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Worst Inventions Ever

24 Jan

1. Deceiving women’s accessories – Women have a whole line of products made to deceive men. False eye lashes, acrylic nails, and hair weave are all made to make women appear more attractive than they actually are. There is makeup to conceal the roughness and/or spottiness of a ladies complexion, high heels to make them taller, and concealing clothing to hide their “problem areas.” And then, there are girdles and shaping hoses. They give women the illusion of a completely more appealing figure than the one that they really have, and God help the person that sees these women without all the accessories. Your date can turn from gorgeous to gorilla in a few minutes. But none of the aforementioned deceptions compare to the deceiving undergarments that women wear beneath their clothing. Almost nothing is more misleading than a woman in a water bra or padded underwear. This is false advertising at its worst. If someone told you that you were having fried chicken for dinner, but when it was time to eat, they stripped away all the meat and gave you the bone, you would not be happy. Padded bras and underwear do just that; they deceive men by advertising meat but giving them bones. An AA-cup suddenly looks like a B-cup. Size 30 hips jump to size 36. However, even these culprits are not the worst of deceiving women’s apparel. The worst article of deceiving women’s apparel is the push-up bra. It makes everyone’s cleavage look great despite the actual condition of the woman’s bust. Breasts that point down magically sit upright. Tiny cups look two to three sizes bigger. Men have no clue what they are getting when women‘s accessories are involved.

2. Astro turf – Who’s great idea was it, to make fake grass out of plastic, to put a layer of concrete under it, and have people run across it? Anyone who has had a relative that bought Astro turf for their yard, left with scars. It leaves painful, second degree burns to anyone unlucky enough to slide across it while playing. But, there is also a chronic wear that Astro turf administers to the joints of people that played on it continuously. It wears the cartilage and tendons of the knee over time. Any athlete that played on Astro turf for more than ten years can hardly walk because of the cement that made up the foundation for it.

3. Cell phones – Being accessible at all times is not a great idea. Remember that time when you were almost out of the building, and your boss called you back up to work for an extra 6 hours and finish that case? Remember when you were hanging out with your friends and your mother called to talk about grouting the bathroom tile in the morning? Remember the time when you were driving to go drinking with your buddies and your girlfriend called crying about what a jerk her best friend is? Cell phones should never have been invented. They give people an opportunity and a means to get in touch with you at all times.

4. The Oprah Winfrey Show – Let’s just be honest. Oprah Winfrey is either the devil or she struck a deal with him. How else could a poor kid from Mississippi become the all-powerful leader of mindless housewives across America? She broadcasts her views to her ever-growing army of women and has become one of the wealthiest and most powerful influences in America and the world. If Oprah were from any other country she would have already been arrested and beaten as a danger to the authority of the government. You have been warned America. If something does not change soon, Oprah will be your next dictator.

5. Cable television – While we are on the subject of the devil, cable television was definitely a spawn of the evil one. You waste hours of your life every day watching some reality series, a premium cable show, or a sporting event on cable television. There is always something compelling on the television. Channels retain exclusivity, viewers, and ratings by controlling when, where, and how long their shows are on the air, putting viewers into frenzy for the manure that they feed them daily.

6. Viagra – There comes a time in every man’s life, when he should realize that he can not do all the same things that he did when he was younger. Viagra allows that man to keep doing the things that he should not do. It is helping your parents have sex. Think about that. Your parents are having sex because of this little blue pill. If that was not enough reason to outlaw the use of Viagra, then here another reason. Angels die when old people have sex. It is a scientific fact.

7. Security cameras – The average person is photographed 11 times daily. That adds up to 77 pictures per week, 308 per month, and 3,696 per year. Someone could literally track every move that you made in the last year if they checked all the security cameras in the area in which you live. That is scary.

8. Spandex – Spandex is great in theory. People wearing clothing that clings tightly to their form while they are working out, sounds like a good premise. Except that the invariably, the people that wear spandex are not young, hot athletic women. No, the people that wear spandex are overweight women who can not find any other article of clothing that fits them, and men. Men should never wear spandex. Most of the ones who wear it are grossly obese, but even the guys that are in perfect shape look ridiculous in spandex. It is completely unappealing and no woman wants to see the outline of your junk, fellas.

9. The Pet Rock – Alright, there is a small bit of genius that goes into finding a rock, putting a string on it, and getting people to buy it, but this phenomena was the most extravagant, pointless use of money that has graced the world of consumers so far.

10. The Internet – People spend as much time staring into a computer screen as they do spending time with their loved ones. Bosses can send you work at home now. Instead of being productive at work, you might be reading all the lovely articles on or chatting with your friends on And, God only knows what your children are doing online. The internet steals all of your idle time and robs you of all the simple things in life, like taking a long walk or just relaxing with the family. Oprah must have invented it.

Honorable Mention

69 – It’s more of an action than an invention, but both parties are too distracted to really enjoy it, and there’s a reason the sun does not shine down there.

The Pocket Rocket – Men are now almost completely useless.

The Police – The organization not the band. The police spend more time giving you traffic tickets than actually solving and preventing crimes.

Language – Talking is overrated. People are more interested in what you do rather than what you say.

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