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Random Quips of Wisdom

19 Dec

smart guy
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with his extensive experience.
2. Always come in peace provided that no one fights back.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. The last thing you should want to do is hurt someone. But, that does not mean that it is off the list.

5. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

6. If I agreed with you, then we would both be wrong.

7. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

8. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

9. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

10. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11. Spoiler alert: everyone dies in the end.
12. When we say someone is out of their mind the problem is actually that they are spending too much time inside it.
13. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. Yet, at my work station…

14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

15. Some people are like Slinkies. They are not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

16. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

17. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

18. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

19. When you see a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it, you should say, “Implants?”

20. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America ?

21. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually the other woman.

22. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

23. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

24. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

25. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

26. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

27. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

28. I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
29. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.30. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

31. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

32. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

33. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

34. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

35. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Bonus* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

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