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Forced Procreation: USA Breeding Winners

25 Jan

Many foreign countries are guilty of forcing people to get married.  This isn’t the same as arranged marriages, where the two individuals agree to let their parents or other elders in their circle agree to find them a marriage partner.  The United Nations labels forced marriage as human rights abuse, which I guess it is if someone is forced to marry another person completely against their will.  The whole situation seems very unfortunate, but I am for the practice of forced procreation.  There are several couples whose offspring would benefit all of humanity if some governing body forced them to reproduce.


Anthony Davis and Brittney Griner

Davis was the consensus #1 pick in the 2012 NBA draft.  He’s 6-10 and has a ridiculous 7-4 wingspan.  Basically that means his arms are longer than most people’s entire bodies.  Not only does Davis have legitimate size and length, he has a great motor, passion, a silky jump shot, and he owns the paint on defense (he easily eclipsed Shaquille O’Neal’s SEC freshman blocks record).


Brittney Griner stands 6-8, and her wingspan is only 2 inches less than Davis’ (7-2).  She’s far and away the best women’s college basketball player, and will probably be the best in the WNBA as soon as she gets there.  A Davis-Griner reproductive combination would produce a surefire basketball specimen.  Not only would the child hover around 7-feet tall, he/she would have arms as long as helicopter blades, and the pedigree of the child of professional basketball parents.  The NCAA needs to make this breeding happen ASAP.


Stephen Hawking and Marilyn vos Savant

Hawking is widely considered one of the most intelligent human beings alive.  His work in theoretical physics, specifically black holes, has been an undeniable boon to the scientific community.  Despite his physical limitations, Hawking continues to do research, write scientific papers, and travel to several venues to make speeches.


Vos Savant writes a weekly column for Parade magazine, but most importantly she holds the Guinness Record for Highest IQ.  Guinness stopped publishing this record in 1990, but Vos Savant had held the distinction from 1986.  She has been given several IQ tests, and her score ranges anywhere from 186-228 … either way that’s pretty damn smart.  Vos Savant is married to Dr. Robert Jarvik, the inventor of the Jarvik-7 artificial heart, but there’s no way Jarvik is as brilliant as Hawking.  Although she is 65 and Hawking is 70, I’m sure both of them are smart enough to figure out a way to birth the world’s next Einstein.


Eric Clapton and Stevie Nicks

Clapton is one of the most influential guitarists of all time and the only three time member of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  One would be hard pressed to find a better living guitarist than the iconic Clapton.  He’s had commercial success in a group and playing solo since about 1963, and he has 17 Grammy awards in his possession.


Stevie Nicks has been banging out hits solo or with Fleetwood Mac for over 40 years.  Specifically she has a Grammy award, over 40 top 50 hits, over 140 album sales, and a member of the 8th highest selling album of all time.  Nicks’ ethereal voice and style is clearly distinct, but she can also play the piano and the tambourines.  If somehow the 66 year old Clapton and 63 year old Nicks can have a child, musical artistry is a foregone conclusion.  How many Grammy awards and platinum albums could this gifted child attain?


Lionel Messi and Hope Solo

Soccer is easily the world’s most popular sport.  In fact, it’s so popular it easily transcends sports.  That’s why the offspring of two soccer stalwarts is of worldwide importance.  Despite being only 24 years old and 5’6”, Messi is considered one of the greatest soccer players of all time.  He’s one of only 3 men to ever win the FIFA World Player of the Year three times, he’s the only player in UEFA Champions League history to score 5 goals in one game, and for his career he’s scored a ridiculous 254 goals in only 384 games.


Solo is the 30 year old starting goalkeeper for the US women’s national soccer team.  She won a gold medal in the 2008 summer Olympics (shutting out Brazil in the finals), and thanks to her play, the US Women finished 2nd in the 2011 World Cup.  Solo was so impressive she won Golden Glove for best goalkeeper, and the Bronze Ball for her overall performance.  Solo is hot and 5’9,” so combining her DNA with Messi’s will produce an amazingly talented and not undersized footballer.  FIFA needs to force their union sometime soon … like yesterday.


Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie

Thankfully this has already happened.  Pitt has long been considered one of the world’s most attractive men, and he is a highly acclaimed actor.  Jolie is clearly amazingly sexy, and has been the highest paid female actress two of the last three years.  Brangelina has three natural children together, so the world will be blessed with 3 incredibly hot, well skilled actors once they grow up.


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