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Man Rules

1 Aug

There is an unwritten code that governs the behavior of men that has been passed down from father to son. It has been passed from generation to generation through the constant modeling of the men in a man’s family and their random looks of disapproval when he missteps. Men learned how to be men through various lessons that were never spoken to them but witnessed or experienced by them first hand. Men are slowly becoming less manly, and it has to stop. is here to put an end to the unacceptable behaviors of the overly effeminate members of this generation.

Man rule #17 – Men should not wear flip-flops.

No one knows when flip-flops became appropriate street wear, but it needs to stop. Women wear them so that they do not ruin their pedicures and because they are comfortable and easy. Men have no logical reason to leave the house wearing prison shower footwear.

Where are Cisqo, George Michaels, and Boy George?

Man Rule #8 – Men should never dye their hair

A man should not dye his hair unless he is old and recently widowed or divorced, or he is a flaming homosexual. If a guy is eighty years old, and has just lost the love of his life, then he gets a pass on this one. At a crucial moment in his life, he has to make a change in an attempt to move forward. Everyone should understand. The only other reason that a sane man would decide to change his hair color is that he is gay. If a man is freshly out of the closet, then he has to celebrate and advertise a little. He should color his hair, paint his toenails, and find some penises. There is no other reason for a man to change the color of his hair.

This mustache is what happens when natural God-given ability and dedication meet.

Man Rule #215 – Men should grow a mustache

It does not have to be a full on porn mustache, or a Rolly Fingers cut, but at some point in your life you need some self-grown man hair on your upper lip. It changes how you look and feel about yourself, and it changes how people perceive you. Women give you a different reception with a man beard than with a fuzz-less face.

Man Rule #14 – Men should open doors for ladies

Yes, feminists might frown at a man holding the door open for women, but it is not a sign of inequality. It is a sign of appreciation for the fairer sex and an indication that you have some class. Being chivalrous is its own reward.

Man Rule #112 – Men should never argue with a woman

Men argue with logic. Women argue with emotions. You can not win any argument against any woman. At any point in the argument, she can say that her feelings are hurt and your logical thinking loses all credibility. Her feelings being hurt by you has no relation to your intent, to your point, or to your words. If you hurt her feelings, then you are wrong. And if you are wrong regardless of the situation, then there was really no point in arguing in the first place. No logical person walks into a fight that they can not win. Save yourself some time and agony.

Man Rule #33 – Do not sleep with another man’s wife

There was a time when affairs were taboo and the cheating couple were ostracized. People that had affairs had real problems with their relationships, whether it be personal shortcomings or interpersonal communication or intimacy problems. Now, the motivations behind affairs are unbelievably uninspiring. With the quick, easy access that people have to each other through cellular phones and the internet, people are cheating more regularly and for any reason. Sleeping with another man’s wife is morally wrong, but morals have been largely ignored in present society. But there are several reasons not to have sex with a married woman. Sleeping with another man’s wife intrudes not only on just the woman that that he loves, but also on his dreams for the future. It is a completely selfish act and should not happen. This type of betrayal does not only affect the married couple. It affects the outside party too. Men that sleep have lost their jobs for having an affair after the woman’s husband harassed them at work. Emotionally distraught husbands have also killed their wife’s lover. Having sex with married women is a horrible idea.

Man Rule #2 – Men should not talk to other men about their feelings

Is this barbaric and maybe a little ridiculous? Yes, it is. Is this also true? Absolutely. There is no quicker or more effective way to clear a room full of men than to hear another man start complaining or crying about anything that is going on in his life. Women were taught to express their feelings; men were forced to suppress their emotions. This way of life has worked for tens of millions of years sinceĀ  to evolved and began walking upright. Who are we to fight evolution and attempt to change this way of living.

Man Rule #99 – Men should never use the word “cute”

Men should not use the word, “cute” in reference to anything other than an attractive woman. Even then, use of the word is suspect, because you could have said, “hot, beautiful, stunning, fine, pretty,” or a myriad of other more descriptive words to asses her beauty. Cute is a word that women should have to themselves. Babies, puppies, and clothes are not cute. Nothing is cute if you are a man. Remember this and strike the word from your vocabulary.

Man Rule #100 – Men should never use the word “fierce”

See Man Rule #99. The only exception to this is if you are a gay man, or if you are visiting the soon-to-be-cancelled (hopefully) Tyra Banks Show, which means that you probably are a gay man.

* On a side note, if you see this Tyra, call me. I did not mean what I said about wanting your show to being cancelled. That show is the embodiment of what talk shows should be. Also…the startlingly (that means surprising, Tyra) contrasting tone of this message as compared to the Man Rule has nothing to do with your beautiful face, sexy curves, and the piles of money that you have earned from modeling and producing television shows.

Man Rule #57 – Men should not look in the mirror more than twice a day

Staring into your own reflection for hours at end is a sign of vanity and insecurity. Men can be self-involved and ego-centric, but they should not be insecure.You should only use a mirror early in the morning when you start your day, and before going to a special occasion later in the evening. The best thing about being a man is that you think that you look awesome even if you areĀ  4’11″, balding prematurely, weigh 460 lbs., and have six teeth in your mouth. Confidence is not earned through self-improvement, it is a gift that is given to all men when they are born.

4 Responses to “Man Rules”

  1. Nathan August 8, 2012 at 10:24 PM #

    This was excellent. Truly, I say this should be added to the Bible.
    Of course, I’m sure that you also meant to specify that, when opening car doors, said door should almost always be the passenger side. The only time that a man should not open the passenger side door for his wife is when he is too drunk to open any doors at all.
    Open the passenger side door for her, and then drive her to where she would like to go.

    • AFM August 9, 2012 at 9:21 AM #

      Chivalry isn’t dead, is it?

  2. Bluemango September 12, 2012 at 8:37 AM #

    What a load of rubbish. Obvioulsy written by a woman ..who most men probably wouldn’t look twice at anyway.

    I see women all the time on public transport with ugly feet, thick toe nails painted over with nail varnish to hide Nail fungus and calluses on top of their toes from wearing high heels too much. Yuck! There is no ‘unwritten code that governs the behavior of men’, this is total BS. Wear what you want guys!! Sandals and flip flops have been on catwalks for men’s fashion for years, Gucci, Prada etc look it up.

    Chances are the female who wrote this is single, overweight, unattractive and ..has ugly feet

    P.S. Tell David Beckham that only women should dye their hair!

    This is 2012 people, anything goes. Look at men for style tips if you haven’t a clue

    • AFM September 14, 2012 at 8:18 PM #

      Spoken like an overweight kid who spend his days typing away at his laptop in his mom’s basement. Have you finally finished playing Starcraft? Did your mom tell you that your hair would look good dyed blonde? Is that why you are so upset about the man rules. Sack up, buy some sneakers to replace your “fashionable” flip flops, and follow the man rules as they have been set forth for you. You need them.

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