by Rodimus Dunn
There are some sure fire things that a person can do or talk about to make sure that they’re considered a loser. We’re giving you ten, but remember that only about 12% of an iceberg is above the water.
1. Talk about your fantasy football team- Just as an FYI, tens of millions of people have fantasy teams, so why would anyone want to hear about yours? You can rest assured that no one (other than you) cares that you drafted Aaron Rodgers and that he scored 30 points last week. In a related note, you should never be in a bad mood because someone from your team got injured or because your team lost. Fantasy football is exactly what it is … fantasy.
2. Ask people how much they paid for things- If you want to be the king or queen of uncomfortable, ask someone how much they paid for their car, house, furniture, etc. And if you actually ask them these questions and they answer, don’t compound the issue by saying how you paid so much less for your own.
3. Denigrate your significant other- So we get that your wife/girlfriend pissed you off, but do you really need to call her four letter words in public? What are we supposed to say when you do this? If we happen to agree, you’ll just be mad at us for agreeing that your misses is a gold digger after you all reconcile. If we don’t say anything, you’ll be mad because we didn’t take your side. So to make things simple, just say “me and the lady are fighting.”
4. Talk about how smart your kids are- It’s really awesome that your 2 year old can count to 50, but no one really cares except you and your spouse. Unless this “genius” earns money by being so smart, it doesn’t really mean anything. Two final words of wisdom: in case you didn’t know, people only care about their own children; it doesn’t matter if the kid is smart but ends up being a stupid adult.
if this is not a college diploma, you’re kid is not that smart
5. Tell a guy “Facebook me” instead of giving him your phone number- If you don’t like him, just say it. Don’t resort to social media to reject men at the bar. Dudes take this as blatant disrespect, so the outcome is usually negative. I know guys can be aggressive and persistent, so if you don’t have the chops to tell him no, just stick to the classic method and give him a fake phone #.
6. Asking a non-employee “do you work here?”- If the person is wearing a red shirt and khaki pants at Target I can see the confusion. Otherwise, if they’re not wearing a uniform, apron, hat, and/or name tag, you’re probably talking to someone shopping just like you are. This is not complicated, shoppers don’t wear name tags.
if they’re not wearing one of these…
7. Talk about your diet- Basically no one in America is happy with their figure, and there are more fad diet schemes than there are hairs on Robin Williams’ body. Everybody is trying one, so no one is really concerned about the one you’re trying. It’s cool that you only eat carbs on odd days or that you drink shakes during the week and only eat on weekends. The thing about it is that unless you lose a ton of weight and keep it off, we all think you just wasted a bunch of time and money.
8. Talk about your NCAA March madness bracket- Similar to fantasy football teams, everyone in America has one, so they’re not very concerned about yours. It’s fascinating that you picked three upsets in the 1st round, but unless you have a completely perfect bracket and win that million dollar bracket challenge, I care about your bracket as much as I care about the weather in a state I don’t live in.
9. Name your child something asinine- Seriously, there’s no reason to name your child Lacedarius, Lemonjello, Jacquizz, Jermajesty, Apple, Acne, Uranus, Kal-El (these are all real names). Many will think this is a ghetto black people thing, but it is so not; white people are subject to the same idiocy. If the name is representative of the country of your lineage, it’s obviously okay (like Pubudu is a common Sudanese name), but if you’re not from that country, please refrain. I guarantee the resume for the guy named LaMichael will be passed over for the resume of the guy named Michael. This is someone’s life, not a game of Scrabble. There are no extra points for using obscure letter combinations.
10. Complain about your job- Now that the unemployment rate is allegedly around 10%, it’s probably best to not say anything negative about your source of income. Not only that, how many people really love their jobs? We all wish we could live the life of a movie star, but we can’t, so be quiet and keep filing those papers.