Answers From Men

September 11, 2010 by Matthew Thompson

Learn to cook. Learn to clean. Learn to make love. Learn to be quiet sometimes. And be funny.

Men are simple.

Unfortunately, they are not that simple, though. All the listed  tools do help, but they alone will not catch you a man. The real secret to catching a man lies with you. To get a good man you have do the things that attract men and that starts with your expectations.

The first step to catching a good man is lowering your expectations. If you are waiting for Brad Pitt, Denzel Washington, Johnny Depp, George Clooney, or Will Smith to walk into your life, cook you a gourmet meal, and sweep you off into the bedroom, then you’re delusional. The harsh reality is that guys with that level of fame and wealth are finding women that match their celebrity. Women that are single or divorced and over 25 tend to make lists that a prospective mate has to meet to be worthy of dating. “He has to be 6’3″ and 1/2, smart, funny, and in perfect shape. He has to have no kids, be under 30 years old, at a job making $80k, and write poetry on the weekends.” Guess what. That guy is already married to a woman that has way more to offer than you. That does not mean that you do not have great options at your disposal. It just means that some of the filters that you use to keep subpar mates at bay is also stopping the great ones. Throw your list away; no woman with a list for a man has found a husband. Most of the time, they are full of shallow wants instead the most important qualities for a caring, loving significant other. If he’s 2 inches shorter than you prefer, give him a shot anyway. He may make up for his lack of height with gourmet culinary skills. If he doesn’t have a six-pack but is still in decent shape, talk to him. You may find out that his personality matches your personality perfectly. Eliminating the list lets you focus on the positive aspects of a person instead of keying on their faults. Lowering your expectations helps you enjoy the first meeting more by allowing you to see your company more objectively. Basic attraction is non-negotiable. You have to wake up and see the face of your spouse every day for the rest of your life; that necessitates that he be handsome to you. However, his occupation, height, and various other factors do not matter. His ambition and personality do. Remember to search for the traits that give insight into who a person is and who they will be in years to come.

Next, you have to change the type of person that you meet. This step is not nearly as difficult as it seems. You have already changed your attitude about selecting men and are available emotionally, so the next advance in the process is to appear more attractive physically (after all men are more visual than women). If you dress conservatively, there are multiple ways to spice up your wardrobe. Try a lower neckline or fitted jeans. You can dress sensually without being slutty. If you tend to dress more provocatively, then reign in that neckline and take off the short skirt. You will get plenty of attention from men with overtly sexual clothes, but they won’t be interested in dating. Put on your heels with some slim fitted khaki pants. Both types of women should try a new perfume or different hair color or style. All these things attract different kinds of men.

Another simple way to change the type of man that you meet, is by changing your location. If the only time that you leave the house is to go to the library, then you are limiting your potential partners. In a library there are generally only frugal men who would rather order a book to rent, instead of owning it or poor science fiction freaks trying to catch the last copy of an Anne Rice novel or Star Trek volume. Try a museum, which still entices intelligent, artsy types, but also puts you into a different selection of people. You might be surprised by how much attention the new you attracts. If you are always dancing in the clubs, try a poetry reading or coffee shop. You will not get as much attention, but the men that approach you there probably have better intentions than the ones trying to grind with you on the dance floor. The only thing left to do is set up a date.

If you dress conservatively, like this

Then, this may be a sexy but safe alternative.

If you dress provocatively, like this,

Then, this is a feasible option. Still sexy, but not suggestive.

Once you’ve met at a neutral location, you have to learn not to sabotage yourself. You may be sending mixed signals or the wrong signals, especially if you’ve experienced a tough break-up or are just naturally shy. Remember your body language relates considerably more information about you to another person then what you actually disclose. Do not under any circumstance fold your arms if you are enjoying conversing with your date. He will not correctly guess that you are cold and offer you his jacket. He will assume that you are bored or disinterested and find a way to end the date. If you like him lean towards him and touch his arm or knee when you talk to him. These are all clear signs that you are into your date. You may appear indifferent or aloof if you continuously lean backwards and away from him while the two of you get to know each other. And the most important, obvious, and over-looked positive behavior in dating is smiling. Sometimes it’s anxiety about dating or just a hard day at work, but smiling is absolutely invaluable in catching a man. Smile a bright full grin when you meet him. Smile when he tells jokes. And smile when you leave him. A great smile and a good attitude hide quite a few flaws.