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Rules of the Road

25 Oct


1. Your turn signal does not indicate that you are actually trying to change lanes or make a turn onto another street. No, that signal means that everyone who is driving in the lane that you want to enter should hit their gas pedal to insure that you can not change lanes. Save yourself some frustration, do not use your blinkers.

2. Houstonians will brake when they go over any hill, veer left or right, or when they see a police officer regardless of the speed that they are traveling. A small traffic jam will ensue from any one of these causes.

3. The street Kuykendahl is pronounced (kirk-en-dol). No one knows why.

4. No person that drives in Houston knows where they are going until they are exactly ten feet away from their turn. Expect abrupt braking and a complete stop in a non-turning lane until someone lets the driver in.

5. No rules of turning are adhered to within the city. Right turns from the left lane are proof of your driving prowess in Houston.

6. Honking your horn at the person that is in front of you at the exact moment that a traffic light changes green is not only encouraged, it is expected.

7. In Houston, the right lane is the fast lane and every other lane is the lane that drive in when you want to be stuck in traffic.


Avoid These People at All Costs

Elderly Asian women – Older Asian women drive slowly and will hit their brakes for any number of reasons including, but not limited to cars approaching them quickly from behind, cars passing them on either side, and because there is a dashboard in their car.

Mexican immigrants in trucks or SUV’s – No signals plus no insurance equals hit and run driving. When you add alcohol and the selective ability to speak English, you have an equation that Sigmund Freud would be proud of.

New York

1. Sign language is the universal dialect of the road in New York, and most of it is spoken with your middle finger. It indicates whether you are turning, braking, or displeased with another driver. You will see and use it frequently during your stay in the Big Apple.

2. Rush hour is not used for driving, but rather for getting to know your fellow New Yorkers. Be ready to use your sign language.

3. No one owns a car in New York unless they are filthy rich, or a glutton for punishment. Finding a parking spot in the city is like trying to find a penny on the floor in grocery store. When you need one, they are nowhere to be found, and you always see them when you already have one.

4. One way streets do not exist despite the markings on various signs.

5. Stopping at red lights is more of a suggestion than an actual law. Braking at a yellow light will cause an accident and expose you to more sign language.

6. If at all possible, block every intersection with your car so that pedestrians have to walk into busy streets. They enjoy this and will reward you with some of the most colorful phrases that you have ever heard. There is also a great likelihood of you learning a little more sign language.


Avoid These People at All Costs

African and Middle Eastern Cab Drivers – Native people from these countries have a different outlook on the use of deodorant and bathing.

Native New Yorkers – New Yorkers are usually pretty unfriendly, and the few that are friendly are some of the most grandiose people that you will ever meet. Everything is hyperbole in NY. This steak is the best steak ever. That movie is the worst film ever made. In actuality, both were just okay.

Los Angeles

1. No matter where you are going or what time of the day it is, you are going to sit in traffic. Get ready for it. Bring a book. Do whatever you have to do to keep your sanity.

2. The car with the most expensive rims and paint job has the right of way. Trust me on this one.

3. 405 is code for it will take at least an hour longer to get where you are trying to go.

4. For the five minutes that you are not in traffic, the speed limit is 80 mph. That is limit is actually the minimum that you should drive unless you want to cause a wreck.

5. Leave your GPS at home. There will be construction blocking every street that it tells you to turn on. The only way to find anything in LA is to go with a native. And, there are only 6 people that were actually born in the city.

6. Any traffic accident will inevitably cause another wreck on the other side of the freeway. Rubber-necking is the favorite pastime of people in Los Angeles.

7. Do not signal. You will cause an accident and possibly be shot.

8. Do not blink your lights at anyone. You could be shot.

9. Do not honk your horn. You will be shot.


Avoid These People at All Costs

People with expensive rims and paint jobs – They are either filthy rich and will sue you, or they are career criminals and will shoot you.

White women in SUV’s – Caucasian women in LA are never completely focused on the road. They do their make-up, yell at the kids, talk on their cell phone, and change outfits in their car.

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