10 Things Women Need to Know About Men


1. We have emotions.

We’re not necessarily sensitive, but we are human, thus, we have emotions. We like to be complimented, such as: you’re such a great husband and father; I appreciate how hard you work, etc. We enjoy random texts or emails that say how much you like us or how hot we are. Basically I’m saying men like their ego stroked.

 

2. We do not EVER want to hear about or meet any of your ex’s.

Men are visual creatures, so if we ever meet or hear about one of your ex’s we instantly visualize you sleeping with him…bad times. Same is true if you ever say another guy is hot or crane your neck to check him out; prepare for an argument.

 

3. We don’t need you to like sports, per se…

We do, however, appreciate you knowing about our favorite teams and players (not very hard if you pay attention, as we probably talk about them a lot). We’d like you to know the basics of the game…it’s really sexy. We don’t need to have PTI type debates with you, because that’s what our buddies are for, but we’d like you to do just a little bit of homework (this is pretty easy in this day and age considering Google and Wikipedia). For example, my mother can recognize a false start or pass interference penalty in a football game, however, she can’t recognize something more complicated like ineligible man downfield or illegal formation. This took some effort on her part, and I’m sure my dad appreciates that.

 

4. Certain phrases are taboo.

We need to talk; let’s talk; can we talk for a minute; can you turn the tv off for a second. All these mean to us are: 1. prepare for an argument, 2. what did I do wrong this time, and/or, 3. what am I not doing now? We immediately get on the defensive, and that’s not a good thing for you or for us.

 

5. We don’t want to have an extensive conversation after sex.

After sex we just want to sleep (or leave the premises as fast as possible to avoid cuddling if we’re really not that into you). We don’t want to talk about how Kristen and Doug’s marriage is on the rocks, which tile to get for the bathroom, or why that lady in your office didn’t hold the elevator for you, but did for your girlfriend. If we like you we’ll do the cuddling thing, but please, can we have a lot less post coital conversation.

 

6. Men will fake a relationship just to have sex.

This is extremely awful, but also extremely factual. Easy solution is respect your body and don’t sleep with the guy after the 1st date just because he’s a smooth talker, and/or because he drives a BMW, and/or because he’s wearing expensive clothes and shades (even though it’s nighttime or inside a club). He will either never call you again, or he’ll keep “dating” you until he finds someone he likes better.

 

7. High quality men don’t want a docile woman.

This isn’t to be confused with a shy or introverted person, because these women still have souls. Be yourself and hold firm to what you believed in before you met us. If you’re a Republican and pro-life, don’t change to a Democratic pro-choicher just because the dude you met is. Don’t do everything we say do or agree with everything we say please. If we wanted another possession, we’d simply just go to Best Buy and buy one. We’re dating you because we respect your opinions and you stimulate us mentally. Remember this goes for respectable guys. Lame dudes want to dominate and manipulate susceptible women because they can’t handle strong women. Respect yourself, respect your body, and be a strong women (if you don’t know what that means, you’re on the right website).

 

8. We only agree to watch horrid shows like “The Bachelor” to see the women.

Trust me, we don’t care if Mindy or Sarah gets the rose at the end of the show or not. We just want to see her impeccable body in a bikini. There are two other small benefits to watching women argue and be catty with each other on camera. Firstly, it makes us grateful that our lady isn’t an attention starved, gold digger, with no soul; secondly, we like to see the awkward conversations that follow when the girls deny sleeping with the bachelor (when it’s obvious that they have to just to win).

 

9. Yes it does make us feel special when you ask us to fix something or open something.

Remember that whole stroking the ego thing? After being emasculated by things such as car seats, The Notebook, and matching outfits in holiday family photos, there’s nothing better than finally being asked to use that Y chromosome.

 

10. Yes we want you to take our last name when we get married.

It’s not that we want to own you after we put that incredibly expensive piece of jewelry on your finger, it’s more of a comprise thing. When a dude marries a woman, he agrees to lower his testosterone levels by doing such things as: being completely monogamous (despite getting so much more attention from women once we commit), watching movies that star Jennifer Aniston or Meryl Streep, going on double dates with your friends and their usually lame husbands, trading in our sports car for something that can house a car seat, getting rid of our video game, comic book, and baseball card collections, and throwing away all of our Victoria Secret and Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue magazines. All we ask is that you take our last name so we’re not the butt end of jokes from all of our buddies for the rest of our lives. By the way, the whole hyphenating both of our last names is actually worse than you not taking our last name. (Exceptions to this of course are people who need to keep their last names for occupational purposes)

 

Bonus (because we know that you’re curious):

• Do you look fat in that dress? Of course not. (Do you honestly think that any man with a modicum of intelligence would answer anything else to that question?  We accept that you’ve put on a few pounds since we’ve started dating; we probably have also, but don’t tempt us by trying to squeeze into a size 1 dress if you’re a size 6. Most importantly, please don’t even ask us something like this.)

• Do we think any of your friends are hot? Of course not sweetie. (Men know that women either roll in a pack that has a bevy of hot friends, or none at all {and you’re the only hot one, of course}. Either way we’d NEVER admit that).

• Do we like what you did with your hair? Of course! (Whatever it is you did with it.)

• Do we miss you? Of course! (Women are soft and smell really good, we like being around that…except during the 4th quarter of a playoff game.)

• Do these pants make your butt look big? Of course not! (Unless you’re a black woman and you don’t see this as disparaging, but rather as a compliment.)

• What do you think about her (random hot chick in the mall)? I can’t believe she’s wearing those pants that are so tight! (Seriously, why even go here, unless you want us to ogle that young hottie?)

• Would I like to eat lunch with you and your mother? Of course I would, but I really have this thing for work that I have to finish. (Of course we would, but we have this thing for work that we really have to finish.)


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