September 17, 2014
Woman Rapes Man While Sleeping
An unidentified 31 year old man from Seattle laid down after a long day in the safety of his own home on June 17th last year. It is unclear if he had attended a birthday party earlier where alcohol was involved or simply had a long day at work, but apparently he slept fairly soundly that night before he got a rude awakening. The alleged victim woke up at 2 a.m. to find the 5’7″ Chantae Gilman pinning his hands above his head and engaging in sex with him without his consent. There is nothing funny about rape (at least there is nothing funny about any rape committed by a man) in most cases, however this situation is wildly different from most other ones. First, this is exactly what most men dream of sexually, and that is no exaggeration. According to several different publications, including but not limited to, Psychology Today, rape fantasies rank among the top ten sexual desires in both men and women. And second, this is the woman that is alleged to have raped a guy.
No More Rubbers
The Parsemus Foundation figured out how to give men something that they have wanted for all of eternity, a way for men to have sex with women without having babies. No more worrying about condoms or wondering if a woman is on the pill. The Parsemus Foundation has created Vasalgel, a new contraceptive injection that blocks the tubes that supply sperm, nature’s microscopic baby makers. This completely changes the landscape of contraception. Men were once at the mercy of the muted sexual stimulation of condoms or at the mercy of a woman’s predilection towards taking birth control. Men can finally sleep around without worrying about fathering illegitimate children. Unfortunately, the shot has to be taken above the testicles which I’m sure is real a boner killer.
Zheng Gang, a 23 year old trainee doctor, suffered a heart attack while ahem,”visiting” a sperm bank in 2011. After two hours, worried workers finally checked his private booth, worried about his delay. They found him unconscious and unresponsive during this, his fourth visit to the sperm bank in just over a week. I’m not sure if we should be sorrowful for the lost of such a young life or impressed with any man that could “beat it” to death, but either way impressed at his dedication to masturbation.
Surprise! Men Can’t Be Raped
According to an article by GQ (Gentlemen’s Quarterly) magazine, the same military that has denied the problem of rape against female soldiers is also blind to a separate, but related problem of rape against male soldiers.
Sexual assault is alarmingly common in the U.S. military, and more than half of the victims are men. According to the Pentagon, thirty-eight military men are sexually assaulted every single day.These are the stories you never hear – because the culprits almost always go free, the survivors rarely speak, and no one in the military or Congress has done enough to stop it.
What’s worse is that the military has taken a decided stand against the victims that were created by their negligence. Men suffer symptoms that are congruent with post traumatic stress disorder from being assaulted in service to their country. These men become suicidal and unstable, and then are released from service when they complain. They are diagnosed with schizophrenia or some other mental issue and discharged without medical benefits. Butt rape is definitely something that I did not sign up for sir.