Inevitably, you will cross paths with a few less than desirable women if you have to enter or reenter the dating pool. However, there are a few that you should avoid at all costs. Guys, these are the women that not only make you regret being single, but also will make you considering taking vows of abstinence.
Single, Never Been Married, No Kids
In theory, this is the perfect woman for any man. She has been unspoiled by the bad relationships that most people have had by the time they reach their mid-twenties. She has no real responsibilities and no liabilities that are apparent. However, this woman carries real issues that become highly visible once you begin to date her. You will soon realize that she is single for a reason. This woman is self-involved and greatly overestimates her value and impact on the world. She probably has a good job and lives alone, so, in her head, she is better than her peers. She has an extensive list of traits and possessions that a man has to have in order to date her, and an equally long unwritten list of things a man can do to insure that he does not get another date with her. No one can meet expectations because her expectations are there solely to keep everyone away. She is alone because she believes that she has not met anyone that meets her standards, but her standards are a wall that she uses to fight off the men that could be a great match for her. Until she realizes that she is sabotaging her own relationships, she will make her relationship with you miserable.
5 Kids, 5 Baby Daddies
This should go without saying, but, if a woman has 5 children by 5 different men, then she at the very least has some questionable decision-making practices. Being with her means that either you are going to have to wait until she has a babysitter who will watch all of her children, or you will have to get used to being surrogate daddy on your dates. Just so you will know, no one watches that many kids. The good news is that she probably will sleep with you, but the bad news is that one of her kids will probably be asleep next you while you are plowing their mom. Oh, and sleeping with a woman who has five kids might create a bill for you that takes 40% of your paycheck for the next eighteen years and calls you “daddy.”
Born Again Virgins
Born again virgins are the women who have quite literally slept with every available single person in the city, except you. New found purity is the calling card for old practiced sluttiness. This woman has banged every guy within a 26 mile radius of her apartment, and has screwed a few girls too. She is the embodiment of equal opportunity when it comes to sex. This woman was searching for the cure to her daddy issues inside the pants of every stranger that she met until a month before she met you, and now she is saving herself for marriage. You can not eat a meal without running into someone that she has slept with or use a bathroom stall that she has not been banged in, but you are shut out of her vagina because she found Jesus. And then, you have to wonder if she really found Jesus because you know that she probably would have blown him if she met him. Do you want to know what God does not love? Hypocrisy. And, a slutty chick who will not sleep with you is the definition of a hypocrite.
This girl knits sweaters for her cats. She buys random, strange items like paper clips and stress balls for the cats to play with even though those things are not cat toys, and the cats ignore them. She treats her cats like her children, all 6 of them. Her apartment smells like cat urine because all of them are pissed that they have to share space with other cats and her. You should avoid this woman at all costs. You will be entrenched squarely in second place behind the animals, and you will be reminded of that with her constant chatter about them. Let her take her rightful place as the crazy old cat lady with disheveled hair, no husband, and 22 cats.
Any recently divorced woman hates men. Divorces are the only processes that can be particularly ugly even when they are executed relatively simply. And, since women are usually more in tune with their emotions, they tend to internalize the divorce more. Men as a whole become demonized in some cases as these women become bitter. You will pay the price that her ex-husband accrued through all his philandering, pilfering finances, and just being mean to this lady. She will not trust you even though you have done nothing to earn her distrust. She will ask where you have been every time that you are five minutes late coming home. She will ask why you did not answer your cell phone at work when she called you five times, even though you told her clearly last Thursday that you can not take personal calls at the job. She will pick arguments with you over absolutely nothing, and ultimately she will make your life a living hell, because she is fighting the demons of relationships past.
The “No Girlfriends” Girlfriend
If a woman has no girlfriends then she is probably a selfish bitch. Harsh? Yes, but also true. Women can be catty and petty, but they are also pretty forgiving and definitely more tolerant than men on most issues. As long as she is not living in a city full of mean girls – and what city only has mean girls – then a woman should have at least one female friend. Any woman that honestly thinks that her male associates are her friends is deluded. Men can not be friends to women in most cases. In fact, men are usually not good friends to other men either. These guys are just waiting for the right opportunity to sleep with one “female friends.” And honestly, any woman who has all male friends is one bad argument and four drinks away from banging one of them.
The Super Vegan
Okay, she may be into some super-spiritual Tantric sex that only the Southern Tibetan monks from the Himalaya knew existed until last year, but she will also try to save every single tree that currently exists on the planet. You will witness her lambasting grocery store baggers for using paper bags that were not made from other recycled bags. She will attempt to feed every wayward squirrel who wanders onto your path and nurse every bird with a broken wing back to health personally. That is what animal clinics are for hippie. She will force you to eat more beans and grains than you ever thought existed and feed you exotic foods that taste like a healthy cross between cardboard and the fungus that grows on seaweed. Plus, how can you trust a person who does not eat chicken?
The 30 Year Old Virgin
Once again, in theory, this is the perfect woman. She has never known the touch of a man because she has saved herself for marriage. Her purity shows that she has principles and the type of resolve that men look for in a wife and mother. Keeping her virginity for so long is proof that she has fortitude and is of good moral fiber. It is also usually the sign of a deeper unresolved issue. The 30 year old virgin generally comes in one of two versions, the girl who sleeps with no one but blows everyone and the prudish woman who is guarded and passive-aggressive. The first version of the 30 year old virgin is just a whore who drew the line at hummers. She still has a terrible reputation in dating circles and once she breaks the seal on her vagina, there will be no stopping her. But this second type of virgin proves to be more of a difficult partner in a relationship than the first. The repressed virgin has more intrinsic problems than the fallacious, slutty one. The virgin who has butt sex with their boyfriend but believes that she is still pure is just fooling herself. She is holding on to her parent’s ideals, but failing to adhere to them. However, the prudish, 30 year old virgin has serious trust issues that could extend into emotional and sexual problems down the road. At best, a 30 year old virgin is an experienced lover who is willing to communicate and learn about physical and emotional intimacy despite her lack of either. At worst, she is a introverted and repressed hermit who only responds with anger and/or tears when approached with affection.
My Mom Is My Best Friend
The natural order of things is that women think that their moms are crazy, and pray to the sweet baby Jesus that they do not transform into their mothers once they have children. It is completely unnatural for any woman to choose her mom as her best friend. In these relationships, either the mother or the daughter has assumed the role of husband which leaves you squarely on the outside of the relationship looking in. You will compete for your girlfriend’s attention and lose consistently. Even if her mother loves you, you will face a united front whenever you make some unapproved gesture regardless of your intent or the outcome of the behavior. You are fighting a battle that you can not win. Mom is always right, and you are driving a wedge between them.