The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
- George Carlin
Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.
Christmas is time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
- Phyllis Diller
Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.
- Gary Allan
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
- Johnny Carson
Santa Claus has the right idea – visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
- Jay Leno
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up. They have no holidays.
- Henny Youngman
There’s something about a Christmas sweater that will always make me laugh.
- Kristen Wiig
Always be prepared if someone asks you what you want for Christmas. Give brand names, the store that sells the merchandise, and, if possible, exact model numbers so they can’t go wrong. Be the type who’s impossible to buy for, so they have to get what you want.
- John Waters
Christmas is the time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell government what they want and their kids pay for it.
- Richard Lamm
I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it.
- Craig Ferguson
I know what I really want for Christmas. I want my childhood back.
Nobody is going to give me that. I might give at least the memory of it to myself if I try. I know it doesn’t make sense, but since when is Christmas about sense, anyway? It is about a child, of long ago and far away, and it is about the child of now. In you and me. Waiting behind the door of or hearts for something wonderful to happen. A child who is impractical, unrealistic, simpleminded and terribly vulnerable to joy.
- Robert Fulghum
Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.
- Andy Borowitz
There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.
- Bob Phillips
Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.
- Andy Borowitz
- Melanie White
Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even when you’re home.
- Carol Nelson
Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.
- Kin Hubbard
Merry Christmas, nearly everybody!
- Ogden Nash
Why is Christmas just like a day at work? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.