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May 2011

4 May

Dear Answers From Men,

Which of these is the worst: men’s tennis, golf (now that Tiger sucks), the winter Olympics, the WNBA, or boxing?

Marv; Leeds, England

Men’s tennis has steadily declined since Federer started his run of dominance through the world. When Nadal actually challenged him and beat him in a few tournaments, people actually began to pay attention. Then, Federer began his slow decline into tennis mortality, and the world stopped watching again. Golf, similarly, gained a little publicity when Tiger Woods’ sex life went public. Before his car crash and the exposure of his infidelity, his dominance of the professional golf world made the sport almost as boring as it was before he won the Majors at 21. Now, his mediocrity is no longer compelling either. Why are there Winter Olympics? No one cares. The WNBA has lost its stars to age, pregnancy, and injury. The sponsors have stopped shelling out money and the league itself is in serious trouble. Plus, though the teamwork and fundamental skills are better in the WNBA, the overall product is far less exciting than the NBA. But, the worst sport to watch now is boxing by far. There are absolutely no compelling athletes and thus no compelling fights. The only boxers in the last 5 years that anyone would pay to see compete, are locked in a stalemate that will not end in a fight. At best, one of them is cheating by using performance enhancing drugs, and at worst the other is so scared of the first, that he will hide behind allegations of cheating. There are no heavyweights worth watching, and all the belts belong to people that do not deserve them. And, to top it off, mixed martial arts has passed boxing by completely.



Dear Answers From Men,

Can you settle this dispute between me and my buds?  I saw on the internet that the number of those bumps a woman has on her areola indicates roughly how many partners she’s had.  My roommate says that’s totally wrong.  Which one of us is right?


Kyle; Akron, Ohio

Kyle, you’re an idiot. Santa Claus is not real, and neither is the Tooth Fairy. Just because someone published something on the internet does not make what they said true. Whenever you read something in a book, you need to do three things, research the author, research the sources, and look for outside evidence that what the author is telling you is true. Who the author is, tells you why they believe what they believe, and if what they believe is credible. For instance, if a neo-Nazi writes an article saying that all races are inferior to their race, then whatever is in the article is probably biased. Checking who supplied the information shows if the resources used in the article are well-researched. If Jethro and Roscoe surveyed five family members on the differences between various cultures and ethnic groups, then you know that the information used is tainted. Finally, you check to see if you get the similar information from different resources to insure that the same conclusion were made by multiple groups. Bumps on the areola has nothing to do with the number of partners a woman has had. If it did some women would fall flat on their faces from all the sleeping around they do. They are sebaceous glands that secrete an oily substance to keep women’s and men’s nipples from chafing. Everyone has them, but they are more pronounced on some people than others. Your roommate is right.



Dear Answers From Men,

What’s up with the Mother’s Day versus Father’s Day dichotomy?  For the former, she’s given flowers, balloons, presents, and is taken to the nicest restaurants for dinner.  Fathers just get a crummy card, and maybe an ugly neck tie or pajamas that will never be worn.  How did these seemingly equal days of honoring parents take such divergent paths?

Bud; Casper, Wyoming

Bud, we spent hours of research on this question. When did supplying shelter, paying bills, and putting food on the table become so unimportant? Men give a lot and should receive ample reward for their contributions to the family. What we found (cue sarcasm) is that women carry the babies, they wake up in the middle of the night to console and feed them, they kiss and care for the infinite amount of injuries that children sustain, and they do an infinite amount of other things that men would not try even if they could do them. Very rarely will we at stand by a blatant double standard that does not benefit men, but this is the exception. Mother’s Day should be more celebrated than Father’s Day. That being said, I expect special treatment when Father’s Day rolls around, regardless of how much mothers do to keep everyone happy.



Dear Answers From Men,

Completely hypothetical question here: how do I go from being a player to being a pimp?  Thanks!

Dajuan; Dallas, Texas

I hate to be the bringer of bad news Dejuan, but if you have to ask, then you probably are not going to be able to pull it off. Being a player is a result of situational influences. You end up talking to more than one woman because more than just one woman just happened to be available at the same time. If you do not drop one of them, then you end up “playing” both of them. Though playing multiple woman takes a little skill and great time management, juggling partners is not that difficult. After all, Tiger Woods, possibly the least cool athlete in the world, actually messed around with pornstars, escorts, party girls, and regular women while being married with two kids and dominating the golf world. Being a pimp is much more difficult. To be a pimp, you have to get a woman to believe what you say despite what she thinks. And, pimps are not made, they are born. Case in point, I know a guy who is not that attractive, has no job, and lives at home with his parents. Pretty woman regularly buy him dinner, buy him clothes, and take him out to eat. He knows what to say to women to get what he wants. He sleeps with women that are completely out of his league because he always says the right thing. I also know several guys who saw his skill with women and tried unsuccessfully to do what he does. They copied his style, his attitude, and even his words all to no avail. So, Bud, if you are not already pimping, you probably never will.

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