I’ve Never Had Any Complaints

June 14, 2012

It’s about to get real ladies.

The absolute worst phrase that a woman has ever uttered to any man is probably, “The child is yours,” but a close second is, “I’ve never had any complaints.” This phrase is always the precursor to some woman’s disappointing sex acts, and the blame is at least partially on men because they never complain. Well ladies, today is the day that we change that. Today is the day that men complain.

Let me start with the fine art of fellatio. If there is still a woman out there that does not believe in giving her guy a little extra attention down there, then she should be shot. I mean you cave women should literally be taken out into a pasture and put down like Ol’ Yeller. You are officially outdated like Atari’s and faux hawks. And on a related note for the rest of womankind, the fact that no one has ever complained about getting a little head action from you does not mean that you are actually good at it. There are quite a few misconceptions about the blow job, so let us clear them up. First and foremost, a kiss and three licks on the man pole does not constitute oral sex. Just because you showed up at the party does not mean that everybody had a good time. You have to spend some time in the crotchal region if you want the receiver of your gift to enjoy the act. Second, if you are not excited about giving some special attention to a guy’s member, then do not do it. Blow jobs are about enthusiasm. A woman with absolutely no technique who loves penises beats a woman who is disinterested on any day. Your guy will be excited if you are excited. Pant loudly or yell “I’m coo coo for Cocoa Puffs!” It doesn’t matter. But, be excited and energetic. And finally, do not grab and pull the penis like you are trying to start a lawnmower. It is the most sensitive part of a man’s body and you should treat it as such. Technique and finesse play a strong supporting role to enthusiasm in oral sex.

Now, let me complain on behalf of all men about you once we have made it to the main event, penetration. Up to a third of women still think that just allowing a man to climb on top of them and and jack hammer away at them is a good enough attempt at making him happy in the bedroom. They believe that lying perfectly still while a guy puts in work passes for sex. Those women are completely deluded. Most men would rather take a roundhouse kick to the baby maker than sleep with a dead fish more than once. Ladies, sex is all in the hips. If you learn how to move your hips, you will please your man. And more importantly, you will become the usher of your own orgasms. Yes, that phrase sounds like some contrite self help theme, but ladies, there are a lot of you who are waiting for a guy to break the code of your orgasm. If you do not know how to climax by yourself and you do not know what feels good to you sexually, then why would you expect a person with completely different equipment to know how to bring you to climax? You are responsible for your own orgasms. Guys are mindless drones who are active participants in sex, but honestly most of them do not have a clue of what they are doing in the bedroom. That means that you have to know what you are doing to truly enjoy yourself during sex.You may never read this again in a public forum, but please take it to heart. Ladies learn to masturbate. It is not a dirty word, and I am not asking you to record the session and send the tape to your local news station for the world to see. I am saying that when you get some time to yourself, and no one is around, it may be time to get to know your body. The more comfortable you are with your body, the more likely you are to be comfortable and orgasmic when another warm body is next to yours.

Ladies, men are usually satiated by getting regular sex from a woman, but the lack of formal complaints from guys does not mean that you are doing a good job in the bedroom. Most guys are too afraid to say that you are terrible in bed for fear of not having sex with you at all. But, now you have the truth and all men hope that you use it to your advantage and ultimately his.

I know what you’re thinking now, but I’m only the messenger

P.S. Hand jobs are completely pointless. Blow him, bang him, or leave him the hell alone. Why do something to a guy that he could do better by himself?