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Things I Learned from Being Single

3 Feb

Men like breasts
– No matter what part of a woman’s anatomy a man says that he prefers, he also likes breasts. If you show a man a woman with full cleavage in a low cut shirt, he will stop what he is doing and stare. Even gay men grab their female friends’ chest and giggle about it. Why do men watch “cat fights”? Because, they cling to the chance of seeing an appearance by an areola. Why do men that say they only love thin women, yet ogle Christina Hendricks? Because quite simply, men love cleavage.

Men like butts – Regardless of what a man says he also likes a woman’s rear end. Part of this is evolutionary, because men are naturally attracted to a 0.7 waist to hip ratio, but even socially men like to see an hourglass figure.  The curves don’t have to be as extensive as Kim Kardashian’s 35-26-40 measurements on a 5’2 frame to be fantastic.  For example, Jessica Biel has much smaller hips (35-25-35), but still has the great butt and the 0.7 ratio.  Large hips subconsciously means very good odds of procreating in the male mind

Men spend a lot of time thinking about women – Single men study women and their bodies like how Stephen Hawking studies the solar system.  We don’t like math, but certain numbers are floating around in our heads all day long: bra size, hip size, areola diameter, nipple volume.  What’s more, the single male mind is consistently considering important female facts like amount and color of pubic hair, what noises she makes when turned on, and how good she is at fellatio.  Between going to work, watching sports, and thinking about women, there’s not a lot of time left in the day … that’s why single men don’t cook!

Talking to women changes as you get older
– As a young single man, you’re game isn’t fully refined, and you’re more or less constantly in attack mode.  Subtleties about the potential target are missed (or ignored), and there’s more of a shotgun approach to approaching the women.  Generally this works because younger women aren’t as sophisticated, and are more likely to succumb to a smooth talking dude who paints with a pretty broad brush.  The wisdom and experience gained through age makes talking to women exponentially easier.  The things we missed when we were younger make a significant difference in approaching more mature women.  For example asking or commenting on their jewelry, accessories, or food choice at the grocery store is a perfect lead in to getting her number.  We don’t really think about this when we’re young and single, but with time we learn women do and wear things for a reason, so you have to act like you care.  In addition, talking to women when you’re older can be just as easy as having a good conversation with them.  No pick-up lines, no smooth talking, just the ability to banter with an attractive, eligible woman.

Being single is overrated – Going out to bars regularly, paying for dates, and buying condoms can become expensive very quickly.  That’s one of the big downsides to being single.  When you’re in a committed relationship there’s no longer the need to spend copious amounts of time and money to impress the other person.  It also gets frustrating to waste brain matter holding asinine conversations on the phone with women you don’t care anything about, and trying to remember what you told to which woman.  Having a sex slump is another downside to being single.  If you’ve been unlucky with the ladies for a while, it means you probably haven’t “gotten lucky” in while either.  Not so much a problem when you have a girlfriend or wife.  The odds of her being tired or having a headache or whatever are increased because you’re in each other’s presence more, but you certainly get action more regularly while in a relationship.

Being single is underrated – All of the above drawbacks to being single are true, but are they more important than freedom?  Patrick Henry famously said, “Give me liberty or give me death,” and death may be a better option than being a neutered version of your single self.  Imagine having to ask permission to go out with your buddies.  Consider the prospects of having a pre-midnight curfew.  Visualize driving a minivan filled with baby car seats.  Mull over feeling guilty just looking at other women.  All of that crap sucks big time, and that’s why being single is underrated.  The money that committed guy saves not going to bars, paying for dates, or buying condoms he spends (with excess) on diapers, daycare, and/or flowers and gifts for his ball and chain.  Lastly, if you never had a ménage, got with a cougar, had a fling with the secretary, or had a wild tryst in Vegas; it ain’t happening anymore if you’re not single.  Give me liberty!

I think I’ll take liberty

How to be a politician – Being successfully single is like being a skilled politician; you can never be specific about anything.  If you’re dating multiple women you can’t say you get off at 5PM, you learn to say, “I’ll probably be getting off in a few hours.”  You must also possess nebulous phrases in your vernacular such as “a couple of days,” “for a while,” “as soon as I can,” and “probably.”  Another political piece of advice is that Presidential candidates rarely campaign in their home state.  What’s the point? They’ll probably win that state in the election anyway. In the same vein, you learn when to not hold activities in your house.  This is important just in case your date doesn’t leave on time, you’re expecting another girl to call early, or someone left behind something a potential conquest shouldn’t see.  Besides, you don’t want all of them knowing exactly where you live in case things end badly.  And the most important thing a good politician does is tell people what they want to hear. For example, when they say, “I’m going to lower taxes!”  They’re really saying, “I’m going to lower taxes … on blind people greater than 65 years old, but for everyone else, I’m going to tax the hell out of them!”

For the single guy, here are a few examples:

“Of course you’re the only person I’m seeing” translates to “Of course you’re the only person I’m seeing … at this moment.

“I absolutely adore poetry” translates to “I absolutely adore poetry … now that I know it will get you into bed!”

“I would never date a girl like that” translates to “I would never date a girl like that …but I’d definitely sleep with a girl like that!”

Preparation is key – If you want to be successful it requires effort, timing, and work.  It’s important to do your homework to know which places are good which nights, and what kind of crowd and music genre to expect.  Sometimes it’s good to ask women which places they like, because it often means there aren’t too many guys there for competition.  You need to keep a spare pair of loafers in your car just in case the door guy is being a prick.  Keeping cash on hand is important to potentially pay for parking and entrance to the bar/club.  Even though its 2011, plastic usually can’t help you on the bar/club scene.  Be aware of current events in case you stumble upon the hot, smart chick.  Even if you don’t read, have the name of a book you’re “reading” or just finished reading.  Always have a stash of condoms, and keep your house stocked with all the appropriate items just in case you have an unplanned successful night. And make sure you always have a planned reason (excuse) for why you have to leave why she has to leave, or why you can’t stay longer.  Boy scouts are always supposed to be prepared, why can’t single men?

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