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Man Rules: Part III

3 Aug

There are simple, unspoken rules that govern all male behavior and relationships, and they should be adhered to at all times. These rules are passed from father to son, from brother to brother, and between friends, and they should be strictly and blindly obeyed because they preserve the basic spirit of manhood and ease. Man rules should always be followed.


Man Rule #83 - Never Make Eye Contact While Putting on Chapstick

There are only a select few actions that will effectively effeminize any man regardless of testosterone level, penis size, or fat/muscle ratio, and putting on chapstick is number one on that list. No masculine way to soothe chapped lips has ever been performed, and even saying “soothe chapped lips” sounds slightly homoerotic. Your options are to either lick your lips until they crack, or grab the chapstick in your fist, stare at the ground, and grease your lips while you pucker up. But, though men have to protect their lips from the elements occasionally, no man should ever make eye contact with anyone while coating them with lip balm. Staring at a woman while putting on chapstick looks harassing and kind of “rapey”. Meeting eyes with a guy while putting it on is ”inviting”. No man should ever gaze into another person’s face while applying chapstick.


Man Rule #4 - Never Eat Hotdogs in Public

Never eat anything in the shape of a phallus in public. Hot dogs, corn dogs, pickles, lollipops, popsicles, bananas, and anything else that is remotely shaped like a penis is prohibited as a food item for men in public. If you want to fellate someone or something in the privacy of your home, by all means, blow away. But, in the presence of women and children, please refrain from savagely throating your phallic food. It is never appropriate.


Man Rule #73 - Call for Weddings, Funerals, and Breakups

SMS messaging was introduced in December of 1992 by Neil Papworth and it changed our culture. People stopped talking, started texting, and never looked back. Texting turned into picture mail. Picture mail turned into sexting. Sexting turned into revenge porn. But, I digress. Despite all the uses for the cell phone, there are a few occasions when only a phone call will do. Real men call people to announce their marriage. They call to tell loved ones that a family member has passed. And, they call to breakup with someone if they can not do it in person. There are no exceptions to this rule. All life-altering events should be communicated verbally as a show of respect to the other person. And, as a man, respect should be given to everyone until an individual proves that they do not deserve it.


Man Rule #121 - Blacking Out Is For Teenagers

No grown man should be unable to remember what he did the night before, because nothing says ‘I’m an irresponsible, self-absorbed prick,” like blacking out and throwing up on an unsuspecting crowd of innocent bystanders. You should know how to hold your liquor by the time you hit 22 years of age. You will only embarrass yourself, your friends, and the people that you vomit on when you have a few too many drinks at the bar. So, find a drink that you like, figure out how many of them you can drink without making an ass of yourself, and never imbibe more than that number of drinks in public.


Man Rule #2296 - Know Your Limitations

There are a lot of things about your identity that you should know as a man. First, you should know that you probably are not the tallest and the most handsome man in your city. You are never going to be a professional athlete, you probably will never be wealthy, you are not a genius, and more likely than not, you will never date a supermodel. Most things that you truly desire are out of your reach because of several factors including, but not limited to your physical shortcomings (Thanks Dad), your parents damaging you emotionally (Thanks Mom), your economic background, or your inability to just get it right. You are not special. Special is for women, retards, and children. Ladies, the mentally-challenged, and kids always have someone who is willing to care for and support them when they are in dire straits. You are a man. You have only yourself. You have to assess situations, learn from them, and create effective solutions. Accept it and then focus on what you are.

man hitting woman

Man Rule #1 - Never Hit A Woman

Man Rule #1 sounds like a classic example of a double standard, because it is a classic example of a double standard. Consider it payback for being able to sleep with multiple women without any social repercussions while women are labeled whores for not marrying as a virginal bride. As a man, you have to refrain from hitting women regardless of what they do or say. They can curse out your mother, sleep with your best friend, and give you a right hook to the baby maker, but you are not allowed to hit them. Men are generally larger, we carry more muscle, and have thrown a few punches by the time we hit adulthood, so any fight against a woman is generally an unfair contest. Unless Ronda Rousey is holding one of your children at gunpoint, you should never lay hands on a woman. This double standard should continue to thrive.


Man Rule #216 - Never Publicly Comment on Rape or Abortion

Here’s the thing, there is nothing that you can say about rape or abortion that will make everyone in your life happy. And though it is definitely manly to take a stance on a tough subject and stick by it, it is also wise to know when you are fighting a losing battle. There is absolutely nothing that you can say about rape other than it is abhorrent, so any comment on rape is a moot point. Across the world and across different cultures rape is unacceptable. But, abortion is a hot button topic on which everyone has a strong opinion. The trick is remembering not to share that opinion. If you are decidedly anti-abortion you will also come off as anti-women. You can not practically tell a woman to grow a child inside their body for nine months without being controlling and unfeeling with women. If you are pro-choice, then come off confused.


Man Rule #1449 - Wait A Day to Post All Social Media

I am lucky to have grown up in a world when my innermost thoughts could not be broadcast to the world in a manner of seconds. Men today do not have that luxury. A moment of passion could lead to the loss of your job, the alienation of your peers, and complete ostracism by the rest of society. So, instead of making your opinions about controversial subjects known to world, just take an extra day to post your thoughts.


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