Anecdotal Wisdom for Men


chalking hands

A man tells his wife that he’s going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it’s closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he’s in this girl’s apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

“Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!” he exclaimed. “Quick give me some talcum powder!”

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she’s furious. “Where the hell have you been!”

He says, “Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her.” “Let me see your hands!” she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

“Damn liar, you were out bowling again!”

Moral to the story: If you want to stay married learn how to lie…well.

 

Mullah Mohammed Hasan Akhund, the deputy Taliban leader, and George W. Bush agree to meet in Kabul for the first round of talks in a new anti-terrorism process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the arm of Akhund’s chair. They begin talking.

After about five minutes Akhund presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Akhund laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Akhund laughs, and again George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he’s finally had enough. “I’m headin’ back home!” he calmly tells the Afghan. “We’ll finish these talks in Washington in two weeks!”

A fortnight passes and Akhund flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Akhund notices three buttons on Bush’s chair arm and prepares himself for the Texan’s retaliation. They begin talking and George presses the first button. Akhund ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers but they continue talking. A few minutes later he presses the second button. Akhund jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. They continue the talks but when the third button is pressed, Akhund jumps up again, but again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. “Forget this,” says Akhund. “I’m going back to Afghanistan!”

George W. says, through tears of laughter, “What Afghanistan?”

Moral to the story: Do not piss off someone who is bigger than you because you might catch an ass whuppin’.

 

Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge. He asks the first guy to stand:

“What is your name?” he asked.

“John,” the guy answered.

“And why were you arrested?” the judge asked.

“I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke.” he answered.

The judge didn’t see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one.

“What’s your name?” he asked.

“John,” the guy answered.

“Why were you arrested?” the Judge asked.

“I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke.” he answered.

Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, ‘This so-called adult store is begining to sound more like a smoking club!’ he thought. So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.

“What’s your name?? No wait, let me guess; John.” he said.

“No,” said the guy, “My name is Smoke.”

Moral to the story: It is not how you start a story. It is who finishes it.

 

 

In a recent survey requested by President Obama, African Americans have
proven to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.In the survey, carried out for him, by a leading toiletries firm, a huge
majority, 86% of African Americans, said that they have enjoyed sex in the
shower.The other 14% said they hadn’t been to prison yet.

Moral to the story: Republicans are racists.


A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office. She said, “Good man,” the fairy said, “I’ve been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children.”
The man told the fairy, “Well, where I come from we don’t have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.” The fairy looked at the man’s almost toothless grin and — PING !– he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
“What else?” asked the fairy, “Two more to go.” The refugee claimant now got bolder. “I need a big house with a three-car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country.. I want to bring them all over here,” and — PING ! — in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, and a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.
“One more wish,” said the fairy, waving her wand. “Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero.. And I want to have white skin like Americans”. And, — PING ! — the man was transformed wearing worn-out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt, and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
“What happened to my new teeth?” he wailed. “Where is my new house?”
The fairy said: “Tough shit, Amigo, now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself.”
Moral to the story: No seriously, Republicans are racists.


The Air Force found they had too many officers and NCOs and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Master Sergeant who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied “from the tip of my penis to my testicles.” It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider explaining about the nice cheques the previous two officers had received but the old Sarge insisted and they decided to go along with him provided the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant to “drop ‘em,” which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Sergeants penis and began to work back. “My God!” he suddenly exclaimed, “Where are your testicles?” The old Sergeant smugly replied… “Vietnam.”

Moral to the story: Sacrifice brings wisdom.

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