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How to Attract Guys on the Internet

17 Aug

1. Pose with Your Hottest Friends

Guys that look at your pictures will probably not care which girl you are as long as you are not considerably less attractive than the girls with whom you are posing. So, gather up your hottest friends and make sure that you take plenty of pictures together. Pick the picture where your smile is the prettiest and your boobs look the perkiest. Men are easily beguiled.

She is cute, but her rotund friend makes her look hot. This could be you.

2. Pose with Your Hot Ugliest Friends

Okay, I know what I said about posing with your hottest friends, but then the guy that you like may want to hook up with your more attractive friends instead of you, especially if your friends are really hot. So, try getting some pics with your less attractive friends. Posing with your fattest, ugliest girlfriends should make you more attractive by comparison. Believe me most guys will not know the difference. You always want to be the most attractive girl in the photo because all eyes will eventually gravitate to you.

3. Take Selfies in Mirror

Men can not resist the sexy shot in the mirror. This is a standard of online dating, so take out your phone, stand in front of a mirror (preferably in something provocative), and click away. The cleavage pose where you bend towards the mirror and wink at the camera or the over the shoulder booty shots get the most responses from horny, red-blooded American males. Bonus points if you have a visible tramp stamp (the bigger the stamp, the better).

This is a no-no regardless of how hot you are.

4. While We’re Here....

Here is a complete list of No-no’s for Your Online Pictures

  • Do not use a picture with a guy in it – Good guys will assume that he is your boyfriend or your ex, and wonder why he is still on your profile. Are dating him? Are you still sleeping with him? Are you still in love with him? Bad guys while stash you in the “booty call” box (similar to the “friend” zone, but with sex replacing only friendship)
  • Do not use the picture where you hug your cat on your bed, unless you have enormous cleavage and the cat is sitting inside said cleavage (everyone thinks that cat people are crazy…unless they are also a cat person [and just so you will know, any guy will lie about liking cats if you are hot enough])
  • Do not make a silly face on your profile picture. He will think that you are stupid, and want to punch you in the face. And, if he does not want to punch you in the face, then I will. Silly faces do not make you cute or fun to hot guys. It makes you appear like someone with a terrible sense of humor and it makes your picture ugly. The same goes for duck face and resting bitch face (unless you are incredibly hot, in which case your resting bitch face makes you slightly hotter)
  • Do not take artsy, hazy emo pictures with a depressed expression on your face unless you only want to attract suicidal/homicidal, high school kids who live unattended in their mother’s basement.
  • Yes, number 3 said to wear something skanky on your profile picture while showing a little skin, but ignore that rule if you are looking for a serious relationship. A lot of women make the mistake of giving off purely sexual vibes instead of sexy but wholesome vibes on their profiles. When men initially see you as a sex object it is very difficult to steer their simple minds towards serious dating.
  • Never take a picture without an alcoholic beverage in your hand. Men love to date party girls. And, nothing says I love to have a good time better than the constant presence of spirits. No one is more fun than a raging alcoholic.

5. Describe Yourself With Completely Random Adjectives

Guys are attracted to women that are unstable. It is a character flaw that might only be connected to the Y-chromosome. So, make sure that you describe your personality with as many contradictory descriptions as possible. Be sure to say that you are fun, outgoing, lazy, crazy, smart, sexy, and a little slutty. You are sure to get plenty of responses. The smart, emotional guys will the think that you are in touch with yourself and find it incredibly sexy, and the hot, dumb guys will see slutty and want to sleep with you. Win-win. This idea probably sounds absolutely insane, but it is really quite intelligent (See what I did there?)

This woman is going to get some dates.

6. Pretend You Like Sports

This is fighting dirty, but it works like a charm. Pick a sports team from the city where you currently preside, or from your home town and put some paraphernalia on your front page. I am convinced that no woman in the world really likes sports (partially because I have never met one that loves and understands games the way that I do), and if I have not met a woman that loves sports, then I am sure that no one else has either. Admittedly, that scientific analysis may be biased, but I digress. Pretend to like a team so that men flock to you in droves. Meeting an enthusiastic female sports fan would be like finding a twenty year old, rocket scientist, millionaire, virgin girlfriend. You would be the Holy Grail for any sports fan, and all you have to do is tell a little white lie.

She is going to get dates too.

7. Pretend to Like Video Games

Do all the same things that are required in order to fool a guy into thinking that you like sports, but replace the word “sports” with video game references. Bonus points if you can name any game other than Call of Duty or Super Mario Bros. 3.

8. Air Way Too Much of Your Business

Guys like crazy girls. If you are emotionally damaged or appear to be emotionally damaged, then guys will line up to make advances on you. Just make all of your daddy issues apparent to any person that reads your profile. Talk about how you do not really trust guys and say that you have commitment issues. If you really want to reel the guys in, then talk about how difficult it is to find an unattached partner for sex, basketball games, and Call of Duty. Men always attempt to rescue damsels in distress.

One Response to “How to Attract Guys on the Internet”

  1. Amanda October 2, 2015 at 3:57 PM #

    Let’s face it — there is no foolproof way to get every man to fall madly in love with you. However, many men have the same needs when it comes to looking for the right woman, so there are countless tricks for catching the eye of almost any man.

    Are you looking for some concrete steps for turning the heads of many a man, or just
    hoping to attract a man you’ve had your eye on? Either way, these tips can go a long way in helping you to achieve your goals. Read on! (And remember, it’s not always about looks and your body…it’s about the inside, too!)

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