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10 People to Eliminate in 2015

12 Jan

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1. The Braless Wonder Who Claims No One Takes Her Seriously

Sexual harassment is real. And, for the ladies who work diligently to succeed in their vocations solely on merit, you should be commended. Men earn more money than women, often with less credentials. These women have the right to complain about unfairness and harassment. However, the women who constantly have their cleavage spilling out and tight skirts showing every inch of their figure while simultaneously asking why no one takes them seriously should all be rounded up for a forced mass suicide during the New Year Countdown.

2. The Nothing Is Right Guy

He is upset if you do things your way. He is upset if you do things his way. Nothing is ever completely right with this guy. This man is not happy until you are miserable. The complaints never stop and the source of these perceived problems are extensive.

3. The Awkward Conversation Guy

Him: “Your sister has great bangs.”, he says while staring unblinkingly into your eyes.

Me: “Ummmm….thank you?”, I mutter, as I wonder if he wants to wear her skin as a suit.

The facts: You never told him that you have a sister. When you ask him about how he knows your sister, he says that he has never met her. And, now you are considering getting a gun and a restraining order.

4. Mrs. Full Disclosure

You know entirely too much about her personal life because she tells you entirely too much information about herself from the moment that she sees you until that magical moment when you part company. She has no filter and no concept of maintaining some significant level of mystery in social situations. She will tell you about her ex-husband’s affair with her ugly sister and the cysts on her ovaries in a crowded elavator. She will tell you gruesome details of her last bout with anal ring worms while you are trying to eat lunch at your desk. This woman dumps her personal problems on you without warning or provocation. Dump her before she destroys 2015 for you.

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5. The Ex.

She does that crazy thing with her tongue in that place that no one else will touch. She is up for anything, anytime, anywhere. And, she is absolutely nuts. You knew she was crazy before you slept with her, but this woman is gorgeous with the type of body that women pay to get and men pay to have. You could not resist the slim waist, sexy hips, and double D’s, so you let the head that is located below your shoulders think for the one above them. So far, she has slashed your tires, regularly curses your mom out, and has managed to alienate every one of your friends. But, she does the most insane things in the bedroom that you could imagine and she is one drunken text away. Nothing is off-limits with her except a sane conversation that does not end in an all-out brawl and then knee-buckling sex. Get off the roller coaster.

6. The Hot Chick Who Is NOT Interested

Wait, let’s give that one more year…..

7. The Guy Who Really Needs Friends

He just got out of a long relationship, he’s new in town, and he does not know anyone IN THE CITY. You represent his last hope for friendship in the year, and he will harass you until you hope for death by dull spoon stabbing. He is like having a clingy girlfriend, but without the self-loathing fueled dirty sex. This guy is needy. And, if you cherish your sanity, you should make yourself less available to him.

8. The OCD Friend Who Makes You Feel Crazy

Some people have anxiety that is so high that it actually makes you feel anxious. These people need their magazines alphabetized and cross-sectioned chronologically in order to get to sleep at night. They clean incessantly despite having a spotless abode and you somehow respond sheepishly when they confront you about some benign behavior. You inexplicably try to live up to their insane standards of everything, but fail miserably and then hate yourself for your own inferiority. And, instead of confronting them on their craziness, you try to pacify their demands. Do not let someone else’s crazy become your own. Leave them in 2014.

9. The Alpha Male

Everything is a competition with this guy. He is not happy unless his life is better than yours. If you get in fifty push-ups in a workout, then he does one hundred, twenty of them with one hand. If you leased a vehicle for the year, then he buys a luxury car. When you had a one night stand on a company trip to Wisconsin, he said that he had an orgy in Vegas with five strippers. His esteem is deeply tied into beating you in life, even if his “life” is completely fictional.

male feminist

10. The Male Feminist

This man harbors so much self-hatred and/or is so disconnected with his manhood that he takes on the plight of women everywhere to his own detriment. He believes that men cause all the problems in the world, and actually thinks that being a man is a personal affront to all women in the world. Feminism is not a war against men, but these uninformed, sensitive guys believe that all men hate women inherently.

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