Women are incredible creatures, but they can also be overwhelmingly confusing and confounding to men. Half the time, women have no clue what they want, but they still expect their partners to understand them and solve their dilemmas. And, regardless of their self-awareness in a situation or the lack thereof, there is an unspoken expectation that a woman’s partner knows what she desires. So, here are a few simple interpretations of some of the more popular phrases that women will inevitably say or ask. This is what women really mean when they direct seemingly benign questions or comments towards you.
“Does this _____ make me look fat?”
I didn’t get enough likes on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, or whatever cult-ish mode of social media that I use solely for getting attention from sleazebags that I barely know and guys that I have cast into friend zone purgatory. I have to reevaluate my entire physical existence on this planet, because my ego is a little bruised. You, my boyfriend, are now my only source of esteem. Make me feel special by cracking the Da Vinci code that I call my feelings or be shut out of my vagina for the next month.
“If you bring me _____ I’ll love you forever.”
Which naïve bastard who genuinely wants a relationship with me can I turn into my own personal errand boy? My friend zone numbers have been dwindling for weeks now, and I need someone new to step up to the plate and be ignored romantically by me. Bringing _____ to me will insure that you will never see me naked.
“Can you help me with this?
A. To Your Husband: I am being a controlling bitch, because I think that you laze around the house entirely too much. So, get off your constantly-spreading, apathetic behind, and finish at least one menial task in the house that I bought with my parents’ money.
B. To Your Boyfriend: I need your help putting together these shelves. So, could you please grab a hammer, put on a wife-beater and some jeans, and build something for me. You look manly when you fix things and you might get a blowie out of this whole ordeal.
C. To A Stranger: You’re cute and I’m interested.
“I’m almost ready.”
Sit down, watch some Netflix, and have a drink. I have no earthly idea when I am going to leave the bathroom, the bedroom, or the closet. And, I still need to shave my legs, put on makeup, fix my hair, and decide on one of the twelve outfits that I have tried out. This whole ordeal could take ten minutes, or it could be two hours before we leave. Your guess is as good as mine.
“I wish my boyfriend was here right now.”
I am horny. And, I want you, the guy that I am chatting up, to know it. Would you like for me to hold your penis with my vagina, kind sir? It is no trouble. You are two drinks and three good compliments away from sloppy sex at my apartment.
“How do you know her?”
Who is that busty chick that you hugged on the way in here? Did you sleep with her? Do you think that she is hotter than me, because I think that she is pretty hot. Are you still sleeping with her now? Why didn’t I wear my heels on this date?
“What did you say?”
I heard what you said, but I can not believe that you would say something so flippant and unintentionally disrespectful when you know how much that means to me. Explain yourself. You have a small opportunity right now to fix that last statement before all hell breaks loose.
“I am SO done with you.” “Over it.” “I hate you.” “It’s cool.” “I’m not upset.”
I am not done with you. I am absolutely not over it. I love you. It is not cool. Of course, I’m upset. I am also contemplating your murder while smiling at your lying face.
“It didn’t mean anything.”
I just cheated on you with my ex-boyfriend, my long-time, male best friend, your best friend, and/or Chuck the mailman, and you are devastated. If I am lucky, saying, “It didn’t mean anything,” after the kiss, sex, or multiple partner anal orgy that just took place will smooth everything out. At least, I hope it does. I care about your feelings, but not enough to stop screwing other guys. And honestly, you are the person that I should be with even though I do not find you to be that interesting or attractive.
“I don’t care what we get to eat. You pick.”
Why don’t you name restaurants and types of cuisine for the next twenty minutes while I shoot down your ideas with impunity? After you become as upset as I am hungry, and seem like you have reached a unhealthy medium of homicidal rage and suicidal despair, I will then decide what we will eat despite asking you to pick. My choice of food will probably be the first meal that you suggested.
“Oh, you eat. I’m not hungry.”
I am hungry, but several factors, unbeknownst to you, are stopping me from ordering, including but not limited to a new diet that I am trying before bikini season, the food at this place gives me cramps, and the fact that I want you to think I am dainty. Instead of ordering my own food, I am going to nibble off your plate for the next twenty minutes so that neither of us are satiated.
“I just want someone who makes me laugh.”
If a guy is hot enough, financial stable, and has a decent personality, I will laugh at whatever he says.
“Let’s get a puppy.”
You are the one for me. We are already living together, and I’m ready to have some babies. However, I do not want to pressure you into anything that you are not ready to do. Fair or not, I am gauging your response closely to see if you really want this relationship.
“Do whatever you want.”
This not a concession to your desires. This is a test. You should know what I want you to do by now. You do not respect me or my opinions, and you are on at the precipice of the type of fight that you never tell your family about. This could be the altercation that results in a huge breakup and the police being called. Do whatever I suggested that you do at first or get ready to rumble.