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Man Rules: Part II

2 Aug

They are both smiling, but one of those ladies has a death grip on the other. You must neutralize her.

Man Rule #1111 - Always be ready to take one for the team – A real man is a team player, especially when it comes to women. And, every now and then someone is going to have to talk to the bitchy girl or the wildebeest so that her hot friend can be pursued. Every man has a responsibility to his fellow man to throw himself on a grenade at least once for the greater good of his crew. So, the next time that your friend is being shot down by the hottie’s friend and not her, talk to that fat, hateful girl who only exists to make sure that her hot friend dies miserably and alone. And, the next time the “nottie” is disrupting your game he may come to your rescue.


Man Rule #0 - Don’t Be That Guy – This is more of a list of things not to do rather than a full explanation of unacceptable behavior, because these infractions should not need a lot of explanation.

a. The guy that buys gifts for other guys on birthdays and Christmas (Men do not buy men gifts, period)

b. The guy that invites his girlfriend to guy only events (She is uncomfortable, and so are all your friends)

c. The guy that talks incessantly about his girlfriend (You love her, your friends probably do not)

d. The guy that loves PDA (Get a room)

Man Rule #13 - Never Kick a Man in the Balls – This should go without saying, but strangely, it still happens. No man should ever kick another man in the balls. Kick him in the head. Kick him in the shin. Kick him in the gut. But do not ever kick another man in his manhood. It is both cowardly and unacceptable.


Man Rule #297 - Never Use the Middle Urinal – This is part of the unwritten rules of being a man. Fathers used to impart this knowledge onto their sons and train them in the ways of being a man. But, since there are less fathers in the same home with their sons, this practice is being lost. When faced with three empty urinals, never use the middle one. This is one of the founding Man laws. Using the middle urinal forces another man to stand next to you while relieving himself. There are only two reasons to do this. One, you are gay and soliciting sex in a public restroom. Or two, you really like it when get a little back splash on your shoe from a stranger.


Man Rule #36 - Never Tell on Another Man – No man should ever tattle-tell on another man, even if he sees the man doing something wrong (this, of course, excludes breaking the law). There is a man code that needs to be adhered to. Men do not nose into other people’s business unwarranted. That means that, if Johnny is cheating on Sarah, then Dexter should not run and tell Sara that he saw Johnny with another girl one fateful Saturday afternoon at the mall. It is not Johnny’s job to inform Sarah of what he saw even if he is related to her. Men confront the wrong-doer rather than spread rumors about a meeting that could have been misconstrued.

Man Rule #5 - No Man Is Allowed to Cry in Public – Real men do not cry in public. There are specific instances when a man is allowed to tear up regardless of his location, like the death of a loved one, the death of family pet (a dog, not a cat), after he have broken a few of his bones (preferably when the bone breaks the skin), and when he has been kicked in the balls. But, no man is ever allowed to boo-hoo in public.

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