7 Reasons She Will Not Give You A Blowjob


The world is just a sadder place without oral sex. People, in general, can be much more difficult and much more irritable if they are not being laid regularly, and some people simply do not function as well without it. Sex clears the mind, it gets the blood flowing, and it offers both physical and emotional release to those who engage in it. But, sometimes, as a busy professional man, you do not have the time or energy for an all-night back-breaking session of mind-altering coitus. A good blowjob is the perfect substitute. But, your lady friend may be a little hesitant to oblige your request. Here are the top reasons that she may turn you down for a little special attention down there.

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1. Lack of Manscaping

Some guys will tell you that they would never shave any hair from their bodies, and question your manhood aggressively and publicly if you ever mentioned grooming yourself out loud. Those guys are not getting regular blowjobs, so ignore them. Women do not like stray hairs from your ”crotchal” regions stuck in their teeth. That bush that surrounds your package like an afro swallowing a hot dog needs to be hacked back before you ask a woman to spend some face time in your lap. Take a razor, a machete, or a weed whacker to your man-bits and get your pubes under control if you want to give your lady a zipper dinner.

2. You Are Disgusting

You have all the subtlety of a sledgehammer when you are asking for a blowjob, and she is less than impressed with your colloquialisms for “rooster” blowing. You push the back of her head towards your groin when she is laying on your chest, you make sure that the front of your pants are positioned at eye level whenever she bends down, and you force fingers into her mouth at random times. Believe me, she understands you. She is simply ignoring your feeble attempts at getting blowjob. The only way to ask for a blowie is to actually ask for one.

3. No Really, You Actually Are Disgusting

Bad hygiene kills any chance of a woman putting her mouth on you where the sun does not shine. If you are physically disgusting in addition to being crass and tactless, then women will avoid your privates like the plague. The area between your butthole and your peehole smells like rotting garlic cloves vomited into ripe, used gym socks. And for some ungodly reason, you only feel the need to shower every other day. If you want your lady to stick her head in that cesspool of bodily fluids and odor, then you need to clean your taint. There is dirt, sweat, and the remnants of semen and urine hanging out in your underwear. Wash your balls before you show them to her.

4. You Think You Are A Porn Star

Unless you were lucky enough to hook up with Gabby “No Gag Reflex” Patrinelli from the neighborhood, or you actually married a porn star, then your partner probably does not want you to ram your pelvis into her face when she finally does decide to give you some head. When you are dating the average girl, trying to stuff your salami down her throat may be a bad idea. Besides the possibility of black eye if you miss your target, there is also a good chance that some previously digested food may reenter the picture. And, there is nothing sexy about vomit….unless you are into that. If a woman decides to charm the trousersnake, be a gentleman.

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5. She Does Not Like To Do It

Yes, these women still exist. She may have had a strict religious background or she may just not like the taste of penis. But, either way she has a deeply rooted aversion to your man meat which means no blowies for you. You either leave this woman or resign yourself to a lifetime without one of the most undeniably simple pleasures on this Earth. There is very little you can do to convince a prudish woman to be more adventurous in the bedroom. Coercion, bribery, and threats of violence will not get her mouth anywhere near your pants until she decides to make a change.

6. You Never Finish

To quote the late, urban philosophy of Bernie Mac on the subject of climaxing, “Stop all that hollering, and bust a nut!” Even if she loves you down to the fibers of your soul, no woman wants to work her hands, jaw, and neck for twenty minutes without a reward. Stop all that extra moaning and groaning. She is not impressed by your sounds of man-passion, and honestly, her jaw is probably starting to hurt. When a woman is blessing you with a little mouth-to-junk resuscitation, get in there and get it done. Stop all that hollering, and bust a nut!

7. You Are Too Big

You stud, you may just be too much man for her. Everybody does not have a ten inch “Richard” in their pants, but you do. Your girlfriend, wife, or the random stranger that you have convinced to do the no-pants dance with you physically can not accommodate your manhood with her mouth. You hit the genetic lottery with that baby arm resting quietly in the front of your slacks. Congratulations, having an enormous beef whistle that completely fills out a pair of Calvin Klein underwear earned you a lifetime without good blowjobs.

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