By William Bixby
If you want to keep the man that you are with, then these things should never slip out of your mouth. For all the bravado and machismo, men have the same emotions and insecurities that women do. And, a large part of a man’s identity lies in his sometimes false sense of reality. Ego is what separates the two genders. There is a reason that old, grossly overweight men still wear speedos. Your job, ladies, is to keep this ego in tact.
1. My ex is bigger than you – This should be obvious, but strangely according to a few sources, it is still actually said. Part of a man’s identity ties directly to his member. Every man wants to believe that his woman is pure and virginal, and does not want to even think about another man sleeping with his woman. Not only are you destroying his delusion of your purity, but you are also feeding a insecurity that he may have not had before.
When you talk about your ex, your boyfriend feels like the guy in the glasses.
2. My ex is better than you – Whether or not your ex-boyfriend is better than your current boyfriend, there is no reason to express it to him. Once again, your job as a girlfriend is to stroke the male ego and re-living great times with an ex-boyfriend does not help your present boyfriend in any way.
3. Basically anything about any of your ex-boyfriends – There is no conceiveable reason to ever mention your ex-boyfriends. In your boyfriend’s head, he is the first and only man that has ever mattered to you. Immature? Yes, but also true.
4. Why don’t you make more money? – If he is struggling financially, then he knows it. There is no need to point out the obvious. He has probably been trying to figure out how to make more money for a while. Just be as supportive as possible or leave him for a guy with more money.
5. Do I look fat in this? – Yes, you look fat in that. You put on twenty pounds since the two of you started dating. You saw the scale. You looked at it in the mirror. You saw the newly placed love handles on your side. He loves you with or without the extra pounds, so don’t ask him a question for which there is no correct answer.
Yes, she looks better than you.
6. Do you think she’s cute? – Yes, he does think she is cute. She is also a few cup sizes bigger than you with a smaller waist. That blank look on his face is his attempt to keep you happy, so do not put him in a position to hurt your feelings.
7. Which one of my friends would you sleep with? – No one wins with this question. If he does not answer you, then you harass him about the question for the next week. If he does answer, then you become instantly jealous of one of your friends, despite the obvious fact that he is not dating her. Avoid this question at all costs or let the unwarranted envy begin.
8. Would you hold my purse? – Why do you want to emasculate your boyfriend? You knew your purse was big, clunky, and heavy when you packed it. You could have taken that small clutch, but you picked up Big Bertha, so deal with it.
We went to college together, okay?
9. Why is he your friend? – Yes, he has the attention span and the sense of humor of a third grader, but he is your boyfriend’s friend. You don’t have to like him or hang around him, but you do have to accept him. Besides, why are all your friends slutty?
10. We need to talk – In the history of mankind, nothing positive has ever followed these words. The worst thing about saying, “We need to talk,” is that the bad news that succeeds the phrase, is never delivered promptly. There is always some waiting period, where the man has to try to figure out what the problem is. If you have something to say, just say it. Do not preface it with “We need to talk.” Or you could just follow it with, “Here’s a couple thousand dollars I’ve been saving. I’ve seen you working hard and I thought I’d help with the bills this time.” or “I don’t think we’re having enough sex. We should fix that.”