What Not to Do in a Women’s Restroom


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Graffiti 101

I am not sure who “Mark” is or why you need to call him for a “good time”, but your good time is sure to include full-blown AIDS and/or being raped and murdered if you give him a call. Either way, you are going to die earlier than you expected. Restroom stall graffiti is a time honored tradition that needs to end immediately. Nothing is a better indicator of the level of class of a store than how many obscenities are scribbled on its restroom walls. There are better ways for you to be heard than displaying witty quips like, “Blow Me,” in a public, yet intimate forum of the restroom partitions. Find a street corner, step up onto a soapbox, and yell your message at the top of your lungs. But, do not write those messages on the door of a restroom stall. No one is listening.

Toilet Seat Surfing

There are so many reasons why no sane person would ever hover over a toilet, but I will give you a few anyway.

1. The only disease that you are likely to catch from using a public restroom can find its way to your vagina despite you hovering over the toilet. Pubic crabs can and will crawl onto anything that gets near them, so the pants or skirt that you are wearing while squatting in a public restroom can still infect you when they accidentally touch the toilet. Hovering will not save you.

2. Almost every other disease dies within moments of being left off its host. Most of the serious diseases including AIDS, HIV, Syphilis, and countless other STD’s die minutes after being exposed to open air. Hepatitis is the only disease you might actually contract from sitting on a toilet seat, and the chances of contracting that infirmity are slim too.

3. In almost every restroom, there are a seat covers and sanitary napkins directly behind the toilet or right next to it. That thin paper forms the necessary barrier that will protect you from any of the aforementioned diseases that you could possibly contract from sitting on a bare toilet seat. So use them or use toilet paper to protect you from the evil toilet seat diseases.

4. You are being a cunt. Covering the toilet seat and floor with your urine and scat makes that restroom stall unusable for everyone else who needs to use the facilities. And, believe it or not, someone has to clean your waste off the seat and floor. It may be a nearby worker or it may be another customer attempting to use the restroom. Be a decent human being and wipe the toilet seat if you hover.

Talking

There is never a reason to talk to anyone in a public restroom unless you are estranged identical twin sisters who ran into each other for the first time at the restroom mirror, you ran out of toilet paper and really need someone to help you out (you probably should have looked before you sat), or you came into the restroom with the person to whom you are talking. There is no conversation that I want to hold with a complete stranger while trying to squeeze out some painful flatulence. I am not a counselor, and I will probably not meet my new best friend inside a Walmart restroom stall.

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Sex

This is not a subject that I expected to broach, however a few personal experiences portend that this subject needs to be discussed. So, here we go. Your sexual desires do not need to be fulfilled in the stall next to me. I can hear you, you are not being discreet, and honestly, it can wait until you get home. The ten minutes of cramped sex that you get in a damp, dingy restroom cubicle is not worth the explanation that I have to give my children when we find your guy’s DNA in a prophylactic on the floor. Sex was not meant to be had in public restrooms.

Ignore the Sink

Please wash your hands when you finish using the restroom. This is the most basic human kindness. When you wipe your butt hole with toilet paper, little microorganisms that can be deadly to humans often get transferred onto your hands. I know this sounds really technical, but follow me here. The E. Coli that is now on your hands will make you sick and possibly kill you if it gets into your system. But more importantly, that deadly E. Coli from your hands is now being spread to the handle of the bathroom stall, the bathroom door, the table cloth at the restaurant, the door of the building, the stairway rails, the elevator buttons and any other place that you go. You are in essence trying to kill me with your shit. Please consent to not commit murder and wash your hands.


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