By Rodimus Dunn
The following people are the most powerful people in the world, even though they don’t actually have any literal power over you. For all intents and purposes they own you. I’m not talking about police officers, judges, or even elected officials. I’m talking about people most of us cannot live without, and they make sure we pay the price…literally.
Hair stylists – In our completely materialistic, image conscious society, it’s necessary to always have your locks looking good. Stylists and barbers are well aware of this, so they charge exorbitant fees for their services. If a dude wants a buzz cut, that’ll be $20. You have to drop an Andrew Jackson for the barber to do what army barbers do in about 2 minutes. Women aren’t going to spend less than $60 for anything that they get done. Trim, highlights, perm, layers, whatever it is, they expect to get ripped off royally. The worst part about this “relationship” is that after getting jobbed by these people, you’re expected to leave a tip also! There is the option of going to a discounted stylist, but no one wants to take the risk of getting a crappy ‘do, and having to wear it around for weeks until their hair can recover.
Car mechanics – It’s impossible to leave one of these places happy. You’re completely at their mercy because you can’t do what they do, and you can’t disprove what they tell you even though you know it’s a lie. Of course you have the option of taking your car to another shop, for a 2nd opinion, but the people in the 2nd shop are going to rip you off also. Cars are expensive to maintain, and mechanics take full advantage of this because they know you need private transportation (unless you live somewhere in the northeast). Charging labor rates of like $100 per hour, these guys make more than doctors. But why go to medical school when you can get well paid ripping people off all day without having to open a single biology book.
Dentists – Similar to the hair stylists, they thrive because of our narcissism. People will not walk around with crack, chipped, or missing teeth. Dentists also own us because how do I really know if my wisdom teeth are growing in sideways? It doesn’t really make much sense, but why would they mislead me? Furthermore, why do I have to pay so much money when the actual dentist usually doesn’t do the cleaning? A dental hygienist does all the work, so why don’t I get to pay a reduced fee? The true ownership comes out of dental pain. We will pay any amount and give up our 1st born child to get rid of the aching, throbbing, and headaches that usually accompany tooth pain. Dentists know this more than anyone, and for some reason whatever is causing the pain is NEVER covered by our dental insurance.
that’ll be $200
IT guys – We will pay whatever it takes to recover that deleted file or eradicate that virus that’s taken over the operating system. IT guys know this very well, and take full advantage. My laptop had a computer virus in 2009 so I took it to the Best Buy Geek Squad for consultation. Their estimate was $185! So I was going to be charged almost two hundred dollars for something that would probably take the guy 10 minutes to fix. That’s the annoying thing with the IT guy ownership. The problem is always simple for them to solve, but they charge you like they have to split the atom to get your computer to work again. In addition, it’s beyond awkward when they ask you to restart the computer and both people are on the phone in uncomfortable silence waiting for the computer to boot up again. Can’t they just put you on hold for a minute or two so you can hear some music not silence or just breathing?
Locksmiths – The moment you lock yourself out of your car or house, your subjected to the whims of their ownership. These wonderful people charge you absolutely ludicrous amounts for work that literally takes 10 seconds. Does it really cost $80 to stick a piece of metal into a car and pop the door open? In the world of locksmith ownership this is standard operating procedure. Not only is it annoying to get completely ripped off financially by these guys, you have to wait forever for them to show up. They always say that they’re just ten minutes away, but somehow they always arrive in about an hour, leaving you to sit outside and either get rained on or watch as the gas in your car dwindles to nothingness.
about to be owned by the locksmith