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What To Do If He Cheats?

30 Apr

That I dug my key into the side of his
Pretty little souped up four wheel drive
Carved my name into his leather seat
I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights
Slashed a hole in all four tires
Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats

Carrie Underwood got the situation all wrong.  Men cheat and deserve whatever comeuppance comes their way, but some things are just crossing the line.  Here’s the guide to what women should or shouldn’t do to avenge their honor after being betrayed by someone who professed to love them.


False rape claim- One would think that this never happens, but they would be incorrect.  Jilted lover calls the police and gets her now without question ex-boyfriend arrested for sexual assault.  The problems behind this are innumerable, but most importantly it demeans women who were actually raped, it completely destroys the character of the man (yes he cheated, but he shouldn’t be fired from work, ostracized for every social circle he’s involved in, and potentially listed as a sex offender), and yes, the guy could actually be found guilty and go to jail.  Don’t do this ladies, just don’t.

Smashing windows- Whether this is done to a car or a house, such behavior is generally unacceptable.  Not only does this give the impression of “crazy ex-girlfriend,” it lets the guy have a retrospective excuse for his illicit behavior.  Worst of all, if he files a police report there’s a nice misdemeanor criminal mischief charge on your record.

Slashing tires- Under no circumstances is this an acceptable option.  Post tire slashing clean up requires calling a tow truck, a trip to Discount Tires or NTB, and close to $1000 in new tire costs.  We at Answers from Men understand that there is no price for a broken heart, but this is a bit excessive just to teach someone a lesson.  If you’re dead set on doing something to the tires, just take off all the tire caps and let all the air out of the tires.  He’ll still have to get the car towed, but just to a gas station to get the tires refilled.

Burning/bleaching clothes- By no means should you ever destroy a man’s wardrobe.  Even if the guy is nothing close to metrosexual, a man’s clothes mean a lot to him.  We’re tied to our favorite t-shirts, boxers, ratty jeans, etc.  In addition, this is another circumstance were the cheater can say in hindsight that you’re “crazy,” thus deserving his infidelity.

Pour hot oil on him- I hate to even mention this, as it can give some very sadistic women ideas, but it’s not difficult to find very graphic pictures of this act with a quick Google search.  Please never, ever contemplate or engage in behavior similar to this (no hot water, oatmeal, gravy, etc).  Some things are just crossing the line.

Cut off his penis- No commentary necessary.


Do these with glee 

Make him hold a sign on a busy street- This is an awesome punishment for a cheater.  Not only does he have to stand up all day, but he faces the indignity of people seeing the face behind the heinous act.  This doesn’t happen enough, and it’s a shame.  If a man is truly sorry for his transgressions he will do this … it’s almost a litmus test of devotion.

Steal his remote control- Not only is this completely acceptable, but it’s also hilarious and produces enough annoyance to be a significant revenge.  All you have to do is grab the remote for his cable or satellite system and place it in your purse when he goes to the restroom.  For the first few days he’ll just assume he misplaced it, but imagine how aggravating it will be for him to have to walk to the TV to change channels for several days!  Eventually he’ll have to go to his cable/satellite carrier to get another remote.  The cost won’t be exorbitant, but between that cost and the added annoyance, this is a great revenge.

Keying cars- This is usually okay as long as the amount of damage isn’t too extensive.  The point of retaliation is re-establishing a sense of pride, not necessarily causing the jerk to pay several hundred dollars in paint repair fees.  I nice line through one or two panels makes him get the message.  Scratching derogatory words onto the side of the car is cool … as long as the guy doesn’t make his living as a luxury chauffer.

Get super hot- English poet George Herbert famously said “Living well is the best revenge.”  Getting in great shape just as a means of revenge is obviously a misguided goal for physical fitness, but is it any more ridiculous than trying to lose 10 pounds in a 2 weeks for a high school reunion or throwing bleach on someone’s wardrobe?  Men place far too much importance on physical appearance, so this is actually a great revenge.  Anytime he sees the “new you” he’ll be filled with regret and jealousy by all the male attention you should garner with your new hot body.  Yes this is completely shallow, but trust me he won’t care one iota if you develop a better personality or go back to school and get another degree after the two of you break up.

Sleep with his brother/buddy- This is a risky move and may be crossing the line.  For the sake of revenge would you risk getting pregnant, acquire an STD, or have sex with someone that you have no interest in?  If so, this is a great way to get even.  Obviously there are no emotions behind the coitus; the important part is teaching the cheater a lesson about trust and betrayal.  Any brother or buddy that actually engages in sexual relations with the victim of the cheating is reprehensible, but that’s not your concern.  You didn’t force your man to cheat, and you didn’t force his alleged best friend to sleep with you.

Blast him on a billboard- This isn’t done enough only because it probably costs a good amount of money.  What’s better than trashing him in front of your whole city every single day?! Not only that, if you can include a picture of him on the billboard, AND pay for it using his money there is absolutely no downside to the situation.  People use these to profess their love for someone, why not the antithesis?  Ladies don’t go down without swinging the billboard hammer.

Trash him on FB- How did we publically humiliate people prior to Facebook without spending a bunch of money?  At any rate, you can easily post an embarrassing message to his wall and to the wall of the Jezebel he cheated with.  More than likely they’ll delete the message before many people have a chance to see it.  What’s even better is that you can send a private message detailing his tryst to every single member of his friends list.  For your sake it would be great if he’s Facebook friends with his parents, boss, and maybe even pastor.  He wouldn’t get fired or excommunicated, but the lingering effects of the embarrassment would be enough to make a sufficient revenge.

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