1. … if you are from a suburb or a gated community – There is no such thing as a suburban thug. Thugs are born in the heart of the city with problems that suburbanites could not even imagine. They are not separated from the community in gated communities. They rob gated communities. Thugs do not have lake houses or spend Sundays with their fathers on golf courses. These places represent a lifestyle that is too reformed and repressed for a thug. If you live on the outskirts of the city in a home big enough to house your entire family, then you are not a thug. The suburban thug does not exist.
2. …if you grew up in at the least middle class or higher – Thugs are born out of hardship. If you have never read by candlelight because your lights (electricity) were turned off, you’ve never had to wash yourself in a small tub after the water bill went unpaid, or you’ve never eaten a mayonnaise sandwich because there was no meat in the house, then you are not a thug.
3. …if you have an inheritance – No one provides for a thug. He does not have responsible parents or a rich uncle to give him a house or a dowry. That’s why he is in the streets hustling to get whatever he can. Thugs do not inherit things, they steal them at gunpoint.
4. …if you grew up with both of your parents – Thugs do not live in households with both of their parents. They come from broken homes. Most don’t know their fathers. If they actually know their father, then one or both of their parents are on drugs and they are living with a relative. A real thug doesn’t ask his dad for advice, unless his dad taught him how to break into houses.
5. …if you have ever attended college – No one studies during the day and hot-wires cars at night. There is no Attempted Robbery 101 class in college. Just because you sold a little weed to your classmates does not automatically give you a thug pass. Do you remember what happened when you left your dorm room unlocked? The guys who ramsacked your room were closer to real thugs than you are. Just graduating from high school puts your “thuggery” in temporary default. Having a degree or a diploma makes you look very suspicious, because there is no such thing as an educated thug.
6. …if you have ever been employed for more than 6 months – Thugs don’t have desk jobs. Thugs can’t get desk jobs, they didn’t go to school. There are no gainfully employed 9-5 thugs.
7. …if you have never done anything remotely illegal – Citizens obey the law, thugs break it. If you have never beaten someone up for no reason, spray painted a court building, or stolen something that you don’t need, then you are not thugging.
8. …if people call you by your God-given, government name – Kip Wingknott III and Brett Matherton don’t rob people. Nook Nook and Peanut do.
9. …if you have never been shot, shot at someone, or even been in a fistfight – Thugs do not resolve their problems through talking. They solve their problems through intimidation and violence. If you have not fought anyone since the 8th grade when Melanie took your cookies, you are not a thug. Yes, she was almost as big as you, stronger, and more aggressive, but that does not count towards you being a thug. If you can’t find anyone to party with you, because you always get into a fight, then you ‘re on the right track.
10. …if you have never been to prison – Not county jail. “Guard your butt,” “don’t drop the soap,” “sleep on your back prison.” If you have never been arrested, except for public intoxication that one time in Las Vegas, then you are not a thug.
11. …if you have to say I’m a thug. I’m thugging, or I’m so hood – If you have to announce to the world exactly how “thuggish” you are, then you, by definition, are not a thug, thugging, or so hood.
12. …if you are a rapper – People that break the law regularly do not broadcast their “illegals” to the world while rhyming to music. 50 Cent, the world knows that you were shot 9 times now. That does not make you some dangerous drug dealer. That makes you a person that was at the wrong place at the wrong time or a liar. Lil’ Wayne, you shot yourself as a kid. That does not make you a hardened criminal. That makes you an overzealous, unsupervised kid or an idiot. There is reason that people rap about crime. It is because they do not commit actual crimes.
13. …if you are reading this – Thugs do not use computers. They take them from people and sell them to pawn shops or steal shipments of them and sell them on street corners. Thugs are not on Facebook or You Tube. They don’t Google someone’s address before they rob it. Thugs are in the streets committing crimes and making money while doing it.
I don’t make the rules. I just know them, recognize them, and live by them. If you are proclaiming yourself to be a thug, then stop immediately. There is no glory or praise in being a thug. You are either headed for prison or you’re an imbecile. I’m not a thug, and neither are you.