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March 2012

12 Apr

Dear Answers From Men,

I’m a Miami Heat fan, but I’m pretty much resigned to the fact that LeBron is the dumbest major star athlete in the world.  Despite all the fuss about concussions lately he has the nerve to say that he’s too tough to have one.  Are you serious?!?!  Has this loser ever met a football player, hockey player, or boxer?  What’s wrong with him???

Stanley; Jacksonville, Florida

LeBron needs to learn when to shut up. LeBron and the athletes of the younger generation idolize guys like Michael Jordan who have turned themselves into a brand, but they haven’t necessarily learned what guys that are brands do better than everyone else. They shut up. If a topic is hot and debatable, then figure heads and anyone else from the brand does not comment on it. When he was playing basketball, the only thing that Jordan did publicly that made people question his character was occasionally gamble. He left politics, religion, and anything that could be polarizing out of his comments. LeBron needs to learn to do the same. Writers goad him into questions and he answers them t partially honestly, which is worst than the harsh truth that guys like Charles Barkley give. If LeBron wants to be the icon that it seems he idolizes, then he needs to learn to shut his mouth. Oh, and winning the big game goes miles for publicity too.


Dear Answers From Men,

Final reports from Whitney Houston’s autopsy showed she had cocaine in her system, and apparently died of drowning.  Her death to me is tragic, yet both expected and unexpected at the same time.  What are your thoughts?

Samantha; Calgary, Alberta, Canada

Samantha, I’m going to give you some of that harsh honesty that LeBron is incapable of delivering. I am not surprised that Whitney died young and no one else should be surprised either. I am sure that the black and the gay communities are starting up the hate mail right now, but everyone knows that it is true. Whitney Houston was a force and her death is tragic, but drugs derailed her career. She went from being one of the best voices in music history to becoming a movie star that cashed in on the soundtrack to just being rundown all the time. She probably did not have any one around her that would tell her how the truth about decline. And here is a public service announcement for all the people that believe in , when someone under 50 dies, it is usually a heart attack and the death is almost always drug-related.



Dear Answers From Men,

My girlfriends and I have a bet going about this … who would be the weirdest guy to date: a mortician, exterminator, male stewardess, or a virgin?  Thanks so much!

Leslie; Medford, Oregon

Strangely, morticians are actually pretty funny people, and they are naturally empathetic too. They deal with the worst of human emotion and are remarkably and pointedly optimistic about life. Exterminators probably are not the brightest crew of workers and they have to have a shorter life expectancy than most people since they deal with deadly chemicals everyday, but they are regular people with regular anecdotes and normal problems. There is a chance that a virgin has a good reason to not have had sex. There could be a moral conviction. They could have been more focused on a career. Virgins do not have to have be recluses that live in their mothers basements. But, a heterosexual male stewardess (or steward?) has to be a bit of strange guy. A guy should not be fluffing pillows and serving peanuts all day unless he is the personal manservant of wealthy oil heiress.

It’s just so unnatural…


Dear Answers From Men,

Where are the best spring break places for women?  I’m tired of going to all these places and it being nothing but a sausage fest for miles and miles?

Joseph; Ames, Iowa

Well James, that all depends on your tax bracket. The best place to meet women without too many guys are lavish island resorts in places like St. Bart’s or St. Croix. Belize has a lot of beautiful native women and women vacationing too. But, most guys in college (I assume you’re in college because you are speaking of spring break) can not afford to visit those places on a whim. What you need is a good old fashioned road trip. The beaches in Fort Lauderdale, Florida always have hot girls on Spring Break. The ratio of women to men in Atlanta was at one time 8 to 1. Or you could just go to Cancun with the rest of the college world and try not to get AIDS.

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