By William Bixby
A. White Sheets – White sheets on a bed actually represent two separate types of individuals. Plain white sheets are always simple, clean and minimalistic, but the type of people that own them are very different. And, the difference between the people often lies in the thread count. A person with white sheets that have a thread count under 500 is pragmatic, frugal and possibly socially unaware. Low quality white sheets screams boring and unimaginative. You are all business all the time if you have cheap white sheets. A person with all white sheets that have a high thread count, however, is a person who values spirituality and the importance that visual cues and tactile response plays in everyday life. You see the simplicity of life and recognize how environment affects mindset. Using plain white sheets on your bed is your conscious attempt to streamline your environment into a comfortable living space.
B. Red Sheets – Red is the color of passion, and the person that has red sheets is probably a very intense person. However, people who own red sheets also probably have an overstated sense of self and very little self-awareness. These red sheets will probably be made of silk or satin, and the person who owns them may be a little promiscuous and insecure. Red sheets are generally used for seduction, but can come off as cheesy and overt. The only exception to this rule is when the red sheets are used for special occasions like will Christmas and Valentine’s Day.
C. Blue Sheets – Blue sheets represent a languid state of mind. Blue is a symbol of water, and of peace and tranquility. Any person who has blue sheets on their bed probably has a more calm demeanor than the average person.
D. Earth Tones – People who dress their beds in brown, beige, gray or any other neutral are grounded and practical people. Your choice in colors depicts your simplistic lifestyle.
Tattered, filthy sheets show the women that you have beguiled into coming to your home that you are an uncouth heathen. If you can not change your sheets for members of the opposite sex, then there is no hope for your sex life. People invented washing machines to insure that health codes and general safety concerning disease control are followed. And, before washing machines were invented people still washed their clothes and sheets in the river to at least combat body odor. Drool stains, sweat stains, and any other stains of DNA will scare any potential “dates.” You will be alone for the rest of your life if you do not clean your sheets occasionally.
Striped Sheets or Other Patterns
A. Patterned Sheets that Match the Decor
If a man has sheets that match the decorations in his house, then it says that he is both detail-oriented and is probably living comfortably. Matching bedding implies that appearances are important to the person who owns them. And, in order to buy nice sheets that pick up color schemes and other key elements of your home, you have to have a have the financial resources to do so. Either that, or he lives with a woman.
B. Random Patterned Sheets
This guy bought the sheets that looked the best in the store, but were also the cheapest. This man is completely practical. He only buys things when it is completely necessary to buy them.
Are you a lumberjack? Do you live in the frozen tundra? These are the only reasons to have flannel or wool sheets on your bed. Putting flannel sheets on your bed is admitting that you never want to have sex with a woman again. The good news is that there are quite a few burly men who would gladly share a bed covered in the awful plaid with you.
You are either a porn star or a pedophile.
Sports Team or TV/Movie Franchise
What are you, 10 years old? There is no reason for a grown man to own a set of Star Wars sheets. And honestly, there is no woman alive who will willingly sleep with a man on those sheets. Check that. There is no attractive woman alive who will willingly sleep with a man on those sheets. So, change your sheets or invest in lots of lotion and online porn.