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Man’s Best Inventions

25 Jan

Occasionally, some new technological breakthrough comes along that changes the course of history. And, this is the definitive list of those types of advancements in technology. These inventions were made for men by men, and we are better for it.

Alcohol, the gift that keeps on giving.

1. Alcohol – Granted, alcohol was more so discovered than invented, and was probably the result of some guy being lazy and/or dirty. But, that guy had the forward thinking to re-trace the steps in making alcohol, bottle it, and sell it. Without alcohol, many people would never know the joys of childbirth or the secret to making your date look better. Alcohol has given many awkward men the courage to ask women out on dates, to dance poorly in public, and to fight other men that are much larger than themselves. Alcohol is one of man’s best inventions.

2. European sports cars – What screams of excess and debauchery more than a European sports car? Absolutely nothing does. They were made to be fast and to look beautiful. These cars make heads turn. Not feeling manly enough? Buy a Ferrari and drive fast. You will feel better. Wife left you for your best friend? Drive a Lamborghini on the open highway. She will come back. European sports cars solve all of life’s problems.

3. Implants – Most men prefer natural beauty, but sometimes Mother Nature short changes you. If you do not look as good as you “should,” then a little surgery can make you feel better. Plastic surgeons are changing people’s lives 300 cc’s at a time. Are your lips to thin and unappealing? Collagen fills them out. Not big enough down there? Now you can stick a tube in your johnson and pump it up. Are the other girls laughing at you because your chest is so small? Doctors will place a couple of balloons in your chest, fill them up, and inflate that bust line. Does your butt hurt when you sit down? Could you iron your pants while they are still on you? They’ll take some of the fat from your waist and implant it behind you. Implants can cushion your fall and give you a better shape. The best thing about implants is that they make you a better you.*

4. Condoms – Do you love sex, but hate those pesky kids and venereal diseases? Try condoms which are 95% effective against both. If you are one of the 5% that has contracted a disease or had a few children despite using a condom then learn to use them correctly – here’s a hint, you have to put them on – or just try abstaining.

5. Guns – They protect you, make you look cool, and give you instant street credibility. Outside of the years of silent pain and suffering that they cause when used to kill someone, and the possible years in prison that you will serve if you use it inappropriately, there is no down side.

6. Microwave – Instead of waiting for hours to eat a meal, just throw it in the microwave and nuke it for a few minutes. You could wait 20 minutes in a convection oven or 3 minutes in a microwave. You choose. Microwaves make everyone culinary geniuses or at least keep them from starving.

7. Television – A long time ago, when people wanted to be entertained, they had to talk to one another, or leave the house and find some activity to entertain them. A genius of a man, found a way to send entertainment directly to your home. There are movies, sports, and even news and weather on the tube. If you get tired of watching actual entertainers, now, you can just watch other people doing pointless things. Reality television is both annoying and intriguing. Television is the other fun in a box.*

8. Telephones – You really need to talk to someone, but do not want to actually spend time with them. Before the telephone was invented, people had to drive to meet the people that they really did not want to see. Now, instead of visiting mom and having her complain about everything that you are not doing, you can have her complain over the phone. And if you don’t like what she’s saying, you can just hang up.

9. Capitalism – Yes, it is more of an idea than an actual, tangible invention, but it birthed the greatest nation in the world and the hope and opportunity that made that nation great. Capitalism has afforded people that work hard and recognize profitable ideas a way to benefit from their talents. In other countries, these people would be deemed selfish and would be ostracized. But, in America, they are rewarded for their accomplishments. Capitalism is awesome.

He either just made a lot of money or really loves what’s on that computer screen.

10. Internet – The entire world is at your fingertips. If you are hungry, then type in food and an entire registry of restaurants will pop up on your screen. If you don’t know how to get to the restaurant, then you can look for directions online or get the telephone number of the establishment and call them for directions. If you don’t have a car to drive to the place, then you can call a taxi online to take you there or just buy a car to drive there on the internet. If you decide to stay home after all the online searching but still want to eat, the restaurant can have the food delivered to you at the press of a button. The internet gives you everything. You can find a fling, a friendship, a romantic relationship, or a trophy wife on the internet. Hell, you can buy breast implants for her online. Whatever you want can be found on the internet.

*How much better you are is completely subjective. And, you probably will not feel much better about yourself after you get implants. However, men will feel much better about you ladies. It’s just a little something to think about.

**See question #4 for the first fun in a box.

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