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Best Jobs Ever

6 Jan


1. Sports writer – You do not have to be athletically inclined. You do not have to be a gifted, articulate writer. Neither is necessary for you to do your job well. Your best assets as a sports writer are your observational skills and your fanatical love for sports. Someone pays you to go to games that you would attend at your your own expense and tell the other fans that could not afford tickets what happened. When you can not attend the games, you get to sit in the comfort of your home and watch games all day. Being a sports writer is like playing “show and tell” as an adult.

2. Assistant coach/Offensive coordinator – You get praise and pay that is comparable to that of the head coach without any of the responsibility or blame. When loses pile up on a football team someone has to take the blame. Professional football players will not be blamed for losses because it is the coaches’ job to draft, prepare, and motivate them. The coaches help pick the talent, devise the game plan, and give pep talks to ready their team for action. Though the offensive coordinator has to break down defenses and spot their weaknesses, the fanbase rarely if ever complains about the offensive coordinator unless the team languishes to score. In general, the defensive coordinator goes first when wins are scarce followed by the head coach. The offensive coordinator is often moved into an interim head coaching position when the head coach is fired.

3. Adult magazine photographer – Your days are filled with travel to exotic destinations with gorgeous women, telling them how incredibly beautiful they are, and photographing them in the nude. Your nights are filled with bedding the same women that you photographed earlier that day.

4. Professional baseball player – Baseball players do not have to have the speed and athleticism of football players. They do not have to worry about their weight in the same manner that a basketball player does. All a baseball player has to do is be able to hit home runs or throw a baseball 95 mph. If they can do either, then they will be paid well, and their money is guaranteed even if they get injured. By the way, professional athletes do not do poorly with the ladies.

Hint: The guys with the sunglasses on inside are not princes.

5. Prince – We are talking about the one that lives in a castle, not the artist formerly known as “the artist formerly known as Prince”. Technically, this is not a job that you can apply for, but since a prince could possibly be responsible for the welfare of an entire kingdom it applies to the term. There are always multiple princes, and kings and queens get the best healthcare, so the chances that a prince would actually run their country is very slim. In addition to that, you would get the title and all the attached amenities that come with being royalty. It is not a bad gig.

6. Ice cream taster – There are really people that are paid to taste ice cream flavors. Ice cream is this world’s proof that God and the heavens do exist. A bowl of it is a little piece of heaven right here on Earth. Ice cream tasters get to try new flavors and test the old standards to make sure that they reach the same level of quality every time.

7. Professional actor – Sorry ladies, but the men make more money per movie. The best actors like Will Smith and Leonardo DiCaprio command at least $20 million guaranteed plus royalties if the movie is a big hit. They are pretending to be someone else and being paid millions of dollars for it. Essentially, actors are millionaires for playing “make-believe.”

8. Electrician – Electricians are painfully expensive to hire. They happen to know a trade that 90+% of the world does not know. For an electrician to make an appearance it costs between $150-$300. Actual repairs to wiring in the house start around $1,200 and can reach $5,000-$8,000. The best part? You do not even need a high school diploma to do become an electrician.

9. Weather forecaster – In the history of man, there has only been one job where the security of that position did not depend on the person’s ability to do the job properly. That job is a weatherman. In fact, they do not have to give finite answers to any questions. Can you imagine your boss saying, “Johnson, I need those papers on my desk by 4 p.m. today.” To which you reply, “There’s a 30% percent chance of that happening today sir.” First, it would be strange that he called you Johnson, since that’s probably not your name. And secondly, if the papers did not make their way to his desk on time, you could be fired. Weather forecasters do not have to be right, they just have to personable.

10. Pimp -Yes, there is the off chance that you will get arrested, and you may have to slap one of your bitches or a trick occasionally, but if you can get past the morality issues, the profit is insane. Even low budget pimps make a lot of money. The average lady of the night makes about $50 per gentleman caller servicing 2-3 every hour. These women work 10-12 hour days without weekends and holidays off. The average prostitute could easily bring in $1,000-$1,500 per day. With just three women in your stable, that is upwards of $31,500 in a week.

11. NASCAR driver – NASCAR drivers are not athletes. They do not run or jump; they are only driving a freaking car! A professional NASCAR driver is somewhere between a frazzled chauffeur that can only turn left and a get-away driver. However, they do get paid millions of dollars to drive in circles, so they have my respect. The average person would just get arrested for public endangerment and possibly a DUI. Plus, NASCAR drivers get the hottest women that the trailer park has to offer without possessing any recognizable talent other than being able to pee their pants without anyone making fun of them.

Here are a few of the drivers and their wives.

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