Genitalia and logic started the divide, but this list is what separates the sexes. Men have a list of unwritten rules that are passed down through generations governing their every move. Here are some the most important guidelines of man code. Act appropriately.
1. Never pee sitting down. You are a man, act accordingly. If you hit the toilet seat, leave it there as a reminder for your woman that a man lives in the house. She will appreciate your efforts when she accidentally sits in it, or when she cleans up after you like a three year old.
1. Never hold a woman’s purse. The request may seem innocuous, but this is a well-thought out ploy to effeminate you in front of other men and shift all the power of the relationship from you to her. You can not protect your wife from potential dangers if the attackers do not respect your manliness. You don’t ever ask her to hold your wallet for you, do you? She knew her purse was too heavy when she left the house. Let her hold it.
This should go without saying, but quite a few men have ignored this rule, so…
1. Never wear a man purse. It is not a European hand bag, so do not try to fool anyone with the fancy title. Purses have a designated space for carrying items, and at least one long strap to secure those items to your shoulder. ”European handbags” are purses, and they are unacceptable for men to wear, gay or straight.
1. Never use the word moist when referring to a woman. Any part of a woman that was getting moist will dry up the second that she hears that word coming from your mouth. In fact, just refrain from using the word “moist” altogether. That word should be stricken from a man’s vocabulary. Things including but not limited to towels, food, and vaginas are either wet or dry, not moist.
1. Never use the word cute. Babies are not cute. They are beautiful, adorable, or precious. Puppies and kittens are not cute. They are rambunctious, playful, or at the very least entertaining. ”Cute” should never be used to describe a woman. It is like comparing them to some small, furry animal. Women want to be the hot girl from work, not the cute girl next door.
*1. Never ask a question that has an answer that you do not want to hear. These questions include, but are not limited to: Why did I not get the promotion? (Because, you are constantly late to work, you do not follow instructions well, you do not work well with your peers, and honestly, you are not that smart.) How many people did you sleep with before me? (Just two if you only count my boyfriends, if you count everybody else, about 602. Or, just one, his name is Shaquille. You might have seen him on television). There are no correct answers to these questions. Every person wants to believe that they are great at their job, and everyone wants to believe that their significant other is a saint. Do not ask a question that you do not want answered honestly.
1. Never end your sentences in prepositions…when writing an article or your 3rd grade English teacher will contact you about your error. Also, never keep in contact with your 3rd grade English teacher.
1. Never let a woman pay for anything on the first date. The 1st date sets the precedent for what type of relationship is growing. If she pays, then you are just two friends out on the town. If you pay, then you are actively pursuing her. Tell her that she can pay next time, then pay for that date too.
1. Never continue dating past the third or fourth date if there is no sign of ensuing romance. Most women know whether they want to sleep with you within moments of meeting you. They know if you are marriage material or just a fling by the second date. If you get to date 3 or 4 and there has not even been a kiss, then you have either become her friend through your glaring lack of and she is kissing someone else or you are the sucker that keeps her fed while she is screwing someone else.
1. Never live with too many expectations. Expectations lead to disappointment. Prepare well and expect only that your scheme for success might have to be altered to get the desired outcome. A good mantra is to hope for the best, but plan for the worst.
1. Never wear sandals and socks together. If it is too cold to just wear sandals or if your feet look horrendous, then wear shoes. Trust us, you look stupid with sandals and socks on your feet. Also, never wear sandals without the proper amount of lotion, Vaseline, saliva, or whatever you put on your feet to combat ashy heels, applied to your feet. You should never leave the house looking like you have walked a mile barefooted in flour.
1. Never identify yourself on a voice mail… if you are cheating on your wife with cocktail waitresses, diner waitresses, party girls, escorts, working girls, and porn stars. Also, never cheat on your wife with cocktail waitresses, diner waitresses, party girls, escorts, working girls, and porn stars. Are you listening Tiger? Do it the smart way and send hundreds of text messages to your former teammates wife, like Tony Parker.
1. Never use a color that has the name of a food. That shirt is not salmon colored, it is pink. That wall is not cucumber, it is green. Persimmon is not a color. The only exception to this rule is orange.
Here is another that should go without saying…
1. Never sleep with a friend or colleague’s wife/girlfriend, regardless of how ridiculously hot she may be. There are an estimated 3,209,000,000 women on the planet. Of those women, there are maybe 30 ladies in the world with whom you can not sleep. Pick someone else. A plethora of emotions are tied into relationships, and slipping into where a friend has been is grounds for ending the friendship. Where emotion leads, irrational behavior follows. Television networks make billions of dollars every year with shows dedicated to what happens when people’s minds snap after being betrayed by their lovers. You have been warned.
1. Never call yourself metrosexual. Metrosexuality is your second step out of the proverbial closet. The first step was wearing your European handbag. If you are gay, be man enough to say it out loud. It is okay, we support you. Also, do not wear capris, regardless of your sexual orientation.
1. Never bring your girlfriend/wife to an all guy event. You will look like a loser, she will look clingy, and your friends will look for a better friend.
1. Never hit a woman. It does not matter if she screams at you. It does not matter if she calls you names. It does not matter if she hits you. Unless she is literally twice your size and carrying a weapon, there is never a good reason to hit a woman. And, violence is questionable in that scenario. Man code dictates that you walk away from a physical altercation with a woman rather than striking her.
*There is no numbering mistake on this page. Each of these rules are equally important, and thus they are all numbered appropriately.