Please Go Away Now!


Just like every other male in America, I’m going through withdrawal.  By this time of year football camps have begun, rescuing the world from the doldrums of summer baseball.  This summer is even worse because the NBA decided to implement a work stoppage concurrently (by the way, the NBA is incredibly lame for taking down every picture of any current player on their website).  In honor of the two top sports being away this July, here are 7 other things that need to go away quickly.

 

that belt belongs to Dr. Klitschko now you douche

 

David Haye- For two straight years we’ve had to endure his incessant trash talking in an English accent.  It’s impossible to sound tough if you’re from England.  No offense to anyone whatsoever, but it’s absolutely true.  Haye blabbed about destroying the robot, he wore the shirt with the decapitated Klitschko brothers’ heads, and he refused to shake Wladimir’s hand the whole time.  All that smack just to flop around the ring and not even make Dr. Klitschko break a sweat.  Worse than all of that is he made an excuse after the fight about having a toe injury that zapped all of his power.  Please go away forever David Haye.  Boxing and the entire world will be better with you gone.  And while you go, please try to find that letter “s” missing from the end of your last name.

 

you don’t deserve money for handing me a napkin

 

Bathroom guy- Apparently the proper title for this fellow is washroom attendant.  Either way, since its summertime and people are going out more, he’s becoming more of a problem.  If I’m out drinking human physiology dictates that I will have to use the facilities at a more prolific rate than usual.  I do not want to have to pay some guy repeatedly for turning on the faucet and handing me a paper towel.  Seriously, I don’t need or want your help.  I get that this dude keeps people from doing drugs and and/or pulling a Ben Roethlisberger in the stall, but please leave me alone!

 

Comic book movies- Two things I will always hate are wasting money and stupidity.  So called blockbuster movies involving superheroes wearing tights, men or women with special powers, and people with secret identities who end up saving the world are tired and lame.  The Batman series is great because Chris Nolan is a fantastic director.  The Iron Man series survives (although I won’t see the 3rd installment) because Robert Downey Jr. is an extraordinary actor.  I’m not a fortune teller, but I can guarantee that the rest of these movies will be absolute garbage.  Who wants to watch a movie with a completely predictable plot, starring a complete unknown actor, and directed by some random guy the studio chose at the last minute?  I’ll pass.  Just as I’ll pass on Transformers 3.  Director Michael Bay has several hits under his belt, but no good movies since 2001, and none without Jerry Bruckheimer as the producer.

 

Yes she’s hot, but she’s also married now little man … get over it!

 

Shia LaBeouf- I admire that this guys has come from the Disney Channel to full blown movie star, but he seems like a complete douche.  The, characters he plays in all his movies are exasperating, and it only serves to reinforce his real life annoyance.  LaBeouf has an opinion about literally everything, and he has John Mayer’s problem of kissing and telling the world about it.  Yes it’s cool to be a star and hook up with hot women, but it’s not cool to discuss how you cheated with women who were dating someone else at the time.  This guy needs to get a muzzle and go away.

 

Jennifer Aniston- Thanks to Angelina Jolie stealing her man, Jenn will be US Weekly, People, TMZ, and tabloid fodder till the end of time.  Thanks to countless downward dogs, chair poses, and a good diet Aniston is incredibly hot, but that doesn’t keep her from being annoying and highly overexposed.  She hasn’t made a good movie this millennium, but no one seems to care because she is the quintessential girl next door.  At least until recently when she apparently stole Heidi Biven’s longtime boyfriend Justin Theroux and sucked face with him in public.  Maybe this will make some people sour on “Rachel” so she can finally disappear from cyberspace and my television.

 

Medical Dramas- For complete disclosure, I never watch any of these shows (I did watch Scrubs religiously, and still think it is one of the best comedies every produced), but that doesn’t stop me from wanting them to go away.  How many different ways can they show two doctors falling in love, or a doctor having sex with a nurse in a call room, or a doctor/nurse struggling with substance abuse, or a resident sleeping with her attending, or a female doctor trying to win the credibility of her male colleagues, or a doctor using some wacko, off the wall techniques to make his/her patients better, yet his/her colleagues don’t like their unconventional methods?  These shows need to go.  I don’t know them all, but I’ve seen commercials for Grey’s Anatomy, House, Nurse Jackie, HawthoRNe, and now Combat Hospital.  And no, I did not make up the names of those last two shows.

 

Rehab is not the cure, only a wedding ring-ectomy is.

 

Sex addiction- Only in America can a diagnosis be created because people can’t accept blame.  Maybe sex addiction does exist, but that’s not what all these Hollywood people are suffering from.  They’re suffering from its way too hard to keep saying no to hundreds of ridiculously hot women who won’t stop throwing themselves at me disease.  The cure for this condition isn’t rehab in some exclusive, swanky, remote location … the cure is to not get married.  People like Derrick Jeter, George Clooney, and Leonardo DiCaprio have the vaccine to sexual addiction, no jewelry on their left ring finger.  Maybe one day David Duchovny, Tiger Woods, and Jesse James will figure this out and get inoculated.


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