You Might Be Black If…
… you have ever been arrested for nothing more than being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
… you have ever been arrested for assault, robbery, murder, attempted murder, drug distribution, illegal gun possession, domestic violence, or battery.
… you have ever looked at a woman’s rear end and thought, “she needs to eat a few more meals.”
… you ever taken an hour long, 30 minute lunch.
… you are rich and married to a mildly, attractive white woman.
… you have ever been in a gang.
… your parents have added unnecessary prefixes and suffixes to your name. Instead of Michael, “JerMichael or LaMichael.” Instead of Darius, “LaceDarius.” Yes, they are all real names.
… you can not secure a job regardless of higher credentials and better interviews than the other applicants.
… your children know as much slang as you know.
… you use the word “nigga” loudly and in public
… you know what fruit drink is.
… you do not know what fruit drink is, but you still drink it.
… you are poor.
… you have ever been beaten by an overzealous police force.
… you are a Democrat despite having no clue what the political ideals are.
… you fight pit bulls.
… you are on welfare.
You Might Be White If…
… you have never been arrested despite breaking several laws.
… you have been arrested and convicted of something illegal, but it never blemished your record because your parents paid to have it expunged.
… you have been arrested for public intoxication, public indecency, drug distribution, sexual assault, serial murder, tax evasion, or domestic abuse.
… you have ever worked through your lunch break.
… you have an inheritance.
… you have ever thought seriously about joining a gang.
… you have an investment portfolio.
… you have a ridiculously hot girlfriend, despite looking like a cross between the comic book guy on the Simpsons cartoon and any one of the nerds from the Revenge of the Nerds movies.
… you ever wondered where the beat was in a song.
… you have ever used the word “nigger” loudly, in private or in public.
… you have ever looked at a woman rear end and thought, “she needs to go on a diet.”
… you are a Republican and rich.
… you are a Republican, are very poor, have no idea why you vote Republican if you vote at all, but you are very patriotic.
… you badmouth minorities when with other white people, but claim to have a close minority friend. That “friend” has never been to your house.
… your parents live in an assisted living community.
… you hate welfare.
You Might Be Latin If…
… you have ever been arrested for attempted murder, actual murder, robbery, assault, attempted robbery or assault, battery, domestic violence, public intoxication, driving without identification and/or insurance, or illegal gun possession.
… you are in a gang.
… you have ever been in a gang.
… you never get within 20 lbs. of your pre-pregnancy weight.
… you suddenly forget the English language when police officers approach you or when in court.
… you can fit more than 6 people into your two-seater.
…you have 6 or more children on a $20,000 salary.
… you are Catholic, Republican, and poor.
… you hate other minorities despite being in the same condition economically, socially, and culturally.
… there are four different generations of your family living in one house.
… you live in the city and there is a goat, a few chickens, and/or a few ducks roaming around in your fenced yard.
… you have no credit.
… you or an immediate family member has crossed a U.S. border illegally.
… you or your immediate family members have a green card.
… you are on welfare, despite not being a legal U.S. resident.
You Might Be Asian If…
… you actually listen to and respect your grandparents.
… people assume that you are good at math, regardless of your level of education.
… the only car that you have owned is a Nissan, Toyota, Mitsubishi, or a Hyundai.
… you have changed every light bulb and cover on your car from yellow or red to blinding white, added a racing kit, and a spoiler.
… you have ever owned a small over-priced convenience store in a low-income minority area, where you are in an even smaller minority.
… the U.S. government let you borrow the money to start your business.
… if you or any one in your family has ever worked in a nail shop.
… you think Americans are stupid.
… you think you are better than everyone else.
… people assume that you are Bruce Lee or a ninja within seconds of meeting you.