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Bad Sex = No Sex

15 May

By William Bixby

Moves That Insure That You Will Be Alone for the Rest of Your Life

This is how excited you should be about foreplay.

Skipping Foreplay

Foreplay is a dirty word to some men, and not dirty in a “Hey, you nasty girl,” way, but more of like a “Your netherlands smell like fish tacos and I do not want to touch them,” way. Now, it would be great if all women wanted to play hide the banana after only three kisses and a heartfelt butt grab, but most women need a little more seduction. Regularly skipping foreplay is like asking the mailman to father your next child. The occasional quickie is awesome. Sex without seduction is boring, and the most important step in foreplay is warming her up with a little cunnilingus.

Playing Connect the Dots

Speaking of boring sex, please do not play connect the dots in the bedroom. There should not be a predetermined path from your lover’s neck to her breasts to her vagina. If your girlfriend knows exactly what your next sex move is before you get to it, then none of your moves are any good. Keep her guessing until she is hot and heavy and then give her what she wants. Sex is as important to a couple’s relationship as communication. And, good sex can cover up a lot of your flaws. Believe it, you have a lot of flaws that need to be covered.

Being a Porn Star

Okay, you definitely want to be the fun guy in the bedroom. Variety is the spice of life. But there is nothing wrong with occasionally sliding into the missionary position. Your sex moves should not only include doggy style, the reverse pile driver, the side winder, the alligator wiggle, and all the obscure sex acts that you have seen in adult movies. Your partner does not want her feet pulled backwards to her ears every time that the two of you have sex. She probably does not want to be slapped or choked while making love to you either. Tone it back a little in the bedroom occasionally and try to connect with her emotionally instead of just connecting with her butthole.

Too Much Dirty Talk

Calling your partner for sexy time a naughty girl can be sexy if you say it at the appropriate time and give her a firm smack on the derriere. Calling her a filthy prostitute and asking her to blow you for fifteen dollars makes you a lonely pervert.

Saying the Wrong Name

I know that all the ladies call you “Catnip” because you attract all the felines. It has to be hard to keep up with all the names of the women that want to sleep with you. However, this is kind of important. Always remember the name of the woman that you are entering, because women tend to get upset about being called another woman’s name in the middle of sex. If you have far too many names to remember, then simply use a pet name, like baby, sexy, or whore.

Please Hammer Don’t Hurt Em’

There are exactly two reasons why you should hang on to your partners hips and hammer away at your her. 1. She is a blow up doll. Or 2. She is a porn star who is regularly filled with objects the size of footballs, so she can not actually feel your tiny penis. If you are dating any other women, then you should consider using a little finesse to mix things up. Jack hammering a woman leads to fun things like urinary tract infections and sore vaginas. You probably have some delusions about a woman who stumbles out of her bedroom with a smile on her face after being ridden into the headboard by your thrusting pelvis, but that woman does not exist. No woman enjoys having her pubes battered.

Breaking and Entering

Never enter the backdoor without permission, lubrication, and stimulation. Never. Seriously. Never. Nothing good can come of it.

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