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July 2011

1 Jul

Dear Answers From Men,

When is it okay to get with a chick you already know has mental issues?  Or is this ever okay?  I looked in her purse and saw a bottle of something called Zoloft.  I Googled that shit, and apparently it’s for depression, anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder.  I don’t know if I’m down for all that, but she is hot!

Asher; New Orleans, Louisiana

Let me apologize to the mentally challenged community right now for my next few comments. I am sorry. I would suggest that you leave a person with any significant mental problems alone. If the problems that she has are minor like anxiety, then you may want to take a chance with her. But if she has chronic depression, OCD or schizophrenia, then you should leave before your emotions are in the relationship. People with serious mental health issues can suffer with day to day problems and I do not know of any relationships where one partner has significant mental afflictions and it worked out well. Some of the more colorful stories end in a friend waking up to find his schizophrenic wife straddling him with a knife to his throat and a former patient whose OCD compelled her to wash her hands until they were raw and bloody. Though it can work, it may not be worth the effort and patience for everyone. On the other hand, If medicated properly, people that have mental disorders can function well in relationships and society. Plus, I hear the “crazy” women are better in bed.

Dear Answers From Men,

Dude, I’m totally going into withdrawal with no football on the horizon.  What else is there to watch to pacify my cravings for sports ?  Please don’t say baseball!

Morgan; Morgantown, West Virginia

Buckle up for a long summer buddy. Football may not return until next year if negotiations are not fruitful soon. In preparation for this depressing summer, I have been researching different sports in an attempt to fill my sports void. Soccer is palatable if you are willing to watch people run for three hours and score only twice. Lacrosse is too elitist. Rugby, seems to be the only good replacement for football. The rules are similar, except there are no forward passes. The games are short. And they play rugby with no pads. That’s right. All the collisions that you see in football, are in rugby but without helmets and pads. Right before you lose interest, the game is over.

Dear Answers From Men,

Who has had the worst 1st half of 2011 so far?  Ryan Reynolds got divorced from Scar Jo and his blockbuster movie bombed; Scottie Pippen made waves by saying Lebron was the greatest ever, then “King James” totally stunk in the Finals; Arnold Schwarzenegger had to admit that he got his nasty looking maid prego, and his wife is going to clean him out in the divorce proceedings; or is it someone else?

Albert; Dover, Delaware

First of all, Scottie Pippen is a freaking idiot. Had he said that LeBron James is the best athlete that the NBA has ever seen, then I could agree with him. Plus, Pippen would gain some credibility because Pippen was actually a better pure athlete than Jordan. If he had said that LeBron is a better shooter at this point than Jordan was at the same point, then I would at least consider it because Jordan was never a great 3 pt. shooter, even though he regularly shot over 50% from the field. And, I’m not sure LeBron has ever done that. But for Pippen to say that LeBron James is a better player than someone that he witnessed take over basketball games on a nightly basis is ridiculous. Somebody needs to slap him. Arnold Schwarzenegger really screwed the pooch with having his illegitimate son hidden from his family and the public for ten years, and that’s not a metaphor; the woman he slept with looks like a labradoodle. But, Ryan Reynolds definitely has had the worst half of 2011. He is my front-runner for worst year in 2011. Forget that crappy movie that was based on a crappy comic book (Who in the hell reads Green Lantern anyway?). Ryan Reynolds is marginally funny at best. The whole “I’m a douchebag and I make snide comments, but I’m pretty good looking,” is cornered by Bradley Cooper already. And somehow, he managed to catch and marry one of the hottest women on the planet. He is obviously really good with the ladies, but that guy is a complete jackass for letting her get away. His year is by far the worst.

Dear Answers From Men,

In a completely hypothetical situation, what would be some reasons not to sleep with the new secretary other than she could completely sabotage my appointments and relationships with my clients?  Let’s pretend this person is 5’10 with long hair, easily a big C or small D cup, about 120 pounds, nice hips, and I could bounce a silver dollar off her butt.

Howard; Lyson, Georgia

Before we begin, Howard, we frown on objectifying women here at Your comments about this secretary are despicable. She is a person too…. a very hot person if what you say is true. I respect the fact that you know that a big C and a small D are essentially the same. But, Howard think about your money. Are the thousands of dollars that you could lose from her sabotaging your work worth a few moments of pleasure? Are big boobs more important than the cash that you could lose in a sexual harassment case? And this is assuming that you could actually sleep her. I’ll give you the “G” rated version of one of my favorite sayings. “Don’t ‘poop’ where you eat.” Your job pays your bills and it should be more important than a little copy room hi-jinks. Don’t risk your career for nothing.

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