Over the course of your life, you will meet many different people who will play different roles in your life. You will remember some of these people and some you will forget, but these particular women will stick in the edges of your memory for a lifetime. Drunk women are nothing if not noteworthy. Below are the eight different types of drunk girls that you will eventually meet.
She is not an actual stripper, but after four drinks she will do her best public impersonation of one. This woman will find the closest lap, male or female, and grind on it until she falls on her face or until her dance partner is knocked out of their chair. Her shirt may come off when she is near a pole or she may get on her hands and knees and simulate orgasms, but no matter what happens she will put enough sexual energy in the air to make everyone uncomfortable and create an atmosphere where guys will feel comfortable screaming obscenities at women. For her, the only attention worth working for, is sexual attention. Alcohol is just the mental lubrication that she needs to get started.
“Your New Best Friend”
It always happens around the third drink. This girl takes that magical sip of some alcoholic beverage and feels the deep need to confide in you. She hangs on your arm for dear life, telling you about her last hemorrhoid flare up, the cute thing one of her cats did two weeks ago, and asking advice about the guy who completely ignores her because she talks about her cats and hemorrhoids. She divulges more information than you could ever digest after your second beer, and there is no escaping her. If you go to the restroom, she is at the door waiting for you to come out. When you try to pawn her off on some unsuspecting idiot, she finds her way back to your person like a herpes outbreak. You have a new friend for the night, and you can not shake her.
“The Happy Drunk”
Everything is hilarious to this girl. She will laugh at anything you say, she will buy the next round of drinks, and she is up for just about anything after a few cups of liquor. She is the life of the party. The happy drunk wants to bring everyone together to share in and embrace the moment with them. She is “SOOOOOOO” excited to see you. She is “SUUUPERRRRRRR” happy you made it to the bar. She can not stop smiling and needs to capture every moment with a quick selfie. Everyone loves this woman because she smallest things excite this woman, and she makes everything a little bit lighter and a lot more fun.
Nobody should ever disrespect her in anyway. Nobody. And, no one should ever disrespect her friends either. After a drink or two, any perceived slight will make her loud and angry. This 5’3″, 90 pound blonde turns into Mike Tyson when she gets a few spirits in her and she will challenge any man or woman who is stupid enough to stare in her direction for too long. She is the woman that gets pulled out of nightclubs screaming obscenities and kicking her shoes at some clueless woman who was out drinking with her friends. She is the woman that throws drinks in the face of people. This woman will attack a 400 pound gorilla once a good buzz hits. Keep her away from the bar.
“The Drama Queen”
After three drinks, she gets deep into her feelings and shares them with everyone who is at the party just like your “new best friend”, however the information that she shares will be decidedly more dramatic. A barrage of “I feel’s,” “I need’s,” “I can’t believe’s,” and “How could you’s,” are coming your way when she starts drinking. She gets hysterical about everything, especially the fact that you used the last of the toilet paper a week ago and did not put a new roll on the roller. The drama queen remembers every mistake that you have made in your lifetime, and reminds you of each one of those errors when she starts drinking. She will do anything to be the center of attention in a moment that is not about her.
This woman has never seen a drink that she did not like. She drinks beers by the twelve pack, champagne by the bottle, liquor by the glass, and wine by the box. She is completely indiscriminate when it comes to getting a buzz. She knows every hangover cure that exists on the planet, from raw eggs at breakfast to bread and ibuprofen before bed. And, she handles herself perfectly regardless of the amount of alcohol she has consumed. After drinking enough whiskey to down a herd of elephants, this woman can cartwheel in a straight line while singing the alphabet backwards and flirting with the cop who pulled her over.
Well, someone has to be responsible while everyone else is drinking. The mother never drinks enough to fully enjoy the night. She has to keep relatively sober in order to boss around her friends while they actually have fun drinking the night away. She fights off drunk guys who are trying to score a one night stand with her hot friends. She mediates fights between the girls. She coordinates all the routes home for her group of friends to make sure that no one who is behind the wheel is too drunk to get home safely. And, most of the time, she is the designated driver if the group only took one car. And, she holds the hair of the drunk friend who throws up every time she drinks.
“The One Who Can Not Hold Their Liquor”
Every group of friends has at least one person in the group who can not hold their liquor. She is the reason that the “mother” drunk girl is necessary. Someone has to hold her hair while she throws up. All she has to do is smell liquor and she starts stumbling and talking louder. This woman will leave the club with her knees scratched up from her many trips to the floor, her clothes covered in dirt and vomit (both her own and a stranger who threw up too), and her breath smelling terrible from emptying the contents of her stomach onto the floor.