Answers From Men

September 1, 2010 by Matthew Thompson

Worst start to a marriage…ever.

Is your husband or boyfriend cheating on you? Before I give you the definitive list of ways to know if he’s cheating, allow me to clear up some misconceptions for a few celebrity spouses and wealthy housewives. If your husband is a professional actor, athlete, or successful business man that travels, he is probably not faithful.  I do not say this because I have cynicism about fidelity, but because I have realistic expectations of people. I wasn’t surprised that Tiger Woods had extra-marital relations or that Shaquille O’Neal had multiple affairs. They are two of the most recognizable figures in the world, so they have unlimited options for affairs. You should not be surprised that a multi-millionaire business man that is forced to travel without his family can be infidelitous. There is a direct correlation between your financial status and availability and your likelihood to have an affair. As your options grow so does the number of possibilities to cheat. But I digress…

If your man is a commoner like the rest of us, then here are a few tips to figure out if he is sneaking behind your back.

1. He changes his appearance suddenly – This sudden change indicates a larger, more impactful change in conscience. This is probably one of the 1st signs of infidelity. That new haircut that’s trendy and completely different from any hairstyle that he’s ever had, might have been suggested to him by another lady and not the barber. He normally dresses sloppily and in tatered clothes to work, but for the last week, he’s been in dry-cleaned suits? He has new shoes and a new wardrobe now. That car that you thought was a dusty brown is now bright red? He might be trying to impress some one new.

2. He’s distant and despondent – You used to communicate regularly about the casual happenings in your lives and the world around you. Now he never converses with you and is always in daydreaming. You try to get into his head and heart, but that leads to arguments. There is an emotional disconnect that occurred somehow. Your boyfriend may be emotionally intimate with someone else, which leads to physical intimacy and/or break-ups.

3. He’s always with his friends – Occasionally, this is true, but most of the time a guy is not with his friends. As a single man, I spent a lot of time with my buddies. But, a room full of single guys is loud and boisterous. If you call and can’t hear the television blaring and people yelling profanities with the occasional obscenity tossed in, then your significant other is not with the boys. He’s with someone whom you would not approve.

4. He’s working late – Different jobs necessitate various work hours and differing levels of availability. However, “I’m working late.” is a perfect alibi, because there is no feasible way to check the truth of the statement. As a spouse, you have some general idea of when your husband works and how long. If he has a big project that keeps him at work late for an extended period of time and he never brings any work home, he may be having an at-work romance.

5. You keep hearing rumors – Rumors are the proverbial two-edged sword. They could have been spread purposely to break you up by a jealous person. They could be entirely unfounded in truth and detrimental to your relationship. Or, they could be the result of a cheating lover.

6. You can never find him – He never answers his phone. Your call gets returned hours later when he’s on the way home. He does not return texts. He’s missing regularly for large blocks of time.

If you can never find your man, this may be what he’s doing.

7. You are accused of cheating - My dad used to say, “A liar thinks that everybody else lies too.” This is true for the cheater too. A person that has to consider every move that he makes to keep secrets, is carefully watching your moves too. He sees your actions through a filter of deceipt and will see every irregular behavior that you have as a sign of infidelity.

8. You are not having sex - Your lover used to kiss and hold you regularly, but now he seems disinterested. When you said that you noticed he wasn’t as frisky, he started again, but seemed disingenious. You went from a “twice a week” couple to not making love in nearly a month. If he’s not sleeping with you, then he has found another love interest. If you always have to initiate intimacy, then he is probably unfaithful.

9. He has a new “move” – If your love making instantly changes from pedestrian to explosive, or if he goes from a once a week guy to practically ripping off your clothes, then he might be cheating. He had to learn that new move somewhere, right? Here’s something depressing for the married folks out there. Technique with intimacy doesn’t usually change unprompted. So, if you didn’t teach him how to do that, his mistress probably did.

10. Use your intuition – Finally, use your intuition. If something is amiss or recently something is troubling you about your spouse, then you already have a clue that their is some deception. When you trust your intuition with these types of situations, you are rarely mistaken.