By William Bixby
Crazy comes in many forms. And, the best general indicator that a person is crazy is a vagina, so dating as a single heterosexual man can be difficult. Here are some of the most obvious signs of lunacy to help you find a mate in a emotionally turbulent dating pool.
Honorable Mention: Piercings
To find out how crazy a woman with piercings is, simply add the amount of piercings that she has (including traditional ear piercings) to the amount of times you have seen her cry, yell, or be generally unreasonable. If that number exceeds ten, then you are dealing with a psychopath. Labrum piercings and Monroe piercings count twice, and a clitoral piercing counts for ten.
1. The Skrillex
The first sign that the girl that you are dating who may be unbalanced is her hair being visibly unbalanced. The average woman would not shave half her head to make a rebellious fashion statement. Two types of women generally wear this hairstyle, crazy women who do not care if their behavior or style is socially acceptable and women who are obsessed with showing everyone how counter-culture they are. The former will eventually grow tired of you because she is too involved in herself, and the latter is actually worse than the first because their choices are based in false confidence and insecurity. Run away.
2. Drawn-In Eyebrows
If a woman was on her fourth Bloody Mary drinking heavily after her third divorce, and a group of make-up robbers left a bag of stencils on the bar stool next to her, drawing in make-up eyebrows would still be unacceptable. There is never a good reason for an adult woman to purposefully draw eyebrows onto her face. Young women do it because they do not know any better. But, anyone over the age of 16 should know enough about life and fashion to avoid this faux pas. The only women who draw in their brows are bipolar gang members and members of the Kardashian family.
3. Rainbow Hair
If a woman can not decide on one hair color, then she probably has a lot of trouble working through even the most simple decisions in her life. Purple hair may be an indicator of a woman’s tendency to go against the grain, but employing all the colors in the prism into a hairstyle points to some mental instability. Crazy colored hair is almost a sure sign that someone is working for minimum wage or not at all. And, if there is little to no income, then your rainbow-haired girlfriend will be mooching off you throughout your relationship.
4. Face Tattoos
Nothing says “I have no boundaries or goals in life,” like getting permanent ink etched into your face for the world to see. A woman with a facial tattoo has given up on conventional lifestyle. And, you have to wonder how a person who tattoos their face plans to earn a living. The moment that the needle hit her face, she lowered her career options down to stripper at a hole in the wall joint or phone sex operator.
5. The Animal Lover
This woman has a huge piece of something missing in her life and she tries to fill that void with cats. Any man who wants to date her has to be approved of by her animal companions, and no one ever passes the test. Cats hate everyone whom they are not indifferent of, and the only person that gets their indifference is their owner. Cat woman can not love any man as much as she loves her cats, and she has a lot of cats to love.
6. The Nudist
Any red-blooded American man would think that having a hot, young woman prancing around the house with no clothes all the time is a dream come true. However, a woman who is always out of her clothes is usually searching for a lot of attention. She wants her neighbors to see her. She wants the guys that pass by in their cars to see her. She wants everyone to see her naked body. That does not bode well for your relationship with her, unless you are the type of guy who also enjoys other guys looking at your wife.
7. The White Rasta
If you want to smoke weed and be spiritual, then just move to Colorado and start doing yoga. You do not have to dread your head, stop showering, and grow enough hair from armpits to condition and braid them. Any woman who makes a contiguous choice to eschew personal hygiene as a lifestyle should not be in your life.
8. Leopard Print Tattoo
These tattoos along with any animal paw print tattoo are a sure sign that you are dating a stripper. And sex workers, as a whole, are crazy and unstable. Think about it. What would it take for you to drop all of your clothes onto the floor in a crowded room, grind your privates into the crotch of a horny stranger, and then have him pay you $5-$20 after he finished in his pants? It is not the most spectacular job in the world and it takes a certain type of woman to do it….a crazy woman.
9. Never Been Married MILF
She is approaching 40 years of age and has never taken the big plunge. Hypothetically, she is the perfect woman. She is gorgeous with the perfect body, she has no children, and has built a career that most middle-aged men would envy. This woman should be the prototype for everything that a wife could be. She cooks well, she keeps an immaculate apartment, and she does things in the bedroom that you would be ashamed to admit that you like in public. You can not figure out why she is still single. The answer is obvious even though it is not easily visible. She is crazy. This woman only cares about her own career and her own personal and business endeavors.
10. The Nympho
She can not get enough of that eggplant in your pants. Every time that you get near her, she jumps on you like you are the last man on Earth. Unfortunately, she has also jumped on the crotch of nearly every guy that has crossed her path in the last five years the same way. You thought that it was you who made her crazy with lust. As it turns out, penises make her crazy with lust. This woman will screw anybody who is willing. Her feelings for you are nonexistent and your feelings for her are irrelevant.
These women are not the only examples of crazy ladies in the world, but they are some of the most easily identifiable. Steer clear of them or suffer the consequences.