How to Defeat Football


by Rodimus Dunn

It happens every year in September.  Women all across the fruited plain are smitten by a common ailment, Football Abandonment Anxiety Disorder (FAAD).  The National Football League and college football completely consume a man’s focus, attention, energy, and motivation every Saturday, Sunday, and Monday night until the beginning of February.  If you factor in the days during the week that guys spend attempting to perfect their fantasy football teams and late season Thursday night games (don’t forget all day on Thanksgiving and all the bowl games surrounding New Year’s day), that’s basically five months women have to bear this horrible condition.  Does it have to be this way?  Is there any way to win the battle against FAAD and cure this horrible disease?  Here are a few ideas…

1.     Concede defeat – sometimes it’s smart to surrender in order to ensure a less brutal defeat.  If it’s just been too many years and/or you think your man is too big a fan for you to defeat the Goliath that is football, at least have some control over the situation.  Ladies, there are two ways you can do this and still benefit in some way.

  • Channel your inner Martha Stewart – If he stays out way too late watching games at the bar and comes home sloshed every weekend, maybe you could cook up a nice dish or two, buy some beers, maybe order some pizzas, and tell him to invite his boys over to watch.  Tell him you’re either going to go run some errands or that you’ll be at home, but out of their way the whole time.  Even though he’ll completely ignore you and watch the games, at least you’ll know where he is at all times, what and how much he’s drank, and you don’t have to worry about him staying out too late or driving drunk.
  • Find your passion – It’s pretty safe to assume that you have some girlfriends who are in the exact same boast as you.  Take some dance or cooking classes together, learn to play an instrument, take a day or weekend trip, have a weekly spa day.  The options are endless, and these are things that you may have wanted to do for a really long time.  Even though he loves you, he won’t really miss you, so it’s all good.  Really and truly it’s only fair if he’s going to skirt all responsibilities every weekend for five months straight.  If he’s reluctant to try option A, maybe you being gone every weekend will push him into accepting it as a détente.

2.     Study up – I hate to be cliché, but the saying “if ya can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” rings true here.  With the advent of Google, Wikipedia, and ESPN.com it’s very easy to get educated on almost anything, especially football.  First start with your man’s favorite team, and then find out salient facts about them such as: who the best players are, who the coach is, whether they’re actually a good team or not, and when the last time they won the Super Bowl.  That’s only 5 facts to COMPLETELY impress your man forever.  You probably know 5 facts about something you don’t even like!  Once you’ve proven that you know more about football than just Tony Romo used to date Jessica Simpson, he’ll be far more apt to answer any questions you have about the team or the game in general.  If you ask legitimate questions like, “why do they call holding when guys are holding and hugging each other every play?” or, “why do they seem to run into the middle of the pile all the time?” he’ll be highly impressed (especially if you’ve never shown any interest before).  After this simplistic exercise you’ve probably successful proven yourself and are at the point to ask him to watch a game together.  Every man has uttered the phrase on multiple occasions, “I want a woman who loves sports.”  You’ve now become that girl!  In addition, every guy wants to bloviate by showing how much they know about football.  You’ve now become their sounding board!  So just by learning 5 simple facts and asking a few well timed questions you can keep your man at home, spend some quality time with him, AND stroke his ego at the same time.  Where is the downside?  I’d be remiss if I didn’t add that you may actually end up becoming a fan of the game also.

before

after

3.       Cheat – Conceding defeat and studying requires time, research, and quite a bit of sacrifice.  Who really has the time or stomach for all that business?  Do what any self respecting woman would do … use your feminine wiles to divert his attention.  Thank goodness for Alyssa Milano who created the “Touch” line of NFL apparel for women.  Go online and buy a shirt or sweater a few sizes too small and find a few reasons to go into the living room.  If you really want to play dirty, remember that Peyton Manning jersey he loves so much? Wear it on Sunday without wearing any pants underneath it, and start sauntering past his line of sight every now and again.  Men can’t ignore football or scantily clad women.  Combine the two, and we have absolutely no chance to fight back.  Lastly, if all else fails and you need to hit below the belt, put on that Peyton Manning jersey, and hit below the belt … literally.  You can interpret that however you desire.

This is not playing fair.


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