1. Do Not Say That You’re in a Rush - If you are in a rush, then do not go to a restaurant. Eat at home. If you ask the kitchen to put your food ahead of all the other food, then you have in essence said screw everybody else who has accurately planned out enough time to eat because you think that you are more important than them. That makes you a douche bag. Your food will be dry because it has been cooked too fast, your waiter will be pissed because he has to spend more time and effort with you, and you will not get wherever you are trying to go in time. Inevitably, the person that says that they are in a rush orders both an appetizer and a dessert along with their meal which insures that they will not get to their destination in 30 minutes. Save your server and yourself a headache and go to Mickey D’s.
2. Don’t Say I’m Allergic - Why would you trust your life or the life of your kids to someone who can not figure “no onions?” That makes you a suicidal idiot. There is always a chance that something that you are allergic to will touch something that you ordered. Have you ever ordered a hamburger with no onions and that lone sliver of onion sneaks into the sandwich? If your allergies are life threatening then eat at home. Half of the desserts in big restaurants have nuts in them and some fried foods are cooked in peanut oil. Nut allergies are unavoidable. And, do not say that you are allergic to garlic, onions, or salt. Anything that you order will have one of them in it. If you consistently tell your waiter that you are allergic to food in a restaurant, then you are a liar or you should live in a bubble. Eat at home.
3. Don’t Change the Dish - “Ummm, I a want the Blackened Mahi Mahi with the Lemon-Garlic Butter Sauce, but can I have chicken instead of the fish and can I have a tomato sauce instead of the the lemon sauce. Oh, and can I have fries instead of the rice that this comes with. Wait, you don’t have fries? What kind of restaurant doesn’t have fries?” A classy one, you assbag. Do not be this person. Your waiter hates you. He or she is thinking of different ways to murder you without leaving witnesses. And at the end of it all, your waiter is going to forget one of the five things that you wanted changed.
4. Don’t Ask What the Sides Are - You have a menu you numb nut. Use it. Thirty people a day ask a waiter what the sides are despite the answer sitting literally right under their noses. Do not be one of them. Instead, ask where the sides are on the menu.
5. Don’t Ask What the Specials Are - The only people that ask what the specials are, are people looking for a deal. If you are can not afford to buy a meal, then do not eat out. There is a distinct difference between asking if there are any special dishes that are off the menu that the chef recommends and asking for the cheap lunch specials. Your waiter is being paid $2.13 an hour to serve you food and keep you hydrated, not to entertain your stupid questions about price values. An expensive restaurant is not the place to try to hunt for a bargain.
6. Don’t Send Your Food Back - There is absolutely no reason to ever do this. You are going wait thirty minutes for your food if you have a particularly spiteful waiter, and your palate is not so sensitive that you can not get through whatever sounded really good to you from the menu. If the food is burnt, raw, or has someone’s DNA in it, then send it back. If the meal that you ordered does not taste the way that imagined it tasting, suck it up. Life is a gamble.
7. Do Not Skimp on the Tip - Here is a Public Service Announcement for all the poor, backwoods yokels, the ignorant inner city adventurers, and/or the cheap foreign people that go out to eat at restaurants in America. The standard tip percentage is 15%. Not 10%. Not $5. It is 15% at any establishment of fine dining. You are ripping off your waiter when you do not tip properly. Your server is being paid two dollars an hour to smile at you and your terrible attitude, to ignore your yelling kids who are destroying the table and wasting food and drinks on themselves, the table, and floor, and to get good food out to you and two other tables in a timely fashion. And, some restaurants charge their servers a percentage of their tips which means that when you do not tip your servers are actually paying the store for you to eat. People who shaft waiters are wastes of oxygen. Do not be that person.