The Myth of the Male Friend
by Matthew Thompson on September 15, 2010
This is the truth about your male friend.
There is no such thing as a platonic male friend. It has never existed, it never will exist. This isn’t a case like that of the long-gone dinosaurs or some rare species of plants that has since become extinct with empirical evidence of their existence. This is closer to the realm of Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. They have never been alive except in someone’s imagination and it it just easier to believe that they exist rather than accept the actual truth. Yes, any woman over the age of twenty can name a guy with which they have gone to places and were not dating romantically, but that does not mean he was a friend. He was biding his time, being available, and being willing to spend time with an attractive woman. Men do not have female friends unless they are not attracted to them. And even then, they would sleep with their unattractive friend if the right occasion and the right amount of alcohol was involved in the situation. Men are only friends with other men.
The idea of a male friend dates back to childhood, when kids couldn’t really differentiate between genders. This was a different time. Boys and girls played interchangeably in a myriad of games. The two sexes hadn’t figured out that they liked each other in a more passionate way. Then, life was simple. But, once those kids grew up and sex found its way into these relationships, everything changed. The most impacting change was that men became uncontrollably horny. Most men would sleep with a friend from their childhood. Most men would sleep with women from anyone’s childhood, especially if she’s hot.
This is not a man’s idea of fun.
Having a woman as a friend, for a guy, is like having all the drama of a girlfriend without any of benefits. You get all the petty arguments, hurt feelings, talks about those feelings, consoling her about work, school, kids, or just life, without the occasional cooking, cleaning, and regular sex of a normal adult relationship. Why would any sane man sign up for that? He could hang with a guy friend that has no feelings about anything other than women, alcohol, and cars, with the occasional talks about pop culture and politics. If someone is feeling down, it doesn’t warrant a talk about what’s wrong. It warrants a trip to a club or bar and a couple of drinks. Men are simple and women can complicate things.
This is both a man’s idea of fun and how men talk about their feelings.
There are three reasons a man would not sleep with an attractive woman. There are only three. 1. The man is contentedly, happily married or in a relationship and does not put himself into situations that can get out of hand or misconstrued. 2. He is completely gay, the type where looking at women makes him physically ill. 3. He is dead. Men are socialized and possibly genetically wired to look at women. I asked an elderly man why he was ogling an attractive woman that walked by. He responded “I’m old, not dead.” I asked the same thing of a married guy, to which he promptly said, “I’m married, not dead.” And, some gay men seem to be more fascinated by breasts than straight men are.
Even old men are not your friends.
If you are even just a remotely cute woman, your male “friend” is trying to sleep with you. If you’ve heard, “You are so cool/nice/pretty/gorgeous,” or any variation or combination of those words, your friend is saying clearly that he likes you. This is just a sanguine, non-threatening way of getting you to think about how cool/nice/handsome/etc. he is. It is all a ploy. If he has a girlfriend, that does not mean that he is not attracted to you. It means that at that moment, he has someone to keep him occupied. And, depending on the how recently he started dating her and how attractive you are, he still might sleep with you. “But we’ve never even kissed.” He’s waiting for the right opportunity to sleep with you. “But I have a boyfriend.” If you want him, that won’t matter. He’ll sleep with you.”But, we tried to date and decided, we’re better as friends.” No, you decided to be friends, he’s waiting for his chance to sleep with you.
If fishing can’t keep a guy’s attention, what will?
Women, the male friend does not exist. It is a hoax conceived by one of the smarter men in our long history. You do not have a guy friend. You have a guy that’s willing to put up with you long enough to see if you’ll let him in your pants. If any man, at any point, has talked to you he was trying to sleep with you.
If the president can’t help himself around a nice butt, can you really expect the rest of us to?