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April 2011

17 Apr

Dear Answers From Men,

The Lakers are the obvious favorite to win the NBA championship, but who do you think could actually give them a run for their money?

Randy; Washington DC

Honestly Randy? No one. That does not mean that the Lakers will win the championship this year, but it does mean that they are the favorites to do so. If Bynum is healthy, the Lakers are untouchable even when they are disinterested. The teams with the best chances to stop them are the Spurs, the Thunder, and the Celtics. The Spurs are proven winners, they are strong at the point which is the Lakers only weak spot, and they have 3 tested scoring options with Duncan, Parker, and Ginobli. The Spurs are also very old and have not won it all in a few years. the Oklahoma City Thunder have 2 of the most exciting players in the NBA. Russell Westbrook destroyed LA last year in the playoffs, and is playing better this year. The Lakers have no one capable of slowing him down. And the Thunder also have 2-time scoring champion, Kevin Durant, at their disposal. Durant is probably the best pure scorer in the league. No one in the league can match up with him, plus they have added Kendrick Perkins to solidify the middle against Bynum and Gasol of the Lakers. The Thunder have a team that can challenge the Lakers, but lack the experience to get it done. The Celtics have won it all against LA and match up well against them. They have the experience and talent to beat the Lakers if Shaquille O’Neal can stay healthy and be productive. Their problem is that they are beginning to look a lot older too. LA might get another banner this year, unless they implode.

Dear Answers From Men,

Recently the House and the Senate agreed to increase the United States’ debt ceiling beyond its current 14 trillion dollars.  That’s probably not the best news in the world, but I can’t even fathom that kind of money.  What would you do if you had anything close to that kind of cash?

Chuck; Louisville, Kentucky

We would buy an island, surround it with the best weaponry that money can buy, and build a wall right down the middle of it. Take all the female exotic dancers and adult stars in the world and put them on one side of the wall, and place all the hottest regular women in the world on the other side. We would then arm them with water guns, t-shirts, and pillows, and wait to see what happens. Either that, or buy Donald Trump’s television show, The Apprentice, and fire him for allowing people that should have already faded into oblivion continue to get publicity while participating in the most annoying contests ever witnessed.

Dear Answers From Men,

I’m a butt guy, and I think it’s great that Hollywood is embracing women with curves again.  With that being said, could you rank each of these rear ends: Kim Kardashian, Jessica Biel, Jennifer Lopez, Beyonce, Erykah Badu.

Andre; Augusta, Georgia

Andre, this is an incredibly volatile question. You are reducing these accomplished women down to pieces of their anatomy, and it is not right. But, I will be the bigger man and humor you.

5. Erykah Badu – Slim figure, but carrying some weight behind her.

4. Jennifer Lopez – This is a classic rear end. She made it cool for women to have curves.

3. Beyonce – She kept it cool for women to have curves, and introduced the world to one of the most beautiful dances that any man has ever laid eyes on. That “Uh-oh” dance is special.

2. Jessica Biel – Pound for pound, Biel has the best booty.

1. Kim Kardashian – Kim Kardasian owns one of the best butts on the planet regardless of celebrity.

Dear Answers From Men,

I really like my new girlfriend, and pretty soon we’re going to get intimate.  My issue is that I used to kind of be a dog, and I don’t know what to say if she asks me about how many partners I’ve had.  I know it’s not abnormal for men to have double digit partners, but I’ve had more than my age.  Please advise!

Clyde; Sioux City, Iowa

Let me help you Clyde. No woman wants to hear that the man she is falling for has slept with half of the women in the state. You should approach this situation with sincerity and caution. Look her in the eyes and tell her that you have been around the block a few times, but the wild behavior (don’t use the word “wild”) of your past is behind you. Tell her that she is really important to you and that she is the only person that you want to be intimate with now. Having an exact number is not important to the growth of a relationship. But, honesty is completely necessary. She should be satisfied with your answer if you are reassuring enough. And, if she presses you about the number, then tell her the number. If it is over one hundred, you are screwed.

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