College is one of the most important times of most people’s lives. It is the period between adolescence and adulthood where men need special guidance to cruise through that period unscathed. Unfortunately, college does not offer courses that would really help students ease into this new transition. Here are the classes that every college should offer.
1. Career Path 101
There are only two types of career choices in the adult world. There are jobs that pay very little money but are gratifying for their employees in other ways, and jobs that are completely stressful and boring that pay well. You have to decide which job you want. Is saving orphans while living in an efficiency apartment what you want to do for the rest of your life? Or, would you rather be a soulless drone in corporate America for the rest of your career and make over $60,000 as your yearly salary? There is no such thing as a dream job that pays well and satisfies all your emotional desires. You have to decide between making enough money to take month long vacations and hating your work, or loving everything about your occupation except the pay. No one tells you this in college.
2. Advanced Dating Studies 302
Many men have wasted months and even years of their lives talking to the wrong woman because they lacked the proper perspective on women. *There are two types of women in the world, women that you play naked crotch tag with and women with whom you actually hold meaningful conversation. And, there are many ways that guys confuse the two, including but not limited to: thinking that a beautiful woman is inherently an interesting person, thinking that good sex makes a woman more interesting, and thinking that a woman who is fun to talk to is fun in bed. None of these things are necessarily true. Gorgeous women are often boring because they have never had to carry a conversation. Overzealous suitors often do all the talking. Good sex should not bring a woman closer to being in a relationship. In general, a woman who is great in bed is either “experienced” or crazy. Crazy women have the best vaginas. The amount of crazy a woman has is directly correlated to how good she is in bed. It is a scientific fact.**And finally, women who are fun to talk to are not necessarily the most fun in the bedroom. Unfortunately, those two things are not at all related. There are plenty of quiet freaks in the bedroom – in fact, most super slutty girls do not look slutty – and there are plenty of interesting women who you would rather talk to than sleep with. If you find a woman that is both fun to talk to and great in bed, then you should marry her.
3. Remedial Cooking 011
Home economics classes are now non-existent, and it is to the detriment of our society. People do not know how to cook anymore. As a college student, you quickly learn that there is no chance that you will eat out for every meal unless you live with your parents. The answer to the old, ”What am I going to eat today?” question is answered by buying an expensive meal plan at the college, or learning how to cook your own food. Eating out can cost as much as 5 times the actual price of the food that you consume, and the school cafeteria normally costs double the price. It is more rewarding and economical to plan and make your meals rather than buy them. Knowing your way around a kitchen is invaluable in college, but today’s society is ill-equipped to cook their own meals. And ladies, knowing how to cook puts you ahead of all the other women in the catch a rich husband sweepstakes even though the wealthy rarely cook their own meals. .
4. Bedroom Dancing 401
Sex is a lot like ballroom dancing. The man usually leads, and he is responsible for the performance quality of the activity. But, though he has most of the responsibility, he is not the star of the show. Similarly to dancing, if the guy is in the spotlight, then the performance is typically bad. Sex is not about the guy. In sex and dancing, the entire activity revolves around the man’s ability to make the woman glow. A man’s ability to illuminate a woman’s performance in the bedroom or on the dance floor dictates whether the act was great, mediocre, or terrible. The man often controls how well the activity goes, but the woman is the star.
5. Drinking Games 210
There is no quicker way to become popular in college, than to be the reason that women take their clothes off. And, there is no quicker way to get ladies to disrobe in college than to know a few fun drinking games. There is strip beer pong, body shots, and a plethora of other games that involve women removing articles of clothing and drinking copious amounts of alcohol. Remember, the more that she drinks, the better you look to her. Someone should have taught that class.
6. Class Selection 101
No one tells college freshman how important it is to take the right classes that are being taught by the right professors. Most newcomers to college are thrown into classes haphazardly. They listen to counselors and take the first classes that are available at any given time period. But, doing well in college is as much about knowing which professors to take as it is about finishing your four year plan. Classes that are given by the head of the department are chock full of students who blindly add the class, and then quickly drop them after they find out how terribly that they are performing in the classroom. They waste their money on classes that they had no hope of passing in the first place. With this course, the right path for each student could be mapped out in their first year and followed to educational success.
7. Who To Date 103
When you first saw the hot blonde in her pink jumpsuit driving a baby pink Benz with matching interior, you thought, “God, she is hot! And, she has her shit together.” But, if you came to that conclusion, then you need this class. You would have come to two questions. ‘How could a teenager in college afford a custom Mercedez Benz? And, who bought it for her? Either she is a spoiled daddy’s girl who is selfish and deluded about how real life works the worst drug dealer ever, or a shallow, slutty trollop who boned some old guy to get the car of her dreams. And, those scenarios totally ignore the obvious defect of character that should be obvious when you see that type of car, immaturity. Who to Date 103 would teach college students about all the pitfalls that lie ahead in the serial dating that inevitably takes place in college. Lessons like ‘If He Lies About Little Things, Then He Lies About Big Things Too,’ and ‘She’s Probably A Slut,’ are sure to teach young daters who they should and should not be dating.
*Congratulations, you found the sexist statement of the month!
**It is not a scientific fact.