1. The Boyfriend – These are the geniuses of the adult clubbing underworld. They think that they can watch the woman that they love grind her genitals and face into the crotch of another man and not want to rip his face off and berate her publicly until she is in tears. Strippers often invite their boyfriends into the strip club, and those boyfriends are either the jealous type or seedy, shady men. If you see a man whom you have never met and he is burning a hole through your soul with his glare while you are getting an extra friendly lap dance, then you have unofficially met the jealous boyfriend. His sole purpose is to make sure that his girlfriend is not cheating on him in the club. And ironically, even though he sees every man that she talks to and dances with, he will never believe that she is faithful until she quits stripping. But, the seedy boyfriend is even worse. A jealous man’s fears are based in his own insecurity, a flaw that everyone has in some capacity. The sleazy beau takes advantage of his girlfriend at every opportunity. He has no job, lives off his stripper girlfriend, and talks to as many of the other dancers as possible so that he has a contingency plan for when they break up.
2. The Celebrity – The celebrities that frequent places of ill-repute are generally rock stars, rappers, or professional athletes. And, they come in two varieties: The big tipper who spends frivolously and wants to have a good time, and the entitled dick. All the working moms love the big tipper. He has money to blow, and if a young lady or two plays their cards right, he may leave the club with them. If they are a little lucky, then he will give them a night of mediocre sex, give them a few gifts, or maybe pay some bills. If they are really lucky, he could give one or both of them a crying, pooping lottery ticket. The entitled celebrity reigns as one of the most annoying patrons that visit the club. He paws at the girls and he flashes his money, but he does not spend a dime in the club (i.e. see Pacman Jones and the trash bag). This guy thinks that all the women in the club owe him something because he is a star. He is self-involved and selfish, and the strippers hate him.
3. Guy Who Does Not Want to Be There – This guy is one of the douchebag friends with whom you openly question why you are his friend. You can not even recall how he finagled himself into your circle, but he gets dragged along to most excursions and sours the occasion with his constant complaining. Every one has at least one friend like this, and if you don’t, then you are that friend. He whines about everything including being pulled into a club full of naked women by his “friends” at the last minute. His friends bombard him with dancers from the moment that he arrives at the club to the moment they leave, but he is not in the least bit interested. This guy will not allow himself to enjoy a dance because he fancies himself a feminist. He “respects” women more than most women respect themselves, and he is quick to relay that self-assessment to anyone who will listen. He is the only person in the entire club, besides the dancers, who is not having a good time. He will make it known at various times during the trip that strip clubs are too expensive, degrading, seedy, and physically disgusting.
4. The Pimp – Pimps hang out in every strip club in the nation and try to coax women into working for them. And, these are not your friendly cartoon pimps with the cool walk and the slick talk. No, this is the woman-beating, drug pushing, verbally abusive, back-handing, evil pimps. They throw money at every cute dancer in the club and attempt to convince them into leaving town for a more lucrative stripping opportunity. They prey on young, inexperienced girls and sell them dreams. Once the woman is out of town, they are indebted to the pimp and they have to work for him. Drugs and alcohol insure that they are incoherent and will do anything for the men once they are in their clutches.
5. The Drug Dealer – Look in the corner of the club where there is one lone guy. When your eyes meet with his, he subtly touches his nose while keeping the eye contact with you. This is not a invitation for the type of hot, new nose sex that all the kids are trying. It is an invitation to buy some nose candy. And, all the strung-out strippers love him because they are addicts. Some of the dancers even negotiate and sell for the drug dealers.
6. The Bachelor Party – Every bachelor party consists of at least three Party-goers, the groom-to-be, the guy who is too happy to be there, and the guy who hates strip clubs.
A. The Guest of Honor – This man will be the sloppiest drunk in the entire establishment. Over the course of the night, his friends will buy him countless drinks and keep new ladies on his lap. He will invariably paw at every woman in the place, vomit on himself, and be dropped off at home with a stripper’s number in his pocket that his fiancee will find in his drunken stupor.
B. The Overzealous Friend – This friend is more annoying than the actual groom to exotic dancers because he wants all the fun of the strip club without paying for it. He is like a rock star without the fame. When his friends buy dances for the groom, this friend grabs the boobs of the strippers. When they buy drinks for the man of honor, he does not chip in any cash, and he drinks as much as the groom. This guy is all about self-gratification.
C. The Guy Who Does Not Want to Be There – He will cry about everything that is wrong in club, from how fat the girls are, to how disgusting the restroom is. His “job” is to depress everyone in the party and make sure that no one has any real fun. He is the strip club equivalent of the hot girl’s fat friend.
7. The Lonely Guy – The lonely guy comes in many separate variations, however the most prominent versions of this man is the lonely married guy, the philanderer, and the newly single guy.
A. Lonely Married Guy – This married guy is not a bad person. He just feels neglected at home, so he comes to the strip club and pays for a woman to listen to him. Most people would use their friends as a sounding board or pay a licensed professional to sort through their problems, but friends have their own problems and therapists never go topless.
B. Married Guy Who Shouldn’t Be Married – Some men should not be married even though they took the vows. And, these guys often fill the adult entertainment establishments. They find the dancers who give extras to their customers. They sleep with anyone who will have them, and they even bring their mistresses into the clubs to entice the strippers. They have never had a monogamous relationship and they use exotic dancers to fill their vices.
C. Newly Divorced Guy/Guy Who Got Dumped – The newly single man is socially awkward and unable to connect with women emotionally. So naturally, he finds fantasies who look like women but are only interested in sex and hearing him talk.
8. The Regular – The strip club is like his own personal, adult-oriented “Cheer” episode. He knows the bouncers, the strippers call him by name, and he has access to all parts of the club except where the owner and manager count the money. He is as much a part of the club as the girls are, and they treat him like family.
9. The Cheap Guy – This guy never buys any lap dances, he is uncomfortably close to people when they get dances, and he never tips dancers. He will search to find the clubs that have free admission before a certain time and fight to keep every penny in his pocket.
10. The Creepy Guy
Have you ever met someone who unsettles you even though they never speak a word to you? There is something that is distant and unnatural in them, and you recognize it immediately. Well, that guy frequents the strip club. He has a bag or a suitcase that he brings into the club, and only the dancer that he chooses knows whats in there. It could be panties, it could be a comb, or it could be a paddle, but whomever he asks to enter the room will be asked to something that they are not prepared to do.