contraction of the league, but the league does not want better teams, LeBron. They want more money, which they get with more teams. And subsequently, David Stern probably had a little bit to do with LeBron’s retraction of his statement about contraction. Brett Favre is an aging frat boy, who has not figured out that he’s 40 years old yet. He is holding on to the glory days, when he could will his team to win games with his strong arm and his gunslinger attitude. He is still living in the days when random women would jump at the chance sleep with him. Those days are now over. Act accordingly and retire Brett. Vuvuzelas are awesome. Deal with it. Ben Roethlisberger is an idiot. He broke the terms of his contract and his face while riding a motor cycle, he either consensually slept with or assaulted some random college age girl in a bathroom while his bodyguards kept her friends out of the area, and he somehow still has a job as a star quarterback of one of the league’s best franchises. He is one incident away from being out of the league. Roger Clemens is possibly a liar and a cheat, but strangely does not draw the same ire and contempt that Barry Bonds did, despite no one ever saying that Bonds cheated. Floyd Mayweather is a chicken unless we find out that Manny Pacquiao is a cheater. In which case, he was right. But none of these stories compare even marginally to the hypocrisy of the NCAA. The NCAA has made countless exceptions for players in 2010 that have benefited them.They allowed Cam Newton to play after only one day of a self-imposed suspension. His father was found to be in violation of NCAA rules, by actively looking for compensation for his son’s services. This is a blatant rules infraction, but Cam was allowed  to play. Why? Because, he is the best player in college on the #1 ranked team in the NCAA’s and there was a televised game that week. 5 Ohio State players were found to have broken NCAA rules by selling paraphernalia and game uniforms that they thought belonged to them. Instead of having to miss the televised bowl game which is their next game and last game of the season, they will be suspended for the first 5 games of next season. A.J. Green, who plays for the not ranked Georgia Bulldogs, was suspended earlier this season for a similar incident, but his absence in games, did not cost the NCAA any viewers, so he was expendable. The NCAA claims to want to uphold the integrity of college athletics, but that integrity seems to only be as important as the teams ranking.

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