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March 2011

3 Mar

Dear Answers From Men,

Dude, my girlfriend has started the weight watchers thing, which is all good. The problem is now the only things to eat in the kitchen are grains, leaves, & berries. I feel like we live in an African jungle.  I support her weight loss goals, but I’m going insane.  Is there anything I can do?

Bo; Jackson, Mississippi

Tell her that she is on weight watchers, not you. Buy as many swine products as you can find, fry them up in some butter, and eat it in front of her. Buy some chips, something sweet and processed, and leave it in the house. Either she will eat them while you are gone and eventually give up her new diet, or she will leave you for being a selfish prick and you will not have to worry about her change in diet. If you lover her enough to understand that she is trying to better herself and that you should support her, then you can do a few things. You can eat the things that want before you get home and eat healthier with her. There are some healthier options that taste pretty good. Also, most changes in diets allow for a cheat day, so relish it. And, do not eat her flavored rice cakes, you will pay dearly for it.




Dear Answers From Men,

What’s the quickest way to get my girl to breakup with me? I don’t want to be a complete douche, but I figure this way her heart will be broken less. Thanks!

Brian; Dallas, Texas

Ummm, Brian, I say this with the utmost respect. Grow a pair and be a man. If you do not want to date a woman, then tell her that she is lame, her sister is hotter than her, or that her breath smells like the armpits of a neurotic, sweaty skunk and that you do not want to smell it anymore. The harshness is probably not necessary, but the honesty is absolutely pertinent to having a relationship or ending one. There is going to some heartbreak in any break up, so man up, and tell her why you are leaving her. If not, you could actually sleep with her sister. That will definitely get her to break up with you.




Dear Answers From Men,

Who are your dark horses to win the NCAA tournament?  I’m going with the Heels since we have two legitimate NBA players, and no one is expecting too much from us.

Stan; Chapel Hill, North Carolina

Stan, I understand the rich history of the University of North Carolina in the NCAA tournament, but they do not have a chance in hell of winning a championship this year. The tournament will be won by Kansas, Duke, Ohio State, or Pittsburgh. They have the most talented teams and play a distinct style that highlights those talents. Texas, Wisconsin, UConn and Missouri have enough talent to win it all, but are either flawed by less than stellar athletes or a style of play that does not dictate the way the game is played. If you only want a dark horse, then pick San Diego State or Brigham Young. Both teams boast at least one future NBA player, possibly two, and they let their best player have the ball at the most important times.




Dear Answers From Men,

How many vodkas and Red Bulls does it take to make your heart beat so fast that you can’t even pass out from being intoxicated?  If you don’t know I’m probably going to find out tonight.  I just found out my fiance slept with my roommate.

Roy; Fort Wayne, Indiana

Roy, what you have gone through in the last few days should not be forced on anyone. However, you should not self-medicate to get past the pain. The situation that you have been put in is horrible, but they have done you a favor. You now know that your girlfriend was not trustworthy and that your roommate was not an honorable person. Feel lucky that you found out before you made a lifetime commitment to her. Go ahead and cry. You have to let that type of raw emotion out. The kind of betrayal that you have experienced is life-changing. Keep yourself occupied during the day and try to rest at night. Though it might night feel like it right now, you will get past the deception and promiscuity of your roommate and fiance to find a real love. Take time to be by yourself and heal. Moving too soon in your next relationship will doom it. Actually , your next relationship will fail anyway, so go get laid, preferably without too many vodkas and Red Bulls first.

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