March 1, 2011
by Rodimus Dunn
How to make love- Having sex is for you; making love is for her. If you can delay just stripping her clothes off and throwing her into the position that makes you get off the fastest, your sexual encounters will be that much more intimate. I don’t want to speak in absolutes, but women enjoy the gradual escalation from foreplay to actual intercourse, so if you love your woman, oblige her with legitimate preliminary activities. The tactile arousal that comes from incessant kissing, touching, and rubbing will make her that much more excited for the parts of sex men generally find more enjoyable. I’m absolutely not saying that you should eliminate those high intensity “quickies” from your relationship. It’s actually the exact opposite. If you make a habit of taking your time and in fact making love to your love, she’ll be that much more emotionally attracted to you, so she’ll actually want more of these quickies (and she’ll try hard as hell to please you every time you guys are intimate)! As a rule of thumb, always remember that making love is kind of like ballroom dancing. Even though the man is the lead, it’s his job to make the woman look like the star. If he successfully achieves this, both parties come out on top. Having sex is like grinding with a girl to a hip hop song at a club.
Important life rules- Of course I’d heard of fabric softner, and I would always see that bear in those Downy the commercials, but I had no idea what it was really used for. Thanks to dating a woman I actually care about, I know about this product and many other salient facts. How many guys know that you are actually supposed to throw away your pillows after a certain amount of time? Apparently, just washing the pillow case isn’t enough to keep them clean … who knew? Anyhow, now I know things like the importance of replacing pillows, how often to change your bed sheets, how often to change dish sponges, when to get a new toothbrush, how long fruits are good for, and what temperature to bake things at. This is another reason women live longer than men, they do these subtle things that keep your body from being bombarded with germs.
How to hear- Everyone who is not hard of hearing knows how to listen. It’s an involuntary process our bodies use to gather information. Even though we are literally always listening, our brains ignore an innumerable amount of sounds to keep us from being inundated with superfluous information. This is essentially what’s happening when you meet the girl at the bar who talks nonstop. Although you can hear the sounds that are coming out of her mouth, you basically don’t process a single thing she says. Hearing is something totally different. You have to listen in order to hear, but hearing is certainly not an involuntary activity. It involves listening to and recognizing the importance of what a woman says, how she says it, when she says it, and where she says it. This is very difficult because humans are generally not very good listeners, and women innately talk much more than men. A woman who is interested in you will generally express her needs, desires, and fears in conversation (sometimes whether asked or not), so you’d better be ready. If you can’t pay attention to these things, remember them later (not just for that conversation), and process them with her, you’ll never fully please her on the emotional level. The hardest part is sifting through those 20,000 words she says each day and determining which ones are important. Like any other skill it takes patience and practice, so basically you have to want to get better at it. Get good at it and she’ll be eternally grateful.
How to talk- As previously mentioned, women are much more verbose than men, but more importantly, women analyze and interpret the words they hear. You have to choose your words somewhat carefully if you really care about your lady. Not that you have to walk on eggshells, but negative or critical comments you direct at her have a powerful impact because she holds your opinions very highly. In addition, your paralanguage (rate, tone, pitch, amplitude, etc) and nonverbal communication highly influences how she deduces the meaning behind your words. There may be absolutely no extra meaning behind your words, but this is how women think. To avoid potential conflict always say exactly what you mean, and don’t waver. In a somewhat different vein, it’s important that you actually talk to her. She will appreciate that you inquire about her day and have a vested interest in the things that she cares about. Asking questions shows interest, so when she’s doing all of her internal interpreting of your words, she’ll determine that you care. Granted this may get you into conversations about The Bachelor or Grey’s Anatomy, bathroom tile, or baby showers, but it’s a small sacrifice for the woman of your dreams. It’s also important to literally talk when you get into an argument. Remaining silent only prolongs the frustration, and you lose control of the situation. Remember the key is to talk, not shout. Even if she’s yelling, crying, or being ridiculous, remember to talk (calmly), and think about all the reasons you actually do care about her.
How to compromise- This may be the hardest one since it’s something guys aren’t generally used to doing. If you’ve never been that serious about a woman, you’ve never had to add or delete anything from your normal routine. Missing a few football games, not having guys’ night out every weekend, and refraining from sexting with an ex are examples of some things you may have to give up if you really care about your lady. Some things you might have to incorporate into your life are chick flicks, going out with her friends (and their incredibly lame boyfriends/husbands), and actually eating vegetables. Surely sacrificing some of you autonomy can be hard, but think about all the things she endures to be with you (growing pot belly, kung fu movies, declining sexual prowess, gradual balding, and your friend who’s a low life and has questionable hygiene)! At any rate, the compromise isn’t all bad if you manage it properly. You may not miss that many football games if you convince her to watch some of them with you (not the really big games, of course). Most chick flicks aren’t really that bad, but they all follow the same plot, which sucks. A lot of them do have sex and nudity in them, so that’s a plus. Take turns picking movies, that way it always remains fair. Lastly, we should be eating vegetables everyday anyhow, so don’t get too up in arms about this one. Spaghetti, fast food, and cereal should not be the sole items on your dinner menu.