by Rodimus Dunn
A new epidemic is sweeping across America. The petulant white athlete. This disease has reached full endemic status with all of the great Brett Favre’s recent sexting shenanigans. We’ve long tolerated/ignored/overblown the peevish, self-serving attitude and behavior of countless black athletes (see Terrell Owens, Chad Ochocinco, Floyd Mayweather, Rasheed Wallace, Barry Bonds, Randy Moss, Allen Iverson, etc) as just part of their behavior. White athletes are supposed to be coaches on the field, heady, selfless, team first, and an extension of the coach. All of that has now changed with this new generation me-first white athletes. For every John Stockton, we now have a Jay Cutler. The 70’s and early 90’s produced the first generation of this group:
John McEnroe- His behavior needs no explanation.
John Elway- The professional career of John Elway started with him telling the Baltimore Colts, who had the first pick in the 1983 draft, that he wouldn’t play for them. His reason was he thought the team wouldn’t allow him to be successful. Elway was a freakish athlete, and threatened that if the Colts drafted him he would go play baseball. He was quickly traded to the Denver Broncos, and the rest is history.
Eric Lindros- He did basically the same thing John Elway did, but with the Quebec Nordiques for the 1991 NHL draft. Lindros didn’t want to go to Quebec because he believed it was far away, they probably couldn’t market him well, and because he’d have to speak French. He was eventually traded away to the Philadelphia Flyers, and Quebec got so many assets in the trade they became a league powerhouse for over a decade.
Now on to our current petulant roster:
Jay Cutler- He’s basically the second coming of Jeff George…but worse. He’s got the cannon arm, horrible attitude, bad leadership skills, self-satisfying smirk, and terrible career win/loss record. Cutler’s got the body language of an adolescent who discovers that their dog has run away. He throws interceptions and he puts his head down. His receiver drops a pass and he puts his head down. The team scores a touchdown and he puts his head down. Not only does he look like he’s at a funeral, he says asinine stuff also. For example, Cutler had the nerve to say this about team legend Elway while he was playing for the Denver Broncos, “”I have a stronger arm than John Elway, hands down. I’ll bet on it against anybody’s in the league. Brett Favre‘s got a cannon. But on game days, there’s nobody in the league who’s going to throw it harder than I am at all.” Recently after throwing 4 interceptions to the same player (DeAngelo Hall), Cutler had this to say, “There’s no reason to shy away from him. I mean, that’s hard for me to say, throwing four picks at a guy, but I’d still, if we had to play them tomorrow, I’d go at him every time, if we could.” People used to blame it on his diabetes…trust me, it’s not the diabetes. He’s the unquestionable captain of the petulant white athlete team.
Brett Lorenzo Favre- Everyone knows his story, but to summarize: he’s a drama queen and an attention whore. He wants people to think he’s just a down home country boy, but he’s actually a calculated, self-absorbed, egomaniac. He has no idea how to say I’m sorry, even though he’s been the culprit behind many people’s wounds. I won’t elaborate on his past prescription drug abuse because we all have our weaknesses, but the sexting is ridiculous. Favre, Tiger Woods, and every famous person need to learn how to cheat properly. Don’t call or text from your own cell phone, use a prepaid phone, leave the phone in your car or at the office, don’t leave messages on voicemails, and don’t sleep with someone who has more to lose than you do.
Philip Rivers- Amazingly, Jay Cutler and Rivers are enemies. Big shocker. Rivers likes to yell at opponents, referees, and worst of all his own receivers and offensive lineman. If you ever watch a San Diego game, you’ll see Rivers yelling at a receiver for running a route wrong or dropping a pass. You won’t see him yelling at himself for throwing behind someone, or getting them killed by a closing safety. His defenders say he’s just a fiery guy who really want to win. I never recall Joe Montana or Tom Brady yelling at any of their teammates, and they have a few more rings than Rivers’ zero. One day his line is going to part like the Red Sea and let him get creamed like Willie Beamen from Any Given Sunday.
probably yelling at one of his offensive lineman
Eli Manning- If there were no Peyton Manning people probably wouldn’t give Eli a pass for being overrated, petulant, and always looking disinterested or bewildered. He did exactly the same thing John Elway did, and forced San Diego to trade him to New York on draft day. Furthermore, he openly sulks after every incomplete pass, and he makes the “Manning face after every interception. Only Jay Cutler has worse body language.
Matt Leinart- He was handed the keys to the Ferrari, but decided to insist on a bus token. Leinart screwed the pooch in the preseason, lost his starting job, then decided to take his ball and go home. He had this weird sense of entitlement just because he was a star in college. Leinart assumed that after Kurt Warner retired, he would get the starting job…he forgot that jobs have to be earned. After showing terrible body language during a preseason game, not agreeing to be a backup, and essentially calling out his coach, the former Trojan was released. I’d be remiss if I didn’t include this quote to exemplify his petulance: “I feel like I’ve outplayed the competition, training camp, preseason,” Leinart said. “I think my play speaks about that. For me, this goes beyond the football field. “The philosophy is you want the best 11 guys to play. I feel like I’ve proved that with my performance. I don’t really know what else I could possibly do, so it probably goes beyond football. For me, I just really want an explanation and I haven’t been given one.”
Ben Roethlisberger- He rounds out the petulant white quarterback clique. It’s well documented that Roethlisberger’s ego had become larger in life to match his fame. He was warned by former coach Bill Cower about the dangers of riding motorcycles, and sure enough, in 2006 he was riding without a helmet (and a valid motorcycle license) and was involved in a violent crash. Of course he later lied about the frequency of his motorcycle riding and about having an invalid license. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the two sexual assault allegations levied against him. Of course no one knows what really happened in those situations, but the 2nd situation seemed extra creepy. When did white athletes ever get accused of this kind of stuff?
I smoke, I drink, I’m supposed to stop but I can’t
Brian Urlacher- In 2004 the Bears start linebacker reportedly got two different women pregnant. Not abnormal for the average black athlete, but not usual for the white ones. Moreover, in 2006 he had two children within seven weeks of each other (one with the woman he was dating, and one with a woman he was cheating with). The out of wedlock child was a boy that Urlacher was allegedly dressing in pink girls diapers and painting his toenails to confuse the kid’s identity. He declared paternity, and got his child support to be only $2000 per month. Many were disenchanted about that amount because in Illinois the usual value is roughly 20% of the father’s salary. At the time Urlacher was in the middle of a nine year $56.7 million contract.
Bret Myers- No one likes guys who beat up women. In 2006 Myers was seen by several witnesses punching his wife in the face and dragging her by the hair while walking down the street in Boston. The police report lists Myers as 6’4” and his wife at 5’4” and 120 pounds. Prosecutors really wanted go forward with the trial, but Myers’ wife didn’t want to prosecute, so the case was dropped. 2007 also wasn’t a very good year for Myers as he got into an embarrassing verbal altercation with a reporter. He called the reporter “retarded,” cursed at him for asking legitimate questions, and had to be physically restrained.
Tim Tebow- Just kidding