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Why Even Have A Bachelor Party?

15 Aug

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Despite higher divorce rates and more liberal views of sex and sexuality people are continuing to get married. Marriage is an institution that should be celebrated, but so is the loss of bachelorhood. Bachelor parties are a time honored tradition for men who chose the married life, but more and more men (usually at the request of their future wife) are beginning to substitute their bachelor parties for coed activities or to forgo their bachelor party altogether. Maybe the hypersexualized world that we live in has caused some insecurity in the future wives of this great nation. Maybe feminism has finally made some great strides against the objectification and the consequent exploitation of women in America. Or maybe red-blooded American men are just becoming wussies with a “p” in place of the “w”.

The bachelor party is a rite of passage for a man who has eschewed all the vaginas in the world for one lone bride. It is a celebration of a man’s promise to his future wife, a memorium of his sexual exploits, and one last night of debauchery wrapped in a jiggling procession of boobs and alcohol. Bachelor parties are an allowance that men engage in to commemorate being single. The only women that should participate should be topless and moral-less (ahem, immoral). Coed bachelor parties are a poor excuse for women to keep tabs on their man before the big day, and no single man should be forced to participate in these travesties. In fact, the groomsmen should boycott any coed activities that do not require condoms and remorse just to ensure the integrity of the bachelor party. If your future spouse cannot be trusted in a room of strippers when he has consumed copious amounts of alcohol, then he is not worth marrying.

But, all the blame for piss poor bachelor parties should not be placed squarely on the bride because the groom also has a large part to play in the death of bachelor parties. Men, you are a bound by honor to give your groomsmen one last blowout before you get hitched. Grooms who tell their best man not to hire strippers for this occasion should be subjected to a good old fashioned stoning. Why even have a bachelor party if there are no exotic dancers? If you bend your will or desires at your bachelor party, you will have set a precedent for the relationship. Men, believe it or not, before you get married, you hold all the power in the relationship. You can ignore your future wife’s request for no nudity and still live happily ever after. Remember, you can always blame the strippers on your best man. And for all the douchebags who readily exclaim that they do not want a bachelor party to their girlfriends, you are being a selfish prick. Your bachelor party is as much a gift to your friends as it is a present for you. The men that shaped your bachelorhood wait patiently for occasions like these. Your married friend with the newborn has been suffering quietly and alone for four months. He has not seen a breast without an infant attached to it since the third trimester and he collected singles for two months just for your big night. You are failing him. This maybe the only chance that your awkward, depressed buddy who lives with his mother will get to leave his basement this year. He is terribly frightened of real live women and this may be his only chance to interact with a real live woman. Granted, this woman will spin elaborate lies to make him believe that she actually wants to have sex with him in an attempt to bankrupt him in one night, but your bachelor party stands as the only time that he will get a glimpse of a butt that is not displayed on a computer screen. By cancelling your bachelor party, you are making your friend a recluse. You have the opportunity to shape his life through the power of stripper poles and lap dances, but you are willing to squander it away just to appease your woman for one night.

You have a duty as a man to throw the most extravagant, morally reprehensible bachelor party that the world has ever seen when one of your friends gets married. At the very least, you have an obligation to mourn the demise of your bachelorhood . It is both your right and your privilege. Bachelor parties have nothing to do with wives and their desires. In fact, they are almost exactly about ignoring any wish that a man’s bride-to-be might have. Bachelor parties are not about complying with the feminists sentiment. They are about men burping, spitting, and objectifying women for the last time as unattached compatriots. Bachelor parties are not about pacifying the unfounded insecurities of a bride. They are about men behaving badly. Bachelor parties are one of the last examples of men being able to band together in a cave of gyrating lady parts to commemorate the ‘good ole days’, and they should be revered as such.

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